tomarrow.

i am moving. and it shall be lovely. i think. i hope. i ordered checks today-- mostly because i only have two left and i shouldn't have let my supply get that low. talked to wells fargo nate. his voice was nice. perhaps, it was because he was attempting to talk me into mortage. i gently turned the man down. so, i am at the elementary. april made me a bracelett-- it's beautiful. saw the holidazzle last night with Tyler, Andy, Shandi, D, and Emma. it was nice. super nice. And i ate cold stone for the very first time... that topped the evening. (((i am not done packing. but i might be soon.))) tonight: the hp mtg. sweatpants will be seen. ***xo***

joe bayly

"Psalm of Single-Mindedness" Lord of reality, make me real,...not plastic, synthetic, pretend, phony,...an actor playing out his part – a hypocrite. I don’t want to keep a prayer list...but to pray, Nor agonize to find Your will...but to obey what I already know, I don’t want to argue theories of inspiration...but to submit to Your Word. I don’t want to explain the difference between eros and philos and agape...but to love. I don’t want to sing as if I mean it...I want to mean it. I don’t want to tell it like it is...but to be like You want it. I don’t want to tell others how to do it...but to do it; I don’t want to have to be always right...but to admit it when I’m wrong. I don’t want to be a census taker...but an obstetrician Nor an involved person, a professional...but a friend. I don’t want to be insensitive...but to hurt where other people hurt Nor to say “I know how you feel”...but to say, “God knows”...and “I’ll try if you’ll be patient with me”...and meanwhile I’ll be quiet. I don’t want to scorn the clichés of others...but to mean everything I say – Including this. “And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more in knowledge and all discernment, that you may approve the things that are excellent, that you may be sincere and without offense till the day of Christ.” (Philippians 1:9-10) from “Psalms of My Life” by Joseph Bayly.

written awhile ago.

the following is a letter to a dear friend of mine. i stumbled acrossed it last night- yes, it was still in my possesion and never sent. anyways. i am posting it. maybe it's because i am finally coming out from under a cloud? maybe it is because i was challanged last night? maybe it is because, i like to pretend like i understand things that i really truely don't and this note captures my being in a state of vulnabilty that i forget so often about... here goes. "Hi.__I hope you are well.__I finally got my hands on the Tozer book, 'Born After Midnight,' that was recommended to me awhile ago. This book, as well as, other factors are contributing to the state that I currently am in. I will try to outline it to you in ways that I know how...__I have been under amazing conviction. It steams from the idea of God being reality. If the Bible is true, than God is real-- than I am able no longer to rub my pocket gennie jesus, or issue less than upmost respect for this Holy, Holy stranger of some church services. It is not a game. And I find myself sitting here, somewhat uncomfortable- no, really uncomfortable... because the only part of me that knows truths is the stuborn, locked part of my soul that trembles knowing that it has stepped onto holy ground 'while the rational thinking part is unwilling to remove it's shoes in humility.'__I stopped attending the church that I grew up in. I am tired of the games. Not tired... frustrated, angery, starving for community of the saints, and to splash in the deep pools of truth that only one little part of my soul knows-- the part that is not ashamed, nor afraid, the part that is willing to forego reputational stigma, and is willing and longing for the rest of my being's eyes to be opened fully to the truth that so patiently awaits, the part that doesn't give up hoping for God to be God.__I don't know. If the Bible is real... If God is actual... Than there is a lot more responsibility... Christianity is so much more than a relationship between lovers, it is a job description that I have been asked to do with excellence- and not just that... it requires faith again and again in one other than myself. I don't know.__And the Jesus that I am sort of encountering more of these days is sure as hell (if hell is actual) NOT the Jesus of 'nice religious music,' or the one who would approve of a 5 min. daily scripture fix to seal the way to heaven-- maybe I am wrong. Maybe the Bible is not true. Maybe Jesus can be simply another conserative opinion. Maybe Jesus would agree with everything the clerks say at Northwestern bookstores, and maybe he'd really like the cheesey pop radio stations that say his name every other sentence, and perhaps, he'd be a Bush supporter all the way. Maybe he'd hang out with the popular kids, and adults. Perhaps he would be neat and tidy and wear a suit and drive a new hybrid car. Maybe he would sit on plush seats in church and sip his coffee from Starbucks. Yeah.__So. I am finding truth. Not cheesey religious crap. I can no longer say 'I love Jesus,' but listen to the soothing lies of the enemy. I must hear that one small raging part in my soul. I must really hear it. I believe it. Because something says it is the only way... something says that it is his voice, though it is so very contray to what would seem calculated and poportional and reasonable for this time, or really anytime.__I am not a fanatic. I just want to know truth, and give it the credit and honor that it (he) is due.__There you have it. Current state.__I can't deny Jesus. I can't. But yes, I do it everytime I fail to offer respect to his actual identity.__I wonder what tomarrow will hold?__jas"

drizzle.

just today.

i started work at four this morning. it is nearly four in the afternoon. i am more hungery than anything though, the last thing i ate was at 10:30. i should probably eat, eh? i have ho-ho's in the car._______________ the stars couldn't be seen this morning. the car was snowy and when i looked up, the sky still had cloud residue. beautiful cloud residue._______________ so, i am moving. most of you know. i think. i hope. it came really quickly. but i do believe it is good and fine and wonderful. simply pick up and head out, i am not sure when another lovely risk will come my way such as this so, i am planning on taking it. i am heading to CO. jolene lives there right now. yes, brad-- same place you were at. i might learn to ski. i'm not sure. it is colorado... i will run where i can see mountians in the near distance. that will be nice. so, yeah- walking through the open doors. yup. are you? i will continue to try to do so._______________ read jude yesterday. isn't jude an interesting word.________________ i am going to the opening of narnia with mom and dad, maybe emma, perhaps jade and sage-- anyways- i enjoy c.s. lewis' work very much, but i actually never read the chronicals of narnia. really. i sort of feel guilty. not really. i am just saying that. maybe i should though. stop! would you like to start a book club here and now? ha. im not going to join. but if you would like to inform me on your take on character development, plot, or story line- ill hear you out. (reading it now)____________ ok. be thankful. weither you are feasting upon bird with family, or not. "wink"- in departure, this afternoon.

cheerios in the morning

i am still eating them... the cheerios. steven kellog's (i think i mispelled his surname), book Cordina was plastered to the fount of the box. and so i peeled off the enclosed-in-plastic-paperbook and proceeded to read the tale. the story is about a cow following what she loves to do-- Cordina dances... she finds herself in manhattan trying to pursue her desires. i am not telling anymore. you must go and find your own copy. check cub, midway down the aisle, eye-level to the 5' individual.____________i applied for a non-profit job that does sheltering/ housing programs for youth whom are currently homeless. it's in chicago. so, hmmm._____one gentleman punched me hard right in the middle of my chest. (this happened on the unit at work) it is interesting though because there is an ongoing joke around nursing homes and facilties simliar about "the full moon." seriously, though-- it is when behaviors and combativeness increases. blame is always placed on the full moon._____spent the night with shandi on friday. we tried getting her and D's massive screen/ projector to work- but alas it didn't happen. instead i walked her through the myspace.com process. here's a shout out for myspace.com -it is fun. so, just get an account already. Tom and i will be your friend, and no worries, there will be others. shandi made me a beautiful dish that her chef friend taught her- and yes, i forgot the name again. it is lovely though. we laughed and just were. it was nice. D's in germany until tuesday- so in a way it felt like we were in the dorms again. ___________saint paul:8-5 yesterday i had the CPR/PR class to take. it was long and boring. i attempted to be positive about it, but it was still long and boring. i did have a great partner. i want to call him sinclaire, but i don't think that is right. oh dear. it was just funny because he was doing the skills well, but than he'd breath way strong into the infant and the entire room could hear his breath- and we'd all crack up about rupturing the lungs. it would not funny at all but in training on annies it make for wonderful midday humor. he didn't want to do the hand thrusts on the back of the infant because it was a baby. and yes, he finally did but you could tell it took a lot out of him. if my child were choking, i would trust "sinclaire" to clear his airway. he is coming to rescue you world!_____tj maxx has some great clearances, i think the arrival of christmas time has beckoned the workers to move more tables with pretty material stuff out. oh, and peir one is wearing a christmas glaze. it might make you smile to enter their doors. _________went to see 'walk the line' with bethany, mark, jordan, becky and ezra. we came during the previews and it was fairly packed, so we didn't get to sit together, but the flim was worth viewing. and seeing those guys was good. becky is starting at northcentral in january, and jordan is now attending some free assoc. bible college in the cities. i mentioned to mark that in a lot of ways attending a bible school really did some damage, though i contradicted myself in the next statement- saying it was a good expeirence too and was worth it. that is about all i said, being vauge because i hadn't completely sorted my thoughts._______ **i feel religious. and i don't like it. i told god last night that i really want him to just be in fount of me. i would like to sit down and have some sort of hot drink, or maybe a white russian... perhaps just water. whatever. i want to see him. i would like to hear him tell me things that no one else knows. yeah, like that women in the bible. i have heard that he is holy and righteous, but i want to see his eyes. i would rather not read stories, about other peoples encounters. yes, i want to be beckoned to the bush and come back glowing and slient. yes, i want to know the man who died so that i would have a chance to live, this day and tomarrow. i would rather not sing songs that have become stangnat and monotone, to the only creator. if i am going to sing, i long for it to become an urgency out of the depths that i don't understand, not because i am prompted to with power point some well know "hit" on pretty christian stations.______see ya. love ya. yeah, i do. so, are you going to go to cub today? the ending is a good one. well... you are entitled to your own opinion. wa ha ha.

sNOW?

i hope it snows tommarrow. i am off and i would like to make some molasses candy. ************************************************************************ hangin' out a boyceville elementary twirling my right foot. it's a beautiful day. ((i would like to buy a cookie sprizter gun, i would than like to wear it in a holster------- and shoot. no, i am not kidding. *my dad watched "how to lose a guy in ten days"- and kept laughing. i really like that he was cracking up pver a 'chick flick.' i mosked him, only a little.

and now it's friday.

