eIGHty-sEcoND attempt.............. turning out onion skins

now no one else can read this?

2008-07-28T16:10:00.000-05:00

i am not sure i buy that. weird.

my hefty rollerskate beast

2008-07-25T02:04:00.002-05:00

it is my car. bumper stickered up; several years ago. he makes it to Estes Park with the windows rolled down and the heat cranked up and the music off i hear him gasping for some sort of enduring breath he can make it to Echo Lake the same precautions are made around the winding incline churning i speak words of encouragement shouting you can do it so i may visit the mountian goats after i hike past the picnicing grandparents but he won't make it to breckinridge and though i am game for hitchhiking with mates my high heels tell me i should not make a go of it this time so i offered my rejection with with slight personal disappointment as i acknowledged that i do not own a mountain vehical i owned a gift with racing stripes i owned a toy that i rarely paralall park i owned a not-a-gas-guzzler and i owned a little guy i could traverse the foothills, if i do it carefully no camping in breck this time around maybe tubbing in nebraska though

grad school

2008-07-25T02:01:00.002-05:00

school counseling. i'd like to stay in CO. not totally smitten to Greeley. but they have a fabulous program. so does a bunch of places out of the state. oh, career. ode to thee. or... ode to the Great Lord... and you are just a means to love and serve and obey. we shall see.

asleep on that rock

2008-07-25T01:51:00.002-05:00

i missed the coffee date this morning because i fell asleep on the rock. sorry jess. i didn't think that i would fall asleep whatsoever. i had both feet dangling away and immersed in the icey, rushing mountian river water. but i woke with a start and almost fell in. that may have hurt. i am glad i didn't fall in. so i saw her for a minute and then we both had to depart. sheesh. funny. sad. i stayed awake for the mandatory work meetings... Suicide Prevention was on Tuesday and GLBT was on Wednesday. Tomorrow is a client's graduation; so I will stay awake for that, I bet. Well, Thursdays I sleep on the rock. goodness. ((personal time/ people time/ work time-- i think something may be calling for a bit of a more balanced system.))

which first.

2008-07-08T21:50:00.002-05:00

i need a new drivers license. and a new check card. and new checks. i lost my offical birth certificate. the people won't let me use the one with the inked baby feet and the fancy seal from the hospital. i found my social security card. my passport was never lost. oh, and new tags for my car. and an emissions check. i would like a horse right about now. i am not complaining. and i have the line up for completion mostly figured out. except i hope nothing gets lost in the mail. apparently, if the new sticker/ tag placement on the mountain plates is not done by the last day of the month, i may be facing a year of imprisonment. if that happens, send me mail... with stickers... they will brighten my day. if jail time doesn't happen, which it probably won't because i plan on sending for tags just as soon as i pose for a DL photo which will be straight away after the birth certificate is received... but if that doesn't happen... and i get the sticker for my plates... you could still consider mail... and you could still consider sending other stickers... i'll share. the scratch and sniff, the fuzzy ones, the delightfully sparkly. i'm just saying. oh, and yes. the awesome velcro lady sense pouch is gone too. probably with some of the formerly listed. send stickers! i'm doing the supposed necessary. (i really did enjoy 'call of the wild' perhaps, it is time for my identification to be no longer?) done. out. getting the tags and a proper mug shot. -j