my face still hurts for crying with james william this morning. it was a good talk. long and good. and than i chatted with sarah. long and good. people are beautiful. aren't they. wow. ok, off to the possibally sold out play that the boyceville high schooler's are presenting! good bye.

thursday

i am sitting next to my new friend in the small-town book hole. i am leaving so i can change out of my scrubs and write in a nice coffee place in yet another small town. i hope you are well. yeah, i am too.

honestly, come on.

see. that wasn't too long. *i saw betty's parents on friday when i ran into the store to get the black pearl/ johnny depp/ pirate movie to finally add to my collection of worthy flims to actually have on hand all the time... (that one always reminds me of jolene... long lost jolene who is livin' it up in colorado.) so, betty... things are looking up at present for her. tears streamed down my face in k-mart as her mom and dad told me of incredible news. good. good. good. anyways, i drove to the apt. for second time that evening (i thought barb was still residing there.), and tap tap-- i could see betty from the door's window. she screamed. we hugged and talked and laughed and i meet the guy she is now with. paul, her brother, who is basically my brother-- finally got dressed- i am not saying anymore, and he told me about his new girl and his job. i hung out with her for the rest of the evening. though nobody won the blizzard scratch game and ashton's punk'd was blarring-- it was an amazing evening. and i am happy for her. *i have cold fingers. *i got on the computer to actually look for jobs in portland. i stumbled across some fine ones. but i am not planning on doing it. leaving. i was, for awhile i was. i read my "seattle" post i made last dec.. i am still antsy. but i am not content. someone told me this past summer that a new location, or a new job, or new relationships are not going to change your ability to be content. i want to run. my plan was to get out of this area, make new friends, discover truth, make a new idenity for myself, and say screw it to my past. it was going to be great. i was missing something though, and i think that something was that god is truth and reality and there is nothing more that i need. adventure is in him. i was craving adventure, and yet, because i see this god as a tame-ish, kind one, i forgot the truth. i have been reading job. job's trust in this god amazes me. and it is not a game for softies. he relies on the notion that his god is actual and without denying the one who made him he seperates truth from fantasy. i long to live honoring a god that cannot be compartmentalized into a saying on a t-shirt, or an article on a magazine- or hell, the thoughts in this girl's mind. god is more, and will always be more. and i love him because i don't get it. if i could understand his complexities, than he would be in no place to be the lord of all, now would he? *my saturn is paid for. oh, yeah the saturn no longer exists as it were. scrab metal somewhere, baby. but the loan is done. *i have chemistry books at home that i now have to study from. *i went running in the field yesterday. and i wore red so i wouldn't be shot down dead. *((someone left the nursing home through the window. yes, he was a resident. no, he is no longer living there. yes, i was on for that shift.)) *bethany and i and probably some others are going to the bradley hathaway show on tues. that should be good. *i think i am going to boston for new years. it seems to early to be talking about new years, but than again it is nov. i miss amber. *my parents were looking at a house on the lake in menomonie after church today. i haven't seen them yet to see how it went. **the following is a life that beckoning to me. **the following is quoted in brennan manning's signiture of jesus. --- I am a part of the fellowship of the Unashamed. I have the Holy SpiritPower. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made. I am a disciple of Jesus Christ. I won't look back, let up, slowdown, back away, or be still. My past is redeemed, my present makes sense,and my future is secure. I am finished and done with low living, sightwalking, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tame visions,mundane talking, chintzy giving, and dwarfed goals.I no longer need preeminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits, orpopularity. I don't have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised,regarded, or rewarded. I now live by presence, learn by faith, love bypatience, lift by prayer, and labor by power.My pace is set, my gait is fast, my goal is Heaven, my road is narrow, myway is rough, my companions few, my Guide is reliable, my mission is clear.I cannot be bought, compromised, deterred, lured away, turned back, diluted,or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in thepresence of adversity, negotiate at the table of the enemy, ponder at thepool of popularity, or meander in the maze ofmediocrity.I won't give up, back up, let up, or shut up until I've preached up, prayed up, paid up, stored up, and stayed up for the cause of Christ. I am adisciple of Jesus Christ. I must go until He returns, give until I drop,preach until all know, and work until He comes.And when He comes to get His own, He will have no problem recognizing me. My banner will be clear... (dr. moorehead, spoken by a martyr in africa.)--- hmmm. so i am still learning to continue and to have fun and to relize what it means to honor and follow the living god. dare i say LIVING? yep, i do.

composition notebook

i discarded it for a bit. my beloved composition notebook. but i have enjoyed it's presence for the past several days and i am returning there for a while. this may only be a slight departure- away from the craze of online blogishness, where you would hardly relize my stepping out-- or... i don't know. hopefully i don't forget my password so that i may return, if i wish. *** fare well for now. continue on and have fun------ and seek truth. i heard it does exist. ((oh, my composition notebook and my cup of mint white hot cocoa awaits.)) splendid. (and how are you this hour?)

old people

when did youthfulness become so appreciated, and the elderly, in turn- disregarded? nursing homes and various "wards" were supposedly the answer to this culture's disapproval. yet- the reputation i sense towards the majority of individuals i encounter, is an underlying disrespect for old people... i don't get it. isn't gray hair a gift from god? isn't there supposedly rich wisdom captured somewhere past the sparkled eyes?... *i feed a lady breakfast this morning and she just kept laughing. soon the entire table was laughing. it was contagious. i guess it usually is. *one man asked me what i knew for sure. i told him, "god is good." he replied, "you've got it," with a smeared grin. *another man taught me three german words. yes, i forgot them. *you know the story about the people who own a bunch of cats and just let them roam about. one lady showed me old pictures-- the lady she used to buy eggs from had over two hundred cats. though it was years ago that the photos were taken, this women could still not believe it as she handed the copies over for me to stare at as well. funny. it is. and i am glad the egg lady was not my neighbor. in fact i don't think i would buy eggs from her. no, i would not.

vowels.

that is what some of the kids were taught this day. they are so enthusiastic about teaching me as well. HIGHLIGHTS. -- i walked around calhoun on sunday. it was brisk and lovely, and it made my cheeks way red. --sunday night i went to solomon's porch on 35th in minneapolis. the sense of community intrigues me. i may attend agian. no negatives-- and i was pushed beyond my cozy comfort mode... we'll see. --checked out an apt. in st. paul, with four others alreadly living there. the previously planned roommate thang didn't work because of a better finanical situation on her end, so now i am checking out other alternatives. it was a beautiful place, near grand ave.- so those fun shops are around too. ((bibleot and peir one... and nice little cafes that make pretty food.)) yeah. i am actually leaning towards "no" but it is a fun idea to play around with. --went to a wedding. the people being married make me proud. --austin gave me a huge hug. i haven't seen him for ages. ok... literally months but it feels like AGES. (he is betty's boy who is now in kindergarten, and i held him the day after he was born. oh baby. he might a well be a man.) --i drove down the our driveway with new eyes. --every other word in donald miller's book, "searching for god knows what," is a highlight. --eating pie that tina made. --hearing emma's heart. --looking at my painted purple fingernails. ***ha. nice. fare thee well.

.

THE JOY OF CNA WORK WAS NOT EVEN AT ALL PRESENT TODAY. i sort of tried, but not really. it was one of those work shifts that... well, yeah... it wasn't too lovely. i wish i could share stories, but right now i must tend to my wounds and lick my bruises. ((that sounds absolutely discusting. gross.)) anyways. i am exhausted, and it is only 3 in the afternoon. i think i better go jump rope or color outside of the lines or something... maybe i will just eat. probably.

private road construction, eh?

i really enjoy reading the blogs people write which explain their daily events, etc...: bethany- you said it yourself... (live journal, oh, live journal); kyle- it is seemingly just your way, as of late; brad- you do it at times. don't try to deny it. i like reading these, i truely do. however; when i try it myself-- i feel so boring. why is that? _so, today. i slapped my alarm at 4:00. fell back asleep. than awoke in a start, and toss my covers off. (how are you doing?) i dressed. i drove. i punched in. i dressed others... and now i am in front of a blaring screen. that is today-- so far... enough about today. ***i am questioning again. honestly, i am glad i am. it may be problematic if the wondering ceased. -i wonder about the way my opinions are formed. -i wonder about my lack of courage. -i wonder about the grass on "the other side." -i wonder about the people that wave through the window of the vehicle speeding by. -i wonder about seemingly petty things like overheard gossip about strangers i don't know, and the actual color of the sky above-- or if it is simply the way our eyes and brain react with one another, and the meaning of the book of revelation. -i wonder about human existance, and my heart aches-- though i am unable to pin point all of the reasons why. i think about the fact that i have money to live on for a long time, and how so many stomachs are hollow at present. i think about how the rest of this liberary is quiet right now, but how i am raging inside with a voice that i do not know how to still. i wonder about the god, who said it is a new day-- i think about how it seems to me this day is boring and drab. -i wonder about the lives of the people that i work for and next to. -i wonder about my own life, and i can't help but think that there must be more to this LIFE-- because by medical definations i am living, yet, by others senses-- i am far from it. still. i am here. and here is where i must live. *my neighbor died last week. car accident. *there is a truck/ bus accident that is all over the news right now. the truck driver was 22 yr.s old and had a suspended liscense. the bus was one amoung several that were returning from a band competition. it was a smaller school not an hour from where i grew up. *the earthwake aftermath. *the hurricanes that came and are scheduled to continue to come. *i am sure there is more. sad junk. crap that sucks. stuff that just shakes you up and can make a person, or many... crazy. i don't get. i know the "right" answers. but actually? i don't get it. it shakes me up to. *my other neighbors, that my mom just visited last night-- living, hurting, proverty, etc. i don't understand. i have a job that i complain about, but i can feast. my muscles ache, but my body moves. ... i could go on. i don't understand so much. why does the sky appear blue? why do people say they are fine when they are far from it? i don't know. i do know: i can not deny that god breathes life into those who seek him. that might be all i know today. that might be enough. ---do you think studios down by the river in st. paul, mn are way expensive? probably. perhaps, i will live by a tree. i do like trees. ---do you think i will have enough heat this winter to get a parakeet? there are free ones that were advertised in the paper. but you know... i really don't want to freeze an innocent bird either. ---i really enjoy the community stuff. ---i really do not like the sound of boasting. ---i sometimes think that "really" is approriate. this is contrary to the opinion of one admired english instructors. yeah. bye. really. good bye.