snake, summer dresses, Homer Geezer

2008-07-01T16:42:00.002-05:00

went running on this fabulous trail within some open spaces in wheat ridge. it as along the river. i raced the currents for a bit. and than i allowed them to pass me up. i am not super apathetic. competion just doesn't stick for a long time with me. years of starting track but quiting just to run for long hours with the forgien exchange students from germany and france, oh flashbacks. so, i allowed the river to win. than i went through many moments where i wished that i was culturally acceptable for women to not wear shirts-- i instead left may upper body wear clinging to my flesh, sweat soaked... enough said. i almost stepped on a snake. i wish i had something to capture it with... and i was thankful it was not a coilied python. but i disturbed it's basking in the july desert sun, warmed by the river water. oh, little snake. i hope that the eight year boys find you. that would be fun for them. i hope it might be not too nerveracking for you. ______________________________________________________ every lady, women, and small little girl best be wearing summer dresses. yes. i am serious. it is no harm to your health. paint your toenails, and put on a hot summer dress already. we will do brunch or tea and cupcakes or whisky shots soon. i promise. i'm thinking dazzle for the brunch bit. game? dress... happy july you. _____________________________________________________ Homer Geezer. 90+ gentleman. Satire-ish. Ridiculous. Religious calling out. ((a character Mike used to play on YES FM radio. www.myspace.com/michealsares oh my. ____________________________________________________ it is hot in dnver. the last couple of days have been way humid. humidity, among other hings, remind my of home and wisconsin and fabulous people there. honestly, i miss home. they are dear folks. home is here. home is denver, for now. i am just getting to the relazation of that. and dealing with the emotional and pyscologial implications. ...i have a bed now. i want to buy a turtle. in fact maybe emerald is waiting at the pet store now? hmmm. these and stable things that are good but they drive me crazy. i would be nie to be in dublin or appleton tomorrow. but, here i must be. right now if it is just to hop over snakes and wear summer dress and to laugh about Homer's take on scary christianity; i will be here. i wonder if this will pass-- i wonder wheni can travel again, besdie the jaunt to the cottage in september... i wonder if i will mov. i don't want to have a house with a fence and 3 kids and mt. vehicle that never leave the city. i don't want to get so comfortable with starbucks that i never introduce myself to that new coffee offering shop. i want to see god moreso. and i don't want myeyes to get dull with the longing for career and money and family and even adventure. fuck. once agian. i am on a roll. ______ enough. i think i am going to see if emerald the turtle is waiting at the pet shop. that aquarium over there wants him to take up residency. drat. must make sure he can at least climb the foothill with me. maybe some 14ers. ill leave him home for other ventures. ________ goodbye. wear sundress ladies. enjoy being shirtlss men. hello, hello july.