the green hair band that is around my wrist is worn, and it just may fall off today.

i am with the girls and the boy. the elementary kids who's greastest form of supposed rebellion is the harry potter website-- they can go if their parents let them. and yes, at present, they are indulged in "weekly reader," the "cartoon network," and some "barbie" site. they were not interested in the puzzles that i brought. ((i had two "little mermaids" and others...)) last week, asked me college questions, and then shot the "are you a mom" one at me. i corrected them gentley. bethany cut my hair down by the river. it was outside, and it with breezy and beautiful. that was the first time for that expeirence. i got called into work the other day. i had to leave the house at 2 am. ridiculous. i ripped up my other nursing home application. ok. i am out. this day. i stopped at a red tree and plucked some of what it offered. god is a dang good artist.

a visit with plan b

i am doing important work. like fin. aid junk, and job applications. i didn't plan on spending my day off this way, but i have also noticed that most individuals aren't open and available friday days... friday nights are when the parties are going full blown, and i am neatly tucked under my blanket at least this eve. reason i was not invited into their presence: leaving for texas, some planned conference, an exam, and the deaded "w" word ((work)). it is ok, all. and i hope the day was enjoyable. i read some more of tozer's book this morning, and some of luke-- than i checked out two nursing homes in this area, i drove through a stop sign, and i tried to wink at someone (i am not an excellent winker), i ate kix, i drove down a one way- the wrong way, i went to goodwill, and i worked on the nessesary tasks- those forms i like to set aside. now i am racing the woman next to me with finger typing speed. she is a tad quicker but i am definatly gaining ground. i think i will go eat a bagel and get my hair cut, and smell autumn for a bit. and enjoy more of this day that i am not scheduled to work. it will be fun.

elmwood's book loaner place

it is way tiny. they have a couch with books on the upholstery. they charge 25 cents for a black and white print-out. and the liberarian asked if i knew how to get onto google. i smiled. she was sweet. she still is. anyways. its downtown and the outside is painted like books on a shelf. i think the place is rather cozy. but yeah, i am not really in a writing mood-- just stopping by. ((i had to get my pin for fin-aid.)) and while i was here i had a strong urge to put another plug in for tozer's book. "born after midnight." i have been through the first chapter alone, four times. i read it outloud to my parents and was refreshed, awakened, and convicted during those as well. i found myself paused and in awe about the words that were crying out on the page. seriously. and not in some cheesy religious way. tears streamed down my face, and something "else" was peirced with truth. this man knew a lord that, dare i say, many do not know. "many," this scares me. i was chatting with my mom about churches on sunday. and this hour, is not the hour to enter again into that conversation. i just wonder, how many who claim that they know jesus christ actually know... have actually encountered. the absolute holy one. the creator of the universe. the one who knows our deepest "hidden" secrets. this i wonder. ((and tozer's book, encourages truth to be actually found. scott, recommended it to me more than two years ago. oh, how i wish i would have sought the book out with a greater urgency than... so, i pass on that recommedation. and, if i could do it again i wouldn't wait another day to locate a copy.)) *and i am done. i hope you heard the plug, but more than that i hope you are real, in the identity you profess-- whatever idenity that is. i hope i am real, with that in which i profess as well. love you all, me

and the leaves fall.

my mind is swimming. it feels heavy and it sort of hurts. i was up until about 2.30 last night. 12 hours prior, i sat in an building that spoke beauty and history from it's very bricks...bethany, sarah and i, watched an amazing performance of men and women alike, twirl and move with A- perscision (in my opinion). i envy their flow and flexability. i long for strong toes as well-- but i am not will to work my body in those ways. so, i will watch and admire and appreicate their skill and artistry and athletic drive. and i will try to clap at the appropriate times. we'll see. jade and his family were there. it was fun to see him; i wonder if his arm has to be twisted quite a bit to get there-- as he didn't seem thrilled to be present. i also saw heidi. she is a wonderful young mom, who totally knows how to make people feel welcome for who they truely actually are. she has the best smile. i worked with her a couple years ago, and have seen her several times since then. it was a treat to be able to chat with her for a moment. there is a neat family who i know from living word chapel that was in the audience as well. these people care and you can tell is be simply being in their presence. amy and mike showed amazement along with their two small girls about the show. it was nice to see them together and connecting. after the preformance i had planned to head to the liberary and get some forms printed out. (((the tech. school that i am looking into attending in january has requested several other things before i can be placed on the waiting list for the nursing program. it is pretty incredible how is is looking at present. because i already have a b.s., many of my generals will simply transfer over. i already have my c.n.a. lisense so that saves three weeks of time (and that is if i would have gotten into a place right away). my act scores totally passed their minimum. so what is left is that i have to take a CPR course through the Red Cross *which i am trying to get into one on nov. 19th at present. and i need to take a chemisty test. so that is it, a chem. test (which i could have had if i didn't relentlessly fool around in my high school class. yeah. i ended up with a c-, but plenty of memories of broken beakers and various co2 cartliege stories.) and an 8 hour class in st. paul... i am kind of excited. so we will see...))) but i didn't leave menomonie-- we went to a thrift store and i bought a leather jacket- it was 6 bucks and it is great. it is carmel in color; i also got an eightiesish zip-up stripped hoodie to go underneath. bethany scuffed up the hoodie's edgeing for a more "you're my sweatshirt and i am pretending to the world right now that we have expeirenced things together, even though you just came of the rack and your previous owner seemingly never took you out to play-- let not be proper, my friend, my hoodie-- let's allow your look to establish openness during our time together at all times." i think that is what we were going for. it was lovely with them. sarah apt. is quaint in a really good why. she has a hot neighbor... he doesn't know how to hook up rabbit ears, but i suppose he can be excused. we slurped up noodles and played truth or dare- minus the dare. bethany wasn't up to running around the house naked, or whatever. pumkin spice cappicino in now at your local holiday stores. go already. after an exhausting, wonderful "game" of truth. i buddled up and proceeded to get home. my parents were scheduled to be around. they returned from their eastern escapade, hopefully with a blueberry pie for me... i check the mail box at our driveway, and i was plesantly surprised to find a magazine and two packages with my name attached. i didn't even think about a bomb scare-- perhaps that should always be in the back of my mind. yeah. no. my amazon books. yea. i received "capivating" by eldridge, which yeah i don't know-- but i have read parts and decided a bit ago that i would like my own copy to mark up. and... "born after midnight" by tozer, which i read a chapter of last night to the dim blaze of a wearing out flashlight, and wow. is it going to be one of my favorites. i can tell. than, i slept. and i dreamt. but i don't remember what it was about. now, i am leaving to hear tales about maine and long lost relatives and my darling sister and the ocean. but, before i drive home, i will buy milk-- like a good daughter would. blah.

october

that word looks funny. did i spell it wrong? it just looks odd and out of place. --- yesterday evening i wrote with a pen on a green hued notebook. it hasn't been a long time since "i wrote," however; it has been quite a while since i took out a notebook an dilbertly wrote thoughts that could at some point turn into more than sentences on a tablet- with an ink pen in my clentched fingers. anyways. i have been challanged recently by god and others-- and you know i have just realized more so that it really isn't going to be easy. (obedience) for some reson i thought it would be easy. but it is not. anyway. i wrote about bobby-pins. just in case you all are wondering. ***i like fall. i want to super glue the colorful leaves back on the branches. so i think i would, if i had a tall ladder and a long extension cord, and a bunch of donated glue sticks. come on. who else like fall? ((and when it rained earlier this week, my smile was unstopable. seriously. unstopable. it was just there. all day long. than i fell asleep, and it was still present. *if anyone ever needs assistance with sandbagging- call me.)) today: i decided to write down the things that come out of old people's mouths instead of common foul language. maybe. so, i didn't decide for sure yet. not quite yet. my list has begun. and i won't shred it today. AND in two months it will be my birthday. i just noticed. )enjoy today.(

i am with the dancer girls

oh. i like it. our first session is over. i had 5 girls. and the second has begun. there is only one. she is playing "pizza party pick-up" on the disney site. hilarious. though it does look fun.((elementary boyceville girls after school ballet and tap classes.))

i wanted to write something...

but i am not too sure what direction i am currently headed as my finger's-on-the-keys get ahead of me slightly. maybe i wanted to mention that it is lonely in the woods when i don't have much money to set a side for excursions. maybe i wanted to talk about how i am reilaizing more so that people relationships are essential. perhaps i wanted to state that i really do not enjoy washing dishes-- even when the music is playing loudly and i am dancing about in something fun-- the dishes are still not inviting. it could be that i wanted to talk about the squash i had for lunch or the way the rain streaked down every window i peered out this morning and how it refreshed my very inards. maybe i wanted to talk about the laptop that i saw advertised and currently believe it is a worthwhile investment. perhaps i do want to talk about me. even though my socks are mismatched and i had a funny black marker smear across my hand today. even though i have again applied at another (job) location. even though... i still talk about me. i am still absorbed in my self, and my views and my opinions. i still crave for them to be heard. do i long to be pitied? understood? appreciated? probably. i wish it were different. i want to give again and not mind my giving going unnoticed. i long to see people once more as valuable treasures and peices of magnificent creation. i desire to know love. not some sappy romantic junk. rather the depth of genuine adoration and respect and grace poured upon. not nessicarly the care that another offers to a friend, but instead the courage it requires to honestly befriend a stranger with a stained reputation. i want to learn agian how to care. and as i quickly usher this information-- i wonder what it will require of me. me= a girl who dispises dishes. enough about me. i must ask another how they are. i must ask another how their heart beats these days. so i will.

crab legs, ...stalking is exhausting..., a pinched pinky, and girly girl scouts, etc.

welcome to my filtered-for-readership mind. hi.