facebook entries

2008-06-27T03:35:00.001-05:00

(identity, etc.) recently some stuff has happen. recently i've maybe began to learn some things, due to this stuff that has happened. *no more DL: lost/ stolen *no more card: lost/ stolen *broken phone so. i'll plan on getting it all taken care of next week. it is not a big deal BUT it did make me think about: identity, and money, and people... and i don't think that was a coincidence. oh. and i think i am sometimes a bit of a narcissistic beast. that's gross. new days, new hours, new moments, new mercies come. hello summer solsticeShare Saturday, June 21, 2008 at 1:27am | Edit Note | Delete after the cook grabbed my hand to model his way after driving on fumes after hearing that they stopped searching for the body after listening to her heart question after another's death was declared after a housemate talk on the magic bed after no conclusions were actually determined after dreams so real while sleeping after a sporadic water flow in the shower and lemongrass shampoo after a big tea shipment for another was dropped off after the arrival of a traveler after true communication occurred after participants came after fashion shows continued after bags were resealed after making potatoes, french doughnuts & spinach salads with the deadicated after more stopped by after i tried on the pants after children's chapter books were discussed after nancy drew was rented after saturday's plans were finalized after touching foreheads with my lips X! after leaving the house i drove away from the day and... i thought about small talk and death and community and love and the fit of pants and extreme poverty i haven't expeirenced. i thought about the movie and the dancing and the idea of a man... i thought about what i was missing. i thought about being content. i thought about giving in to the wind of the spirit, whatever the hell that ACTUALLY means. i thought about man's confindence verses man's confidence in god, and i felt very tiny. i thought about the oppurtunities with these crazy, lovely kids- really. i thought about this day... and i kissed spring farewell. now i have a wicked headache, and i am laughing. welcome to summer. rough soles, painted toes, popsicles. game? Add a comment | 2 commentsi have been hearing about this man for several years.Share Friday, June 20, 2008 at 6:15am | Edit Note | Delete consider a minute to stop. and pray. still, and again. god is good, and big, and mighty. *i was thinking the acheing was due to the pain bethany felt (a close, close friend from WI), and it is. but once again, we, christian people are family. suddenly, i hurt for him and his connections i have never met. this family business we are in may include hurting together... perhaps? xxx.-j Please read this note about my dear & close friend Jeremy. I met him when I was in Australia and he was one of my best friends at the base. It aches my heart to think of the worst in this situation. He's one of the coolest guys I know, with a gigantic heart, and the best sense of humor around. If you could take a moment to pray for his family & friends, I would more than greatly appreciate it. Much love to all of you.. Bethany. Dear friends & family, As you may or may not be aware on Monday 16th June 2008 we as YWAM Australia experienced a terrible tragedy. Two of our YWAM Newcastle staff were sightseeing along the coastline on their day off. As they walked along the rocks at about one o’clock in the afternoon a freak wave washed them off the rocks and into the heavy seas that had been pounding the coast for several days. Witnesses to the incident managed to throw a floatation device to Jesse Lee who managed to stay afloat for about an hour in the rough seas until he was winched to safety by a rescue helicopter as the water was too dangerous to enter by any other means. The other young staff member Jeremy Earnshaw was not seen after being washed into the water and has not been sighted since. It’s now been almost 3 days since the incident occurred and despite extensive search and rescue efforts by several different local authorities, Jeremy still remains missing. We are still believing for a miracle. Please continue to join us in praying that he would be found. We have been in constant contact with Jeremy’s family since they were notified soon after the incident on Monday. They are a wonderful faith filled family who love God and have been incredibly gracious throughout all our conversations. Jesse Lee, after being rescued, was admitted to hospital and treated for hypothermia before being released later in the evening. Jesse is doing well with no lasting injuries and is grateful to be in the loving embrace of his YWAM family here. The search for Jeremy continues with police boats, jet ski’s and divers being deployed as soon as the ocean conditions improve enough for it to be safe for them to enter the water. We here in Newcastle have been so blessed to know God’s amazing love for us as he ministers to us both spiritually and physically during this time. Thank you so much for your warm embrace and support. Your prayers have been and are greatly appreciated. Dave Stephenson, Base Director of YWAM newcastle. Add a commentlisteningShare Sunday, June 8, 2008 at 3:20pm | Edit Note | Delete to the evidence of the wind seeing the lush green dance haphazardly to the lawnmower smelling the pain of the grass to that one bird calling to that one other bird deeming a reply will approriatly be offered to the typing upon the keyboard feeling the hard plastic change levels to the vehicle's engine and his tires meeting the pavement hoping the travelers arrive at the proposed destination to the phone's noisey vibration against the blue painted wood waiting to respond to the caller to the jet's bellow streaking across the sky wishing of another location to the infant's cry next door remembering the warmth of an embrace to the door slamming, below and over somewhere offering a welcoming greeting at some point to my breathing knowing it is consistent these hours to the voice i didn't conjure up sensing that nowadays are being cared for too Add a comment | 1 comment4 MINUTES: it's about a building-- addressed to all body parts...Share Friday, June 6, 2008 at 1:34am | Edit Note | Delete Hello to the toes and elbows, greetings to the fingernails and shins… I conversed with a one of those ‘10+ years friends’ this evening. Our relationship has solidified into one that begs the depths of vulnerability and accountability when our voices join together. Nearly 1/2 of the interaction had us discussing various philosophies while noting Christian apologetics… the mysteries of the Godhead, the steady characteristics by which we are rooted to, the organism known as the Church—(also known as the toes, elbows, fingernails, shins, and etc.), the daily news, the weather, the petty situations… the massive situations. We talked about keeping the big deal, the BIG DEAL. We talked about big deals that were big deals, but weren’t the BIG DEAL. We hoped together that God would continue to focus our wandering selves, so we might know. On that note, I will write. Scum of the Earth is a church building. Merely a building. Well… It is a group of persons that has been in transitional buildings since it’s founding in 2000. I began attending in December 2005 when I moved to Denver. Scum of the Earth, the people, has found a building. Yes, merely a building. Yet, this one would not be a transitional hub for maybe a year or two. This, mere building would be a fixed home… You are right. It is still a building. Not forever. Made of brick and mortar like some of the others. You are right. It is still a building. The Church is not meant to be locked within the walls of four. You are right. It is still a