1. karen and dad: (mom said she kind of likes it when i address her the way the majority of the world does. though i typically mention her name in a jokingly-i'm-so-old, and so-are-you manner. notice how i am now attempting to seriously approach this new-call-your-parents-by-their-first-name-thing. dad, or james william... stated that he would continue to like to be mentioned or beckoned to, by that same noise that come out of my mouth when i was about two. so, dad-- i will continue to do my best. *i am grinning. i like those people.) my parents left for an east coast trip. in fact they drove through NY city yesterday-- and if i were with them, we WOULD HAVE stopped to view oliver twist on the big screen. __if you a presently in NY or LA, go see it. come on, you totally have a week on the rest of the nation! take advantage of that privledge already!-- they get to meet the man (mass.) that amber is serious about... that's cool.-- and go to my mom's side reunion (maine) and expeirence faces and laughter that has not been see or heard in many years. and hang out at the ocean. and eat lobster. oh-my-delicious. ((thus my reasoning for pondering moreso the amazing buttered crab legs that i consumed the other evening. even though i am unable to see the waves, i am still able to feast upon the creatures of the deep. delightful seafood, i like you. thank you for making my tastebuds happy.)) and they'll probably eat cake. i don't know, but i would bet big money on it. usually at larger events-- don't people usually eat cake?
2. a question was brought up a bit ago. when you exchange casual information with another person (whom you don't really know), one person or both saying that it would be fun to hang out-- do you call them back? i am sure the person i was speaking with didn't ask the question in the exact same way that i just pronounced it, though similar... this question was pertaining to the scores of cell phone numbers stowed away (friend thing/ non romantic thing), it may pertain to the numerous email addresses that have been filed electronically... we chatted, and discussed, and attempted to solve the dileama of lack of community, within 47 minutes. just in case, you're wondering-- the issue is not "fixed." just in case, you're wondering-- i believe christ-like living requires community. i think it is much more scarey to 'open up' when one has only been 'closed,' than to be a contestent on Fear Factor... because on the reality program, you have away-from-camera's-view-helper-emergency-people in case anything may go wrong... than, of course, if the god i serve is the same god described in the bible, than, well... heck, bring on the community moreso. connect with the hordes that just sit in the filed address books. one muttered comment was STALKING IS EXHAUSTING which i think is true. every time. ((with people there is an obvious point of annoyance leading to unhealthy crap leading later to possible danger, here me shout: r.e.s.p.e.c.t.)) however, now is see that statement could protray truth in more cirrcumstances... GO COmmUNiTY, because people want it bad-- a lot of people it seems. go coMMunIty. RAHH. RAHH. RAHH. (ha)
3. and yes, my dang pinky was smashed by gordon's side rail. it still hurts. i know this because i keep pressing down on it to see if the pain is still present. why do we do that? inflecting pain upon oneself. shoot.
4. the girl scouts are making beaded things in the back room and listening to cheesy pop music. i used to like in a sort of peer pressured way.
5. i want soup. some thick, creamy soup. i am not sure what kind.---i mailed my last september bills today. it sort feels like i am prematurely bidding my "i wish i could see you again but i NEVER will"'s to september. but i guess that is just how it works.--- the leaves are turning.--- avery is dead. i sort of want a cat. probably not really. i just want something to pet and feed. it is like unhealthly relationship searching after a breakup, i suppose. i don't really know. but maybe. anyways. i am not a cat person. but i would really like to have a little kitty for about a week. than i might not recall avery's death... only the other times.--- last weekend i dressed up and played guestbook lady/presents girl/blue drink server at a good friend's wedding. it was beautiful; the guestbook was, and the wrapping paper, and yes, i was partcularly fond of the laddle... well, and the bride= no doubt: stunning, groom= handsome, for real and the ceremony; beautiful. i was able to reconnect with one of my friends from high school. he is a navy man-- weird, and he has a house-- that is so weird. weird, meaning very neat, i am excited for him, we are so old (but not really-- i take care of a lady who is 103.)... and it is weird, and neat, and exciting to see where he is at now. oh matt. i am proud of you friend.---wonder what's up with hurricane rita. i have only heard little and read before-it-hits-land-predictions...--- i ran out of gas for the first time. i was on the interstate. i was more frustrated that anything else because i could see a sign for the next exit being only one mile away. it was nice to stop a cop, instead of vise-versa. bethany was my first hero. and aaron was my second. he and bethany work together to jump-start my little petrol eater. positive to postive, negative to negative. *yeah. we put gas into it. but than the battery was dead. i totally wish i had a camera. i saw too huge crated trucks with pumpkins. if that doesn't speak fall/autumn, than i don't even know. it was nice to be rescued.---i get to sleep in past four a.m. tommarow. what about yourself.--- sleep tight. when you get there.

that is plenty. now into your mind. shall we delve? ha. let it be a good day. and yes, it is your turn.

avery kersting

you will be missed smelly, beloved dog. you will be missed. RIP

i have this book...

it is on the smallish side. it is red, and hardcovered. across the center it reads P A S S I O N. and than in the bottom right corner, letters are formed together to read every day. it is a blank book except for these thought-provoking quotes on the bottom edges of the paper as you flip through. (i have made it into a planner thing. not because i am in the mood to be artsy-- nope. i simply ran out of money to purchase predated sheets.) here is today's quote ***err, i am making it be today's quote. enjoy. "Follow your desire as long as you live." -PTAH HOTEP. i don't think i will attempt to alter the fonts for a while. that was sort of an exhausting process._______________ the computers are still dead at home. the liberary does wonders.________________for labor day i visited my grandparents. my grandpa's cancer is on the rise, so that is kind of tough. he is 83 and drives way fast. i always think that it may be the last time my feet touch solid ground every time i get in his vehicle with him. funny adventures. they had a bowl of chocolate kisses that were within eyesight basically the entire time i was there. they really enjoyed the camera phone on my mom's new cell phone._______________ (these words don't got together: mom, cell phone.) oh, and i wasn't invited in on the family plan that my younger sister and parents set up with their new communication method. hilarious. now i simply watch with a shake of my head as they venture out to the left corner of the porch to gain reception.__________ i am looking into apartments in hudson, wi. it is a beautiful boarder town. it is definatly a large town. i wasn't looking at large towns! (i was craving a big city-- not in the midwest region) however... as i have been talking with individuals for the long while... and finally pausing to tie some of it together more recently, it seems the this is the next step. i am thinking a couple years rights now, and that is what is running through my mind as i consider some more things that are revealing themseves... the idea of nursing has raced through mind A LOT. i still wish god would hand me a peice of paper about exactly how this life is to unfold but it seems that i am finalizing some decisions that have been long awaited. peace, for real- has taken over when last week, i first spoke these ideas. now, i must see about enabling them to come about and not simply running with my pipe-dreams._________________i was in the cities over the weekend. it was refreshing. it was nice to know that i am still able to be a defensive driver.________ two of my uncles are in new orleans- helping where they are able to. i long to go. they're might be an oppurtunity to get down there with the church my parent's attend. we will see. for tonight i stand in the northern woods and i pray, for that situation and others.______ night all. i enjoy comments. any kind. (funny-- how did that happen?) *where lays your passion?

a list for one who misses classes. (only one tear trickles down.)

several new notebooks. lotsa pencils. two pens-- black/ medium ball point. a calaculator-- the fancy scientific, way expensive ones that i loan out mid-october and never see again. one plastic backpack-- that my bored 'creative' fingers scribble all over. smelly markers-- because i am now teacher-aged. and a good squared eraser-- the yellowy ones. ***current list subject to change/ expand/ evolve... ENJOY SCHOOL ALL YOU LUCKY DUCKS WITH HEAVY BACKPACKS, SORE SHOULDERS, AND DUMB BUSY WORK. yes. i am yelling. ENJOY IT. bye.

new orleans

insurance company closed due to hurricane. i was mad. raging. now i just wait for the winds to clam themselves so i can call again.

((welcome to the evening's Long Blog. the title was meant to forewarn of length alone.))

*I CAN not continue any longer down this path that I have been trudgging. *Dry are my eyes. They crave tears. My heart is on the verge of being broken. I cling for control and yet that is what must be lost. *His name is freedom. My eye are fixated upon his and I can not help but lust. I have grown up to understand that lust is a wrong act. Something by which I must run from. This attraction is not impure, this attraction I feel has been motivated by the very one who enables me to breath. Freedom simply lives. I long for that. *I laughed at the girls who envied her. She was my friend. I loved her. I had reason to envy her. But it is hard to truly love someone and truly envy someone at the same time. Believe me, I tried. *"Tell the story." A voice echoed within my hurting body. I grasped to unearth the words that did not naturally flow from the depths of my existance. I dug to capture my raw emotional insight, but my mind remained clouded and in pain. The thoughts could not be roped to be put on display at moments notice. __________I am not sure when I wrote that. I just found the words that were strung together hidden away electronically… As for my voice tonight; here goes. The week has been busy. Quite. I have really enjoyed most parts of it though tonight I am exhausted and my reflection looks tired. The shift I work at present is from 5:30 am until 2:00 pm. It has been a good change from my typical afternoon and evening shifts. It has been neat to see the new day peeking out from the edge of darkness. I like getting off at 2:00 and knowing that there was a period in my life that I didn’t even get dressed for the day until the clock read pm of some sort. It has been nice.___ I had a crazy overload of evening plans this past week. It seems that my new availability times have been taken advantage of, in a good way. Conversations were laced with vulnerability. Laughter was found in an atmosphere of trust. And sarcasm lingered slightly. Details withheld. If you really want to know I will inform. But, perhaps you don’t and yeah… I am not in the mood to write them out if you don’t really want to hear. ENOUGH. Good times with old friends and new friends and ducks.___________My lovely friend, Shandi, was brave enough to confront me about some things about myself that I did not see. I have wanted to pick up and get-out-of-town for a long while. I have been antsy. She enlighten me about my relationship tendencies: great with interactions with strangers, bad at the bridge from acquaintances to friends, loyal with those whom are choosen companions. In other words, I have a lot of "friends" but few whom I truly consider my FRIEND, persons I am able to just BE while I am in their presence. So, it takes me a long time to make these FRIENDs. …therefore… if I run far, my network will not be as near as it is at present. (…but I have these sorts of FRIENDs throughout this nation and others… hmmm. Maybe Shandi just wants me around physically a bit longer. Ha.)_______I was supposed to go to a fish fry tonight with Christa, whom I met while I was working at the shop. We are going to do it next week hopefully because of exhaustion it is not happening this eve… The pictures down below are of my last day at the shop. They all wrote little notes on a blanket and the break table’s room was filled with flowers and gifts (those incredible velcro shoes!) and food. Anyways. I have been up to visit and it has been good. Tough to leave. Time to leave. Tonight when Christa and I chatted on the phone—it seemed as if I worked there yesterday._________Plans. I don’t know. I am realizing finally that it is ok to not know. So, yeah—I still have new ideas and new inklings every other day. I will need to choose and just go after that, in a bit—but tonight, I think it is ok to not really know. Tomorrow will take care of it’s self, eh? I think I have heard that somewhere._________ My parents were just informed recently that they could go to Sudan to work with a missionary from my uncle’s church if they are interested. So, new things are unfolding. We’ll see. ________Emma is planning on heading to UW Superior to study Art Therapy on Tuesday. I think she should join a sorority.___ I actually just got done on the phone with Amber. She knows hot guys I could make out with but not to have a crush on because they are flaky. Next time I get to Boston, I’ll just meet them. Funny. Anyways. She is good. Her birthday is really soon. Thee forth. I like her a lot. Not just because I am supposed to like her/ love her—nope. I actually really enjoy her and I wish I could attend the-movie-viewing-through-the-projector-while-I-am-in-a-plastic-lawn-chair-arranged-in-the-back-yard-of-one-of-her-friend’s-place with her…that would be nice. But instead I am typing a really long blog, and I am writing you—whomever you are. Do you want to tell me who you are? I am leaving. Nowish. Until next time.

-***-, I forgot that this computer is unable to connect up with the scanner. No ALCO pictures it seems. It is like a movie. Little shops with vests and tags and highschoolers and old people. It could totally be a movie. Emma and I think so.

doctor's order

i had another near-fainting-event at work today. this time i actually had a banana, an english muffin, a large handful of rasins, two slices of toast spead each heavily with peanut butter and strawberry jam, gushing about "somewhere" within me. anyways after i turned pastey in color and managed to regain my vocal abilty, they tested my blood sugar and proceeded to wheel me over to the next door clinic. i sat in the little room shivering as the sun was beating down through the window-- so, yeah. that was my surreal event of the day. the test came back negative for diabeties. the doctor said i should be carrying hard candies around for emerencies... after some "life" returned to my face, i went back to work. of course, i paused at the gas station afterwards to pick up a roll of life savers-- and the implications of that didn't occur to me until this instance.___________ hmmm. in sixth grade our class went on a field trip to a huge county park. i was off tromping throughout the trails with some of my classmates. laughing, and shouting, and running with abrupt halts do not make for a great combination for any kid with asthma. after a hacking fit with sudden gasps for a possible breath... i yelled for chocolate. someone had a peice shoved in their pocket and it was soon in my mouth. with reassuring friends at my side i was brought back to the main site, no longer hacking. (i think its the caffine in chocolate... coffee is good as well... for asthma attacks.) funny. anyways, my asthma is basically nonexistant now. enough about ailements. that word looks wrong.____________ it was bethany's birthday yesterday. i like her a lot. people like her a lot. i hope she knows that. you would like her... if you don't already. for real. but, it is so much more than her "like-ability." she is a filteration of creative genius. she is wickedly hilarious. she weeps about and over people and souls she has never encountered to this day. i sound like i am trying to convince you. whatever. she just is beautiful and i can't help spewing a mini- list. so today is her first full day of being deemed 23 in age. yup._______ god has been consistent. and holy. and worthy. and it is like, when the day is considered done in my mind-- he asks me how it was. and again, in my tracks, i am stopped. there is a holy living god -alive and dwelling and i can simply answer his question of how i am, of how my day was... and he wants to hear. and he wants to respond. and than he is still here when i don't "hear" his question. so god is holy... do you know that this hour? do i know that this hour?__________________ picklefest is this weekend. that is boyceville's big hurrah. there are big dill pickles for sale and whoever win's the road race gets a metal pikle with a face and "in action" limbs. small town celebrations the are definatly memorable. the kerstings are having a garage sale at the hanger with the gray door both friday and saturday. i am selling a purple electric guitar and t-shirts from jr. high. come quickly! the prices are hot! ______________ the popsicle that i am eating dripped on the keyboard. thats it. i am leaving. fare thee well.

i guess it is broken for real.

((the computer at home.)) anyways, i should have used "e" instead of "a" in the manly word of my last post. i know this. i am sort of sorry. sort of.... the interview went well. the p.c. one-- it more or less had me in my traveling mode, and i enjoy that very much. but i must focus moreso on "street kids" - that is the only clear direction i have at present (and i have had for awhile, but i liked tossing it towards the back because after a bit it wasn't "new and exciting" to me.). so, i am back in my saving mode and moving out in january mode and now it is to a big city. city that has numerous options in the direction i am actually sure about. so the p.c. is likly to be revisited but, perhaps not at this time. we'll see. shandi and d are living in a little yellow house. mr. rodgers, i miss you. i got a job and quit a job and got a new job yesterday all within like four days. i am not sure how i feel about that considering i have like 15 jobs on my work history list-- and no i don't list the ones i have held for two days total. i must work on my commitment.

ladies and gentleman, welcome to august

and i am coming out of the dark corner just for a moment... thursday. in like two days, thursday. i have an interview with peace corp. so, yup. it has been a long process thus far and i am sure it will continue to be no matter the outcome of the meeting. that's all. i have to shave my legs,... and i want to shave my legs for this initial impression. so, pray if you would. for whatever god wants. because really when i stop with my petty indulgences, that is what i want. enjoy this day. because, it will never agian be. ((my right shoulder hurts. maybe i am having a growth spurt right there. what if that shoulder suddenly grew a lot? and only that one? ok, now i look silly as i am grinning a silly grin. it is probably not a growth spurt.)) IT'S AUGUST! *the ice cream in stillwater is a good augusty treat. trust me. just kidding. prove it to your own tounge. it is one block of myrtle street.

my fingers want to dance a bit

I put in my notice today at work. Yes, I cried. Back to nursing assistant work. I get to hang out with the wise once again. So, my desktop was hit by lightning last week—and it seems the modem is a bit screwed up, though the fan still works… Anyway, I am back on the laptop that was given to me while I was in Australia by the generosity of the Paige family. STORYTIME: Basically, my loaned-to-me laptop was sitting in a somewhat secure location (so I thought), it peeked out from under the bed. The wind reached in and wrestled with something on the bed-stand, which in turn knocked over a roll of film… The film turned over several times, than landed on the peeked out park of the laptop with enough force to shatter a layer of the screen lining. It was too expensive to fix… foreign parts and what-have-you. So I opted to mope around a bit. I had only been in the country for several weeks… in the country for schooling, and my supposed method of assignment completion was messed up. I am going to cut out some crazy parts from the middle but the ending is the good part anyway… The Paige family, the elderly couple who loves Jesus and truly exemplifies generosity knocked on my host family’s door and offered the computer to me. I thanked them and told them that I would return it in June. They looked deeply at me, and replied, “Keep the computer. We only ask one thing… Use it only to give God glory.” And I still thank them… So, now I find myself back on here reading old assignments I wrote, and old letters and email responses that I had transferred into a Word doc. for convenience sake while I was over there, and now I find them undisturbed--as if they were hidden away in some time capsule... I could write more. And another day I will, but slumber and rest beckons me again. Oh, my dad is heading off to EAA tomorrow. He is a pilot. Yeah, I am boasting. That is a darn big accomplishment I would have to announce. He is excited. It is one of those summer ventures he likes to do, and he almost wasn’t able to make it this year. But, the tides changed and he is heading off super early tomorrow morning. I am excited for him. Just in case you haven’t noticed…

the daughter of a librarian

the moon wants to come up. it won't. not quite yet. the summer sun lags. that is the truth. it is slow. and it lags. i think it keeps shining for all of the kickball games that are not even nearly over at 8:30 pm. that is what i think. that is why the summer sun lags. and the moon has to wait. it all comes backs to kickball. the same one you were taught in first grade.__ yes, i am a daughter of a librarian. yes, i am in the facilty after the sign on the outside reads "closed." *wells fargo keeps me in-line, money-wise because i am bad at writing in the little book. *blogs don't keep me awake at night, but they do tend to offer perspective during the daylight hours. *hotmail controls my emotions. i am lying. i hope you know that. *random organizational sites make me wonder about my tomarrows. *yahoo maps offer timed direction. that is cool. i wish other sources offered timed direction. ...trust... oh, yeah. trust.____this weekend consists of an interview. and the bubble baby shower. and betty parent's surprize anniversary party. and swimming at a hotel. and the housesitting people coming home to their home i like calling my home. and sunday school. and challanging-randy-dean-messages-from-jesus-church. and a bridal shower for my hot friend. that might be it on the agenda. did i mention i don't like agendas. i don't. lists are ok. but agendas feel more permenant to me, and thats not fun. oh, and i am going to have fun. i have already decided. but i should go. because the police station is downstairs and yeah... i should maybe go. tonight i get to do dishes and feed the dog and do laudry-- with the music as loud as i please. and i could talk to myself if i wanted to and it wouldn't be deemed weird. perhaps, it would-- but no one but uma will be there. it is friday night and i am alone. and i am so looking forward to loud music. ('shoot hoops' (it seems weird for me to say that, but that is what i did) i did "that" with cat stevens singing to me yesterday's eve. and the stars and the moon looked on. good times. though i have a terrible aim and not very stong arms. it was still good.)