building. People, you are right… Even so, I can not bottle the thrill that has overwhelmed. A list was made by leadership eight years ago. The details of this building match it. Financially the cost has been lowered significantly, and now the offer of $625K was accepted. There are more convincing facts… I could exhaust you. But, perhaps that would be a form of manipulation… Let’s just say. It is good. It is appropriate. I am a skeptic, and I am now found with peace alone. **I too, am for the Church being more than a mere building. But I wonder, if the mere buildings too can offer their brick and mortar to be instrumental to the Church and the Church’s Lord? This is the theological discussion; I will throw myself into silently for now. Church (toes, elbows, fingernails, shins, etc.), Please consider prayer. Please consider financial donations. Please consider further inquiry. www.scumoftheearth.net (there is a fabulous letter detailing more so the building, and various opportunities you may be interested in, as well as pictures on this site.) Checks: Scum of the Earth P.O. Box 101808 Denver, CO 80205 Made to Scum of the Earth, memo line ‘building’ Pastor Mike Sares Tim Dunbar, Administrative Pastor Tim’s contact: 720-810-0575 scumtim@mac.com Oh… yeah… This happened quick. The cash is needed by June 27th. Blessings to you ALL regardless. Thanks for your time. Yes, and how’s ya? Love from a kneecap, -j And when do you want to visit the mountains? Jasmine Kersting 9 Bannock St. Denver, CO 80223 jmkersting@gmail.com 303-548-6274 Add a comment | 2 commentstitlesShare Wednesday, June 4, 2008 at 4:35am | Edit Note | Delete facebook calls us friends i don't call you or maybe i do or maybe i did on the telephone or maybe the seas seperate us or the states or the streets but we know our paths crossed once your photo is in that one yearbook... or... photoshopped into my mind forever our laughter mingled and was comfortably intertwined while the now muted sceene was still brilliant and fresh we talked about current days now we reminisise on the glorious was many brothers many sisters our idenity seems to state stranger friends, we are family when time is stripped when urgency holds a differant definiation we will sit we will reminance we will talk about now and we will laugh again and i will attempt to recall that inital photoshopped imagery i have tucked away in my mind of one of the first times we were together. be loved. be blessed. and be relentless in this seeking truth bit. yes, at all costs. i dare you dear family, as you... have dared me.Add a comment | 4 commentsmagical intervalsShare Thursday, May 29, 2008 at 1:28am | Edit Note | Delete close your eyes for ten minutes then you can read for a bit or watch M.A.S.H. with us close your eyes and allow your body to slow i fought it wiggling. giggling. with my lids plastered shut close your eyes? while the theme music caused my limbs to tap? while the climax of the chapter book's story i was inticed with? close your eyes and wonder about tomorrow close your eyes and laugh about the moments spent close your eyes, close them tight and feel the blanket wrapped about no more shadow drawings on the ceiling no more questions of the hours past close your eyes and know the beckoning forth of the dream chambers. plunging the depths of longings. a place for the brave alone. thrill and adventure. peace and quiet. great war and great love. beyond imagination... most always. so close your eyes. be quiet. if you are still awake, you may read... you may hear more then the theme music... you may get involved with an awake story again. ten minutes. i will look at the clock. *i was in elementary school. mom's way. dad's way. passed it on to a 16 year old tonight. she laughed. i laughed. magical intervals. sheesh. oh, but she is sleeping and has been for a bit. i was able to catch some M.A.S.H. episodes and eat mint bon bon ice cream with my parents every once in a while... Add a comment | 1 commentscreaming birdsShare Wednesday, May 28, 2008 at 5:47am | Edit Note | Delete it is morning time. i was having a rather serene time as i wrapped up my work duties and sat here with tea and a magazine to conclude my hours at the center. it was serene until i heard the perched beasts... anything but timid, i began to see the colorful sky traces in a different way all together. unashamed. not afraid. loud. grating. harmonious. screaching. damn musical winged creatures. beckoning the slumbering still to wake. to dance. to move. to sing. to holler. to get out of bed and take a shower maybe. to do ANYTHING but ignore their existence. at dawn's break, the birds scream. it is beautful, and annoying, and sort of stalkerish how relentless they are, wouldn't you say? tomorrow morning: i may throw things at them. or i may join them. morning all. Add a commentmisplaced birth certificateShare Saturday, April 26, 2008 at 1:55am | Edit Note | Delete i drink profanity soup in my sleep. i read humanities' potential and i cringe. i bark commands while i stand ashamed. i sit behind a veil of illusioned ignorance. i am a transformed transformer and most of the time i hate it, but i wear a smile and offer the 'placebo' to those pained. i am ripped open. i listen for more rumors of the character that breaks knees. i hear insanity beackon. fuck. i yearn for my flesh to hit the gravel. i yearn for riddance of my personal prescribed pleasures. i laugh... i wonder why exsitance declares the realities of these todays now. i see the flesh coated dancing digits, i feel the lax posture- hope is an uninvited steamroller that plauges the imagination with possibities. i yawn. i get up. Add a comment | 2 commentslearningShare Friday, April 11, 2008 at 2:10am | Edit Note | Delete my cough is dispersing. i woke up half the girls at the treatment center house last night. "jas, you're sick. why are you here?" i gently argued that i was getting better, while interrupting my own statements with hacking. i am getting better. better; healthwise or better at convincing myself of something that is not actual. sometimes, i guess, i think i'm god. or something. i suppose this is my current reasoning for ...not admitting that i too, can get sick ...justifying my body's lack of sleeping hours ...thinking that "i" was capable of saving her shift change: assult. arrest. jail. hours later, coughing totally subsided: i find myself thinking about today. *i received a note from Dad, who just returned to Oshkosh from D.C. *coughing. *i spoke on the phone with Mom as she told of visiting the beloved ocean off the coast of Maine, and the crazy upcoming journey to wal-mart in which she would be assisting grammie and grandpa. i told of the snow falling on my face as i walked to meet up with caroline. *caroline and i laughed about the wide array of chocolates the fancy isle in k-mart had to offer, and how we didn't need it- but how the cravings yearned for approval. *some coughing, some hacking. *the pillow. and the blankets. the dreams. the hot water in the shower. the dry towel. *the amazing food in the cupboards. *the tales that awaited thoughout the house. traci's encounter of further direction. lauren's massive heart for people. meghan's daily adventures and then some. *sarah and i cuddled up to chat about nowadays and watch a girly movie. i burnt the popcorn, we settled on tea. *hack. hack. cough. cough. sputter. hack. *anna revealed her lovely self and i blew kisses and ran out to head to work. (i don't think i did blow kisses, but now that i am writing this ditty, i wish i did.) *i received shift change and the raw story of a coworker and friend. this messy, hard, wrecked, ruined, beautiful, good gift of life... hmm. so, in conclusion, i am not god. i get sick. i need sleep. i don't save people. good lesson. out. -j