this computer works fast

i am on the second housesitting adventure. the dog's name is Uma--she is huge and has massive black fur-- and they have an amazing flower garden... i hope i don't kill any of the plants. so, i get to use their quick-running internet service, and eat their food for a week. nice. i hope they have fun on their venture. ***this afternoon's wedding was lovely. we were dripping sweat and i was glad i was a girl and wearing a sundress, rather than a boy and wearing dress pants. the consideration of chopping off my hair did pass rather quickly through my mind; no sissors yet. the bridesmaids wore black... yeah, it was hot. it was good to be in attendence though. ***i hung out a bit after the ceremony but i didn't end up going to the reception. i had some thinking to do. i began traveling towards home but i opted to go a different way. i stopped at this sandstone cliffish thing on the side of the road. the last time i had gotten out at this destination, i probably was age ten. seriously. anyways, i was now in different attire, and i found myself climbing this sandy slope with pen and notebook in hand. i kicked the fine dust and it avalanched down. after forcing the sand off various sides for about twenty minutes i just stood there. and i continued the process of myself being placed rightly before the only god that was and is. i asked him questions. he didn't verbally answer. i asked more. still no noise from the one that is holy. a lot of my questions had "why" as their prefice. "why was i born in the usa?" "why here in wisconsin?" "why do i know the people i do?" "why have you revealed yourself to the deepness of who i am?" "why?"-- the list continued, and than some more. i asked him questions about himself. questions that do not deny that he is more than i could even wonder or imagian. i am not sure. i am being changed more so. religion discusts me. hyporocisy discusts me. pettyness discusts me. but i am also seeing that what i see as petty-- others depict as a catostapic event... i want to be about want really actually matters, but i keep hearing good godly individuals speak of sparkle evangelism-- being extra friendly and nice and than pray for oppurtunities. im not sure i agree, at all. -------------there is a song that goes--"i don't want to be a flame, i want to be a raging fire..." ------- the time on the sandy mount is now valued, even though as i came down i crashed upon my right leg and i thought i may have broken it. geeze. ***so, now i might get a stick sift from my neighbor and pay only a little. it might be like driver's ed all over again. but i would feel tough. we'll see, presently, i still drive the van. yes, thee big and bad van. ***penny informed me that she bought blow-up floaty things. i want the river. actually, wouldn't that be fun- to float in the late night- watch the stars and have your feet immersed? now that is good.

T day.

• the high school reunion is in the process of being planned- we are just going to do it. i want everyone to show. it might happen, right? yeah... reality. to me that is the sad part. truly that their are some kids that i went to school with from kindergarten through senior year, and i won't see them agian. i might. statistics shout something else-- but i MIGHT see them all at the get together that someone deemed a "reunion."
• i figured out my bills on a hunk of cardboard tonight. it was more nice than the stark white of many notebook papers.
• i found a dubbed copy of pink floyd in my room and i am currently allowing his lyrics and noise thrash about in my head. i have no idea where it come from. i hope i am not a theif.
• the new harry potter books came in today. i heard that a copy leaked out prior to the release date of the 16th. that is not good. i will be vauge and say it happened east of the mississippi because it did, and i presently do not recall the state, town, zip code, numbered registar, or appearance of the customer it was supposedly sold to. i just don't. inform yourself. i only will provide "east of the mississippi" to wetten your tastebuds. i have yet to read her books-- though i hear she is an author that has the abilty to really pull the readers in.
• two weddings this weekend. saturday afternoon. sunday evening. my tan lines are in the wrong spots but that can be worked on. the celebrations will be beautiful, i am sure. they are both for friends. i am not in either, which is kind of a nice change from last year. i get to watch and witness and be present on a day that will not be forgotten for the rest of their lives. sunday's is for a good friend from high school. we kept in touch casually throughout the college years and when i was supposed to meet this guy (whom she is now marrying) for the first time-- i accidently slept through our planned breakfast. i have yet to live it down. she recently told me that he still randomly asked if he'll ever get to met to friend who stood us up. only a couple more days buddy. of course, he won't actually remember because he'll totally be enamored with the fact that he is in the process of marrying a stunning women, a hot volleyball player, and a super teacher to little ones and older a like. saturday's will be lovely. i recall meeting with this one as she spoke with such grace about the man who she allowed her heart to open to in vulrability. i remember the words that were cloaked in confidence. i can envision now the sparkles in her smitten eyes. they will be neat displays that i get to witness. i hope my shoes are confortable.
• i am going back to roundish nails.
• look up, the sky is amazing.

Tonight's dissection ritual

“Real fruit filling“ that is not REAL at all. A Sunburn I am excited about. Sweat must be a part of life, right? The sparkly round big fireworks. Small rapids that I wish were much larger. Knuckle wrinkles. Beef jerky. ALCO vests. Piercing eyes. Surreal-meeting-up-with-Tyler-and-others-event, (Tyler= a fellow weekend hang-out-er from pre and early high school, who grew up and now is not shorter than me, and does cool computery stuff in some southern state. His jet plane left. Weird.) James returned from Brazil. (No stories yet, he was delirious from sleep deprivation. Instead, we all sat about and enjoyed the invention of catch phrase and each other. Oh, funny and fun.) Tattoos. Routine and routine interruption. Water. Cold foot, hot foot. Non-acetone. Dedication. Worthy Numb3rs. Make-out scenes. Christmas in July. Long applications. Bad posture. Long cords. The clearance gun that makes me believe I truly am a super power-- in fact, just call me… let me know. “Green Ticket” doesn’t sound as super power-y as I would like to be. Scrubs. “Life’s calling…” Nutty bars. Amazing Cliff bars. I am making no sense, that is, I don’t think I am. I am not really trying to be messy and random and chaotic with my thoughts, but that is the way they are rushing out. Someday I will look back on the notes taken from life that I jotted down on this fine day and I will write another great classic that will steal the adventurous hearts and minds of the young and old a like. I haven’t written a classic- others have. I am attemping to clarify thee “another” but whatever-- maybe I already have written the classic and “another” does refer to hard work of my behalf. Believe what it is, you will.) Yup. Ok, so I like the sunburn but my shins hurt slightly. I don’t bite my nails any longer and I am trying the squareish look for a change. Round was nice. Actually, I am just trying to figure out an appropriate length and such-- because I have realized that since I am not qnawing them off I better do something with them. Long talons with stars was my first idea. It is not a big deal, but it is a deal. Reunions. So, I think I have to plan ours. It is July and yeah. My graduating class numbered 63 individuals and I know of a larger handful that are in the area so it is not really a huge issue but, I’m not sure… really, I have to get a hold of another one of our “class leaders”-- we really didn’t know that this reunion responsibility would fall on our shoulders when we were ‘up for election.’ Anyways, I have to check and see this week because if we didn’t have one that would be a bit sad. It is really crazy to think that I have been out of high school for five years. It sort of went quite fast--that is my opinion, today. Ha. This prose is total like Rice Krispies and Fruit Loops and Lucky Charms and Granola-- all mixed together. I’d pick out the marshmallow rainbows, if I were reading it. I would consume those first-- then I would opt to devour a chunk of sweetened oats. Delicious.

do you snore?

it's ok. don't feel obligated to reply. so, i hope you are sleeping. you are right, i am not-- but i still hope you are. the day was good. just returned to the cabin in the woods, sheesh. i bought a great dress for cheap that i plan on going dancing in really soon... now that the dancing rules are no longer held by a paper covenant and i have allowed ample time to adjust to the idea of clubing and such. no scuzzy grinding. no other scarey sexually implied stuff. and comfortable shoes; required. those are my rules. and i'll have to wait a bit for the shoes-- colorful secquinned flats called my name while we were out today and these clear heels that have light sensors-- but i bid my farewell with a tear nestled in the corner of my eye.*** we had malts at annie's parlor. which is an amazing place, in dinkytown-- minneapolis. our waiter seriously looked like some stalion from a romance novel. for real. that was not my comment to begin with, but after it was spoken i had a hard time getting the idea out of my mind. he was a good waiter, for real.*** i think i am going to bed... but not quite yet. i am reading a book about the donner party. it is so good. the snowy passage. that might be the title. i can't quite visiulize it. i like true stories, or based on true events-- those types of books, movies, etc. intrique me.*** note to self: fear placed in corrective position.*** oh, gosh. jade lost a tooth yesterday evening. i was helping sage in the bathtub when the news fist arrived. he was upset. (he has lost quite a few and they aren't growing in fast enough for him.) so, he was kind of a bloody mess. i was trying to get him something to soak up a bit of the blood while keeping an eye on the mermaid in the bathtub who was lying in the water with a wet washcloth over her face while holding her breath... it was crazy for just a couple moments. than jade left. my attention was focused once agian. minutes pass. JASMINE... JASMINE... i told him to come back downstairs and talk to me. "ilostmytoothitsbetweenthestoveandthefridge." what? "mytoothisbetweenthestoveandthefridgeandicantgetitout." well, he is not a toothfairy believer so it was fetched out after his head hit the pillow. but i am still kind of laughing about the entire event. hmmm.*** i was thinking about only writing on this thing during the T days. but seeing that it is the end of one S day and the beginning of another and the fingers are scurying about in attempt to find proper letter keys... yup. i changed my mind. *** the afternoon. that shop holds style in the palm of its hands. ***ok. now it is bedtime. and my eyes are getting h e a v i e r.

thanks for the summertime

no. i did not run this morning. that was for all of you who care. i care. i care that i didn't run. so now awaits the plauging questions-- that asks if i really care or if i just think it is appropriate to care, so i pretend i do. i think i really care. but, i have yet to completely convince myself.*** conversations. today: wow. *i had a conversation about "religion". I HATE RELIGION. it seems some only know jesus in that 'context' though... so the conversing was neat. really neat. i like it when truth is shared and all who encounter it are kind of taken back because well... i like it when god is god and that is clear. the conversation danced about that and settled once agian on simply that god is god. *during a different part of the work day-- a recent h.s. grad was sharing dreams that have seemingly been stored up for a long time. that experience was a needed reminder of being so very focused-- of being about what youre about and that period. times like those are ones that speak of faith rather than present situations.*** i am giving the loaner car back tomarrow. what a ride. you could hear harsh words flow from my questioning self throughout the process and sometimes still, yet god is lord over the vehicle situation if his actually is lord over me... so yeah.*** sage is singing something unrecognizable. (jade's younger sister whom has a stutter and lisp and is precious.) thursday... once agian-- and i sign off.

taste of completion

i like it. a lot. i finished. now i just must wait for others to complete a process that i hear, usually takes a fair amount of time. (i hope they get to bite into a hunk of completion soon. because that would be nice, for everyone involved.) two posts, in a day. i might say that is a bit overboard. hmm. nice story of being stranded on the side of the road though... no, let's talk more so about birthdays, because well, even if you don't live in america, i do. for this day, at least. so, it is a celebration is case you are wondering.

red, white, and blue all over the place

sort of. i ate my share of flag cookies from the grocery store. and i am wearing a red tank top-- let the festivities begin... jade was over for the weekend. he has this horn that he bought from a vender during the oshkosh excursion. so brave emma lit fireworks in it. jade would squel and run about uncontrolably, than inform us of his "gun powder" smelling horn, by shoving the dirty thing in our faces. oh-my-pretend-little-brother. i was able to share my insight with the kid; if you swallow the black watermelon seeds, they will truly start to grow within... i countered all of his supposed objections. "nutrients from the soil" 'we are living individuals whom eat. think about all of the nutrients that we consume on a daily basis. just think.' "oxygen" 'what do you think comes in when you open your mouth to speak, or eat, or laugh loudly?' "sunlight" 'same reponse jade. and that is why sometimes it take a long time for them to grow.' ((my dad buldged out his stomach, so this boy could see what may happen.)) "how come you don't have one jas" 'i don't swallow the black ones...' he than took a bunch of black seeds and swallowed them. i told him that i would meet him agian on july 3, 2006-- if indeed he hadn't exploded at that time (how many watermelons can grow in a ten year olds body before something serious happens?)... the rest of the night was followed with "tell me it isn't true"... 'you should probably just drink a lot of water and next time consider trusting me'*** i watched the 7-3 fireworks from the roof last night. there was a bat up there and only one firefly. my mom came up, the bat knocked her in the head. i am glad she didn't fall from the ridgepole-- like ann. mom walked it, i was impressed.*** james is coming back from brazil on saturday. robyn likes to remind me. it is good.*** no more blogishness for now. continue on, my friends.

in honor of thursday.

quotes of the day, according to the two little flip-things we have found in various places throughout the house, various days throughout the month. sometimes. and usually, one can be found on the kitchen table and the other in the office, quite respectively. 1) "Whatever games are played with us, we must play no games with ourselves, but deal in our privacy with the last and honest truth." Ralph Waldo Emerson. 2) "We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails." Someone Somewhere. *****i went on a long walk in the woods this evening with robyn. we found my big rock. we almost didn't. i used to go down there when i was little. 8, 9, 10- yeah, when the woods was slightly scary, but i ventured out despite the risk of bears... the rock. it is massive. well. so, i envision it to be much like the famous titanic iceberg. i envision it to be much beyond the fair-sized sitting rock. much beyond. i would take it with me to heaven if i could. really. *discussions amongst the swaying tall leafed ones. spiders webs to scream about. shadowed colors. a great leg work-out... i want to say it was refreshing. but that would be a lie. it was exhausting. it was exhausting in the best way ever though. thee best way. *****i was in awe. i sat in a dirt parking lot until 2am and witnessed the start and conclusion of a mighty storm. we twirled in the sprinkles. yes, danced in the rain. and set ourselves semi-comfortably in sarah's car with the sun roof available to peer upwards. our eyes hurt. the lightning was breathtaking. the wild winds that blew the hard rains across the parking lot, provide the illusion that the vehicle sat on top of the ocean. we wondered if the tornado might be right next to us. wow. i liked that a lot. and yes, chatting with sarah is a beautiful expeirence. i think i want to be like terry and be a storm watcher for real. terry even has a big sticker on the car to prove it-- and she notifies the weatherman when they are peering at the screens... she notifies them of what is really occurring. i just want the sticker. i want to take hers. she would know it was me. *****((simply a question for the gentleman and ladies alike. topic: dating. relationships. does the guy pursue? does the girl wait? does the girl pursue? does the guy wait? or do you think "this" ideology is screwed up? a wink is passed by one, and if a smirk is offered... than the race is on? or do you think this ideology is screwed up? one lays at the foot of the bed of another, and if the 'forced entry' is "excused"... than time in the bed together comes? or do you think this ideology is screwed up? anyways. that was a lot of questions. i want to know thoughts/ opinions/ ideas. if you have actually read this far- comment- because i want to know. and you don't even have to let your identity be known. emma? seriously. ok. enough with the desperate pleas. and i'll tell you what i think, believe, have found to be true. soonish.)) oh. and the car is back into totaled status. the insurance people can't make up their mind. it is kind of annoying. i hope this is their "final answer." meanwhile, the loaner has those moving seatbelts. those are so weird. the cities are calling to me. tomorrow eve. i am on the edge of ecstatic.

blue # 3. read on if you care to.

blue things.

blue number one. blue paint. i am making bubbles. blue bubbles. i have never been fond of scrap-booking. don't ask me to like it. i won't. i will try to be nice to you if you or your mom is into pre-cut pastel "artsy" designs. goodness, i will be nice already. just let me make my own design from bold colors and various shades... whatever. i ran into a girl from my graduating class at boyceville. we rode the same bus, and bonded over lisa frank and hard math problems. anyways, she is going to have baby shower shortly, but her grandma needed help with the invitations so, "hey, you enjoy paint and such..." needless to say, i was recruited. she totally sponge-painted these ducks on the fount... from cutting up a normal scrubbing sponge from wal-mart. i was impressed. of course i couldn't say 'no' to an independent, inventive project such as the one i just happened to run into. and this girl, is lovely. i missed her. i wondered about her. and i am now so glad i ran into her. yes, blue bubbles all over the place. that was the request, and i am trying my best to offer a good follow-through. they look good. you are invited. i don't exactly know when it is, but it will be for a connorsville new one. by the way, connorsville kids are totally going to take over the world. don't take "by the way's" lightly._____ blue number two. blue water. emma choose to be baptized sunday evening. it was a beautiful sight. as she spoke words of hope, her tears displayed how real god was/is in her life-- in changing her, and building her, and now in her display to live out her faith. "i am totally ready. 100%." i shuddered as i listened to the words that came tumbling out of her depth. i shudder because i know that great opposition often comes at the doors of those who throw out all but jesus in their lives. i shudder because i am so stinkin' proud of her, but now a new sense of responsibly has come upon me. i can not be lax in my prayers for my sister. i shudder because i remember clearly the soon after hours, the days, the months. i recall the newness and the attentiveness that had. so, yeah. the water was blue. and. a good friend's fiance opted to jump in at the last moment. that alone was worth the trip into town. holly told me afterwards that she and him had been discussing the biblical implications for a while, and to no one's prior notification he decided the hour could wait not one longer. so, holly helped and in her jeans, she was a soggy mess. but those messes are what it is all about. emma's surrender. nat's surrender. the water was blue.______ blue number three. blueness. amber is away. it hits me when i look at this picture. i was with her. we were with her. now we are not. now i am not. so the picture is of amber heading home again to boston.(LtoR) emma has a studded belt. it is harmless though. unless, you dry it in the dryer and throw it at someone. painful? probably. amber has a great knee wrinkle on her right side. if i had a camera and was looking at this image, i would zoom in right there. and yes, you would see it on a billboard advertisement. for real. but alas, i was not standing where my mother was. and hi. that one is me. if i would have know you would be looking at this i might have opened my eyes. apparently, my count was off. hm. it appears big duffel has his tags still on from her arrival. i don't know. that is the way it appears though... and mr. toolbox. my dad is sorting through his massive collection of tools and is preparing his girls for flat-tires and such. nice man. amber's was even equipped with a needle-nose pliers. i checked. ---and hear is some blueness sent to wi. from mass. via phone line. amber's pitbull, drummer, and another pitbull were in a fight. might i mention right here, that drummer was and is a great dog. great, meaning yes, i hung out with him-- and i like him. he is a dog and i like him a lot. amber was at work and i am not going to share the whole tale, right here this instance because i should get back to those bubbles-- but he had to have surgery and now amber is having to make some pretty big decisions.____i think i will be done with the blue thing now. done.

Perhaps another greeting to Mr. H.

good morning

• a strawberry-banana-nectarine smoothie was made by the blender and now it is being consumed. wow. essentially, it is the 'taste of summer.'
• emma is in montana, and my parents went on another weekend excursion. they're plans were, madeleine island. i want to be traveling. i want to be off somewhere living out of my suitcase. that's ok. it will come... right now i have two dollars in the pocket of yesterday's jeans, and my vehicle's tank is on empty. i really hope they have fun. really. i have to sort some more stuff today, a project that i started but have yet to finish. tonight, when i crawl into bed it will be good to finally have it done. That's my goal. it will happen.
• final negotiations bring the car that i hit the deer with into not totaled status. they are going to work hard and fix it this next week though. i pay 250ish and get it back into the condition of when i first got it, minus the mileage. That's a good deal. and i am convinced that insurance is a good thing.
• Current. minnesota's public radio station plays incredible music. i like it a lot. in fact all of the radios throughout the house are now tuned into 89.3 fm. and they provide good independent news. what could be better than that?
• it looks like i may be going back into full time cna work. i am ok with it. i called some places yesterday and will be filling out applications on monday. nothing else had surfaced and the leads that i have made in the direction of the y/ss degree have hired someone with more schooling or with more experience. if i am able to work a 6-2 shift than i could perhaps volunteer for the runaway help lines or do something in which my core weeps about... relationships at the shop are amazing. i do not regret my time there, the people i have met, or the lessons that have piled into my lap. if you are coming to western wisconsin in hopes to land a great job and save some green, best wishes-- but perhaps you may want to seek employment elsewhere.
• within this last week i have both seen the goodness of god and felt it was striped. i walked into a depressive hole and did not see it coming. i believed lies. but, whatever. it doesn't matter. because i am seemingly experiencing the highs and lows of life, does not mean that there is not any stability in who i am. there is solid rock stability because i serve a faithful one. so yeah, the winds are blowing. but i cried out in all seriousness for the opportunity and privledge to see the lord for who he truly is. and allowing the "winds to blow" is part of that. if everything was still, i would not know the stability of my friend, the creator and savior. that is this week for ya.
• how are you? for real.