build a bed, maybe THIS for now

2008-03-28T01:02:00.002-05:00

"Its as strong as a regular bed, environmentally-friendly and great for people who move frequently. And you instantly have 10 boxes worth of storage space under your bed!"- some guy

ok, i'll eat.

2008-03-27T09:13:00.002-05:00

i have come to realize that i need to set up a eating schedule for these overnights. maybe we will try this: A LOT of healthful snacks. yogurt, nuts, dried fruit, cheese curds, crackers, vegtables, jerky... i typically eat this stuff already, but maybe i need to atempt bagging up some and bringing it to work. usually, i bring a meal but one, two, or three rolls around on the clock and i am not hungry at all, then i get more sleepy. i think i will try this ditty very soon. ask me, how goes it.

angry easter

2008-03-25T14:09:00.002-05:00

happy easter. i said it. i plastered on a smile, and uttered the words several times throughout the day. initaiating the traditional saying for most of the encounters... while participating in the weekend communication with my parents, a highlighted bit of the conversation centered about the 'holiday' and forced realizations, awakening anew. between the easter falling on varying sunday dates each year, and the fertility gods being summoned, i felt myself unable to offer lulls in the conversation. i am a fan of chocolate bunnies and cadbury eggs just as much as that child with ---- finish later.

they are sleeping now

2008-02-20T02:18:00.000-06:00

kombucha. even the fermented mushroom tea drink traci gave me isn't seeming to energize at present. it is good though, try some.oh people. i love them. relationships demand involvment and that at times, can be exhausting, and oh so enlightening and energizing at others. interesting indeed.people interaction today:work team: 3 hr mtg 1 male/ 15 females.matter of fact phone calls to dear friends due to the buisness state mindset i was in.receiving voicemails from individuals i probably should have called back straight away.reconnecting with wisconsin friends via reply notes and phone calls.reconnecting with minnesota kids the same way.you guessed it, the same with the denver folks.hearing a family member's heart ache and beat for a moment before it was time again to hope for connection another day.building new bonds with semi new treasured ones.missed calls.text messages to offer an in on the loop.allowing vulnrability to meet on the couch alongside of the roommates on several occasions.then i had a loaded shift change offered as pivitol information.and the moon was bright and the people went to bed.and i think about them now. all of the exchanges of hope and stillness, the disclosure of life, simply communicating due to some sort of trust level. i wonder what interactions may occur tomorrow.i basically heard somewhere that people are pretty darn important... so, perhaps, it is rather important to be exhausted from the involvment at times-- be exhausted and be energized both-- but regardless, do be involved.so maybe it is that i am attempting this involvment within community (of mankind) moreso, or if it has to do with my first night back on- and yet again, it was seemingly approriate to wave fare thee to the sun for several days... i eat another chocolate kiss sent from wisconsin and i will drink another bit of kombucha while deciphering the actualities.

long awaited closure

2008-02-14T01:29:00.002-06:00

eight months ago. i had this dear friend. things got mucky. he wanted something. i did not. i wanted something. he did not. we parted without discussion. no more lengthy hugs. no more deep gazes. no more anything. severed ties. it was appropriate. but it hurt. i wondered about his life. i asked the mutual crowd and i was silenced. days went by. i learned to pretend i was letting go. i learned to control my expression when his name was brought up- for the most part. i miss him. a lot. tears came. i would let go. only to take back. my tears dried. i still would wonder, but the acheing was not alongside. three days ago. i saw him. i stood next to him, hands shoved in my jacket pockets. my body tense but still. my mind caught in a "what is going on" mode. he asked how i was. my left jacket pocket ripped. "good. you?" "good. still at the same place?" "still there. are you still living and working at the same locations?" "yeah. are you doing ok?" "i am. are you doing alright?" "yeah. it's good to see you jas." "thanks. this is weird. i am going to go now." "ok." "ok. bye." "bye." i left with my ripped pocket, shocked state of surrealism. i left and i knew he was ok. and i was ok. and it was such a goodbye. i love him, regardless. but the closure was timely. i wonder whats next.

vainity, plastic bags, and humility

2008-02-14T01:00:00.003-06:00

usuually i don't care what-so-ever about appearences. for a long time this statement included my own appearance. i went through a season soon following the college expeirence where i relized the drastic measures i went to "seemingly" not care were a bit out of line, if indeed i was selfless. new awakening. i am selfish. surprise. i am of the thrift shop shopping- rather not be seen in a mall- hope to not seem too materialistic breed. i have these pants that make my ass look hot. i mean it is hot. and i have this shirt that fits oh so good. so, i was wearing the 'outfit'. home depot. orange paint. it's was a movie sceence. i should have been on a comercial. i said "no" to the bag that was offered. because i am also of the breed that is saving the world one bag at a time. (good word janny.) and i reach for the keys and the paint fell. orange. splatter. not just a little. knees down. art project. fabulous comercial. ... i scrubbed the pants. some of the blue denim lightened due to my determination. they are pants. they lady gave me a stack of plastic bags. so much for saving the world that way.

i wonder if the head pain is an approaching flu.

2008-01-30T02:22:00.000-06:00

the girls are asleep. i have a raging headache. im in the office with the chocolate pudding bowl, my passport, and the fair trade email list. i still have a headache. i find myself in a position of both excitment and dread. i am weighing heavily the desicions that i am plunging myself into and though perhaps, i say i am thrilled, and i get wild streaks of adventure in my eyes- i would rather not do the hard work what so ever, i would rather not be deadicated or commited or disciplined. i want to twirll in skirts again and feel just that free when involving myself with the hour of everydays. whatever. so i will twirl and be free and work hard to be exhausted at the close of the day, whatever hour that may be. p.s. i couldn't get a comment on your page lucas. im not one to fret out. im only one to be a massive skeptic until an day comes when i can not longer deny. that day has already been. continue on fellow warrior. i mean it. sparkle, shine. ____ still determining the gladiator. any opinions i should possibilty consider? take care. all.

picking the gladiator

2008-01-10T07:22:00.000-06:00

might it be in the hair length? or the color of spandex that clings so tightly? gladiator nights beginning this next monday. 7:00 @ the pour house. thats the word on the street. and this word is true. ...no ive just got to choose my pick.

i don't flirt well at 6 in the morning;

2007-12-28T00:26:00.000-06:00

therefore, men, please don't try to hit on me then. and don't attempt a pick-up when my snowboot wearing, cozy hat adorned self is carrying the carton cage-free eggs while trying to not slip on the ice. thanks for the approach. BUT could you next time wait until ive recently applied burts, or until after 8 am, or heck-- wait till i've set the eggs down. much appreciated.

christmasishness

2007-12-26T03:03:00.000-06:00

historical tracking sheds light on the possibilties of the itty-bitty baby jesus NOT being born in the calander month of december. but im glad celebrations can still be had. merry merry. hope the dumplings were delightful and the wax from the norwegian head dress did not scald and small ears. ...or large ears for that matter. merry christmas and to all a good night. truly.

just now

2007-12-22T00:25:00.000-06:00

will be working most friday nights now... i recieved the following text on my way to work: "you. pour house. now." i wanted to be driving the other way. i wish that i had fabulous eye- makeup on and cute shoes. i wanted to wink and have three guys offer to buy me drinks or plane tickets to their home cities. i wanted to laugh with the doormen and bar tenders about how it is always amature night friday's in lodo. i wanted to get a sweet meter spot that i could menuver into w/o parallal parking, when you don't have to pay for the meters anymore. so, i drove to work. and i called the number on my way, becasue the road was icey and i should probably not text in the car anyway... (though im not bad at biking and texting. oh, dear.) i bid them a good time as i imagianed the images moreso that would fit with the background noise i heard so clearly.

i arrived at work. and left again. i was to pick up on of the girls at work. i played mom with the van and we returned to the house. i laughed with my coworker and the girl. now everyone has gone off to bed. traveling away or sleeping amongst the blankets in their bed. it will be a good night i think. the tree is in the window with its colorful lights illuminating and christmas is in the air, oh and there are truffles in the office.

no alcohol, but there are truffles. yes, i do think i will be able to manage this friday night.

the phone works again.