217: a did you know.

today, i decided to trust this guy at work. we were putting out freight. having a simple conversation about canned food products. pudding in a can. vegtables in a can. soup in a can. "soup" must have triggered campbell's. for he proceeded to share his insightful knowledge. "there are 217 noodles in a can of campbell's chicken noodle." i stared in disbelief. he went on to state that his source was reliable (some fancy learning program, from some fancy network station). so. i am going to trust him. 217. that sounds ok to me. well, at least i am not going to count today... besides, i don't think the cupboard is concealing any campbell's. so, did you know that? __ bethany is my friend. check her little notes out. let your eyes scan to the right of the screen... bjb. and, if you are reading this i'll bet you are my friend as well (er, i hope so). if you would like, i can add your initials which would in essence be a linkage to a public space of your own on thing crazy www. if you would like. let me know.___ bensonwells is singing to me. that is the name of my cousin's band. i enjoy the music, but i am bias. i think i would still enjoy the music if i was being completely objective. yes. i would. use a search engine of your choosing, they are out there. i can already envision sharp designs protraying images that benifit R.Paul, D.Lee, G.Lemon, I.Kremer. i can envision vip passes for shows in large forgein cities. yeah. check them out.

tomato guts oozing

...snap. ooze. tastebuds somewhat approve. the little tiny tomatoes that you are able to fit into your mouth using only a small buldge of your cheek pocket. i usually like them. this evening i do.__ new topic. the car. i walked in the front door this evening, after pausing by the vehicle to see if the Yuck smeared upon the window was washed off from the rain. (yes, i drove around throughout the weekend with it on. my dad thought it would be worthwhile evidence and that the insurance people should see it. i agreed. though it reminded me of the death act i was involved in.) it was. washed off. inside the house, i trotted about asking about the days that my parents were a part of, and ingaged in a bit of usual greeting chatter. than with solom-ness spread over my very self, i approach the question i was waiting for an answer to since 12:39 saturday morning about. "what next?" (with the vehicle as the underlined subject to which the question stems from.) dad went on to state matter-of-factly that the car was totaled. i denied it, as i reminded him that i drove it home that night. now, i understand a bit about cars. a bit. not a lot. a bit. so really i was just playing dumb because if i would have truly paused to scope out the damage and the figured body-shop costs... i would have put it together the way the body shop people and the insurance agent and my father put it together-- i just did not have time to calculate yet. yeah. i asked dad if this was a good thing. totaled. "yes, jas-- and i will tell you why." and he did. i could smile after that. until i asked him if he thought the deer was really actually dead. "yes." than i did not smile for a bit. you probably don't care whether i killed a four legged prancing beast at all (i am not refering to avery this time). BUT the next time your eyes are drawn and fixated upon the rotting flesh on the side of the road-- you might care then. i am just saying you might care, because the image and stench is hard to erase for at least several long minutes. thats all. im just saying. don't cry for me. don't cry about the chunks of fur. whatever. don't cry.__ whatelse? i stopped in a camp last week and two of my campers from 6 years ago now came running up and hollering my name. it was really good. neat, to be reminded about the impact of an individual. it was wonderful to reconnect with these former jr.high loudies, whom are now beautiful ladies yearning to know moreso who god is.__ speaking of impact... i was looking through yearbooks last night. yearbooks from high school and from college. i thought about people as i recalled conversations about dreams and life and current situations with those persons. i prayed. i laughed. i wondered. and i thought about the imapct that they had upon my life. it was something that i hope to never pack to far away in my brain-- i want to always be thankful for the sharing of someones life with my own. good and crazy, crazy good. *bedtime. therefore, i will scamper. right now. night all. i hope the dreams aren't too scary with the roadkill talk.

***

my mind wandered in and out of the following thoughts: the supposed bbq that i was coming from wasn't really a bbq at all for me because i got there late and we sat around and laughed and played poker__ awkward moments throughout the evening that were truely worth it when new interactions between individuals were made__ the lyrics of the green day song that i really like showed up on the radio and it brought along its music__ the rodeo people who were camping in glenwood- i hoped their bodies weren't too sore. HELLO SALLY. the deer ran out, and yes, i smucked it. let me calmly notify you... "I am alive." i was involved in the proper driving techniques for a winding country road, when the moon is up and the sun is not. but yeah. the car's clock said 11:37, but it was really 12:39. i had to make speacial note in case i was to make some offical record of this event. the rest to the evening i wrestled with the idea of being a killer. it was ridiculous but i seriously kept replaying the run-in and i asked my dad if we could go out and shoot him because if he wasn't dead, i was sure he was wishing that he was. no, we did not go out with a gun. yes, i let my dad stay in bed. no, the car isn't crushed. yes, it has a bit of a dent and there is fur and grossness stuck and smeared on places i wish is was not. the end. so, it is sunny out. i was out ealier mowing and playing. i am going to feast upon musk mellow and left-over grad. cake and watch some movie that mom recommended. it is saturday. live it up already!

sarah christine

this is my beautiful friend who died in july of 2003. today i will write a little ditty that concerns her. wednesday, june 15th was her birthday. last year i wasn't home on her birthday so i didn't really hit me... ok. um. honestly, my thoughts concern my friend, and stem from various expeirences that i have had with her and her family, but it is more so the way God turned my focus. does this make sense?___ there is a time to grieve, but there is a time to move on as well. i have been sucking my thumb and crawling up to God's lap since the hour i heard- which is totally fine and approriate at times. however, it was very clear to me, just two days ago, that it was time for me to remove the thumb from my mouth. my thoughts had driffed to death topics-- and they will again. but the focus now must be upon the breath that is being inhaled and exhaled. i won't forget her. i can't. but life. abundant life. is calling. i must respond. *have a really good one. i am applying for yet another job. ha. and... i think i will wear my madi-gras mask around the house today. or maybe in the car when i go to water those darn plants. im not sure. i will wear it though. the colorful feathers want to showcase my eyes. whatever. i shouldn't speak for the mask. enough.

monday, monday.

im listening to m.ward, and it is wonderful. i also have a fresh piece of gauze in the place of my recently extracted wisdom tooth. in fact, if i begin sharing nonsense-- it is because of huge pink pills i was recommended from the man who's profession i will never envy. never ever.__ a lot has happened within the number of hours that i was not logged into this page... i think the best way to go about explaining may be the following. i hope it is the following. and you have already received the disclaimer that i could fade at any time so... read on if you wish. it will be random. * the interview went well. it is a live-in caregiver position for the weekends... they want me, but at present they don't have clients. weird. shady. so, no i do not have another job yet. but i will if they call. *emma's party was on saturday. tornados touched down in several towns right around. (wiped out 22 houses.) locations nearby had thunderstorms and sheets of downpour. it was sunny at our home. light breeze-- seemingly perfect for a large gathering. my face sort of hurt from passing out grins-- but they were genuine so the endorphins kept me going... it was nice to catch up with so many. it was nice to love on people, and let them love on me. it was a dessert buffet, so we have left over sugary morsels and heaps of fruit. lovely. *amber and i went out that night. we went to a show and had a couple drinks. drinking slowly is a smart thing if you are consuming on an empty stomach. i wasn't smart. we were leaving because the music wasn't pleasing in our opinions, but what i was currently holding tasted so good. too good to just set down when we were planning to scamper. yeah, dumb. i was dumb. and yes, i quickly realized. the night went on, i ran into fun people i knew- and now know agian. that was nice. it was nice to hang out with my sister. and be real with her. real, that i love jesus. real, that i sometimes enjoy heavy, crazy, mad music. real, that i like a 'white russian' when it is mixed right. *sunday morning. i went to the young adults sunday school. it is good. honestly, i am really happy that initiative is being taken among my peers. that excites me. *for a while now... God has been breaking me down. he has been taking me through crappy pride issues- and frankly, i know he is not done yet. he has been sorting out some assumptions that i have made about christian living. he has been reestablishing truth into the core and center and priority of what i am about and what i seek. i am seeing more clearly these days that the screaming that i have been about has been in vain. perhaps, not it its entirety simply because it has lead me to where i stand this hour. i have been screaming. passionate words about the injustice of fellow persons made in the likeness and beauty of his very self. i have been screaming to myself. i have been screaming to the trees. to the pillow. i weep uncontrollable when i peer at the intriuqte detail of a shiny beetle. yet, i speak harshly about the ways of the western pew-dweller. i plead that i will shine brightly, but rarely do i put forth effort that is life and death dependent. jesus christ was sent by god in order that the world may be set free from the cords of sin, that entangling so darn easily. FREEDOM TO DANCE INTIMATELY WITH THEIR HOLY CREATOR. not, simply so jasmine may have this nice conclusion as to the way the world works. no. yes, i am invited into the holy of holies so i too may see and know this God, this creator, this lover, this saver. it is so much more than, about my plans for the day or week, or year. it is about more than, what guy i am attracted to. more than, my successes- more than my failures. more than, screaming just to scream. so, through all of this-- God has not changed. he is just still in the buisness of changing the hearts and minds of persons who turn to him and allow the smidgen of faith they are able to muster up and ask that he again simply be God. i have been offering my smidgen of faith. and he is still good and he is still God. *i watched "bring it on" with emma today. i kind of wanted to be a cheerleader. i kind still do. *amber is in the air. yup, right now. flying to her home. *a major community leader in boyceville died when a vehicle hit him while he was on his bike. he has a couple kids. his wife is the elementary principal. this family is hurting. this community is hurting. ...things change- just like that... *i watered the plants at one of the house-sitting homes today. jolene, too bad you can't see me now. i am growing up. it has been a long time since the cheeto foliage... oh, gosh-- and i changed my oil. well. my dad has showed me how about 4 times now, i still don't get it- so i took it to a place where the guys with grease deep under their nails are friendly. they changed it. but i got a sticker in my window and it makes me happy. so now are you due for an oil change, or... have you checked your oil level lately? i hear it is a good thing to be at least somewhat conscious of. bye. continue on, ok?