2007-12-18T02:34:00.000-06:00

surely one of these days it will bid its forever farethee. apparently not quite yet. i mean i t was resurrected.

"my"

2007-12-11T02:41:00.000-06:00

really? is it mine? i don't know if i agree. though i continue to use the terminology. hmmm. perhaps, im a selfish brat at times. yeah, at times i am. i ain't no liar. ha. another discussion. another day.

consequences.

2007-12-11T01:50:00.000-06:00

he was nice enough. they both were. just doing their job as they attempted to get me to sign a form i had yet to encounter in my lifetime. (the guys who were to tow "my" vehicle from the undisclosed fastfood joint's lot.) ___these fingers kept pressing the wrong buttons as i was working to find possible contacts for the questions that now arrived with this new situation. legally. what are my rights? can they really block me in? apparently so. and the towing company can hook up your car with you in it? they sure can. **bottom line. i was parked illegally. and i will have to deal with the consequences. and i will. but through this entire ordeal-- as annoying as it is... ((because im a rebel. goodness... and i wasn't able to access 4-wheel drive to hop the curve, because i don't have it--)) i witnessed people loving on me. really, truely. we care. and we will defend your cause. and, we will stand by your side no matter the outcome. thank you, thank you. that is what i picked up. so. jess, jeff. you are my heros. meghan, you will be my hero. all of those who will wake with a matter-of-fact tone of my voice within your reciever, the texts, the offers, the direction- thank you. dealing with firsts, is a lot less terrifying when they are persons who care surrounding one- and i'm grateful.-- and i'm grateful for the lessons about integrity and being called on it. first by a towing company and secondly by an awesome god. no. it doesn't feel lovely. yes, it is rather annoying BUT... i would rather deal with it now and battle it out with my opinionated stances and justifications than wait another bit. so, fuck- it is an integrity issue. i wonder what the implications are? these conseqences. the results from this lesson. yep. *oh, and look for the tow man in church, if you go. he said he might return. take care. live well.

t u m b l e w e e d

2007-12-05T01:31:00.000-06:00

scribbled dreams upon the horizontal lines within the day runner

i think tumbleweeds are with-holding secrets

____________________________________

so what about that.

2007-12-04T00:45:00.000-06:00

denver being my current home. community living. fair trade shops. interceeding for nations. practicality of networking. involvment of individuals lives and their involvment with my own. paying bills. friends vs friendship. boundries vs no boundries. the great cloud of witnesses. raising awarenenss. justice. no condemnation. turning 26. new mercies, new days. worship. living well. potential.

thanksgiving naptime

2007-11-22T16:35:00.000-06:00

most everyone else is sleeping. i am sitting on the floor, with my upper body perched appropriately on emily's big cushioned chair. (*yes, she brought it from home. yes, there has been an ongoing joke about hemorrhages. yes, it is only a joke.) i am in front of the fireplace. i want to say that it is crackling, but it's not. it is rather breathy in it's portrayal of existence for the time being. yet, with another dry one added, all will change. i'm eating pumpkin cheesecake. im not sure why consumption is still occurring; however, the new snow upon the crispy leaves that were to be raked up, the aroma that still lingers from the turkey my dad smoked, the packers winning again, and fancy hunter's beer, each, somehow, add to the atmosphere of allowing another nibble of sweet brilliance to pass through my lips. i wasn't sure how we would do it. i wasn't sold on attempting the thanksgiving more traditionally than we have ever done before. even so, this, household can, indeed, put on a glorious thanksgiving production. ...bring your children: we vetoed the centerpiece that looked like reproductive organs, and brought out stuffed black olives with cream cheese- doubled them- and added beaks- they did look like penguins... and they were meant to. ok, i'm reading wind in the willows. not right now, obviously, but goodness-- eggnog and that lovely mole. ha. perfect. envision. after this writing bit. pure indulgence. [[this time around has been quite different. last year, the day was spent purging my closet of anything not made in the usa or china. china attire was seemingly permissible because i would otherwise own no pants. star wars was located and entered into the electronic device. phone conversations were had and shots with an additive of flirtation at a little bar on colfax were to follow. the hours past. i drank a lot. i stood on colfax with a fabulous man who cared about my safety alone. silly thanksgiving of old? maybe. maybe not. i am thankful for a true friendship that looked past my drunken state of vulnerability and chose to care. i am thankful for clothing that was sewn together by careful tedious movements, and attentiveness to concerns facing nations not determent upon their local . i am thankful for life and safety. for opportunities. for meeting new faces and appreciating old faces. for conversations that last beyond the vocal dialog. for fire, when it's crackling and breathing heavy a like. for a voice, and to think of the honor of the responsibility, rather than the responsibility solely.]] eggnog. the wind in the willows. oh, and the fire is now crackling. happy thanksgiving. love and be loved, i dare you.

pack red: it will be hunting season still

2007-11-14T01:46:00.000-06:00

last week we had gotten the thanksgiving thing squared away. finally. after awhile dealing with the quickly approaching unknown-ness of the holidays-- my wishing-to-be-in-control-of-situtations self was annoyed, to say the least. cheap southwest tickets were purchased, so after some glorious turbulance, i will meet my dad and amber's kind pitbull in chicago. from dropping the news to each family member that i would probably not be able to make the trek, i somehow have managed to become the daughter who will now be at my parent's the longest. it will be beautiful. it will be ridiculous. we are to meet a man, upon amber's introduction. thus, it seems we are having a traditional feast. *trandition in the kersting residence over thanksgiving consists of frozen pizzas and the starwars trilogy and a bit of the macys at times, oh, and baby pickles! it is from years of this being the norm, that i find it rather hilarious that my dad is smoking a turkey, and my mom and older sister both, keep inquiring about the proposed menu. i love it. wisconsin will be good. family time will be good. meeting the stranger that i keep hearing about will be good. the feast will be good, i am assured. fabulous family times. i wonder what will occur during this gathering period. ***it wasn't so long ago when the family vacation happened in salida, co. raining days, spastic and sane cousins alike, four-wheeling with grandma alongside, starlight skinnydipping, fat chimpmunks needing yet to indulge, crispy sunburns, fly fishing and horseback riding escapades, failed and attained mountian ventures: quite similar to nat'l lampoon's family vacation... just imagian. goodness. i do anticipate being with these people. a lot. these that i love truly, madly, and deeply. new adventures, one can only wait. yes, im laughing. in the most amatory way.

end all choice.

2007-11-09T14:53:00.000-06:00

as a disclaimer alone, i long to be honest with the 'unseen audience' that is currently gathered around their own personalized screen. ((you dear individuals.)) i have dealt with quite a bit of death thus far in my life. not massive amounts, i am far from be a dealing-with-grief-expert. evenso, the dog dying in second grade was seemingly only a warm up session for my young body. i graduated high school with 62 other students. the number could have been higher. nearly every other year a classmate died within my class. my dear friends. then, relatives passed away along the way. then, community members breathed their last. grief started with a pet. i suppose for many of us it does. after high school, my best friend with whom attended both my 1st grade birthday party, and we exchanged waves from across the way two days before i received news of her death over the disbeiving voice on the phone's reciever. she had commited suicide. there are more tales. benjamin, the squirrel we raised for a summer. my crazy, awesome grandpa who used to sit on me when i wouldn't get him the newspaper. the accident in russia, where i wasn't thinking what-so-ever and stood and allowed the camera's flash to illuminate to hurt of another. ms. alice, she pulled my hair, bit me, and encouraged me like little can compare to as she whispered truth treasures hours before her time. more and more stories, and they continue, as the will to live questions us each, everyday... and multiple times a day, if indeed, one is introspective in his day's journey. this week. two youth group kids from home were in an accident. one, hospitalized. one, died. a massive heart, a laughter that draws, a lover of the lover not on this marblized planet any longer. only hours ago, i sat on suicide watch for one no longer waiting to devote to the high and lows and evened-out plains of life. **enough with the disclaimer already. END ALL CHOICE. the hours, the moments. some long to live, some long to not. driving choices. driving potential. some are drenched in seemingly tourture and immense pain alone. some are tangled. some hurt. some are dizzied by freedom and overwhelmed by oppurtunity. some are direction-less. some are hopeful. some are hopeless. some are stangers within families. some make families of strangers. the messiness of this world. the changing of my emotions and my intake of situations, the changing tides of your own. some are faithful. some faithless. some, somewhere inbetween, an everchaging variable. ceasing. i long for my eyes to be opened, for my heart to be increasingly tenderized, for weeping; pain induced and joy evoked. i wish for peace and stillness in the choas. with a raging scream for only great love to sweep the moments of awakeness. for my very self, and your very core. may the marrow in our bones yearn only for ligaments and vessel veins and flesh that is coated in raw love. whatever that may look like.

this.

2007-11-02T15:25:00.000-05:00

THE HIGH CALLING OF GOD 1. If God has called you to be really like Jesus in all your spirit, He will draw you into a life of crucifixion and humility. He will put on you such demands of obedience that He will not allow you to follow other Christians, and in many ways He will seem to let other good people do things which He will not let you do. 2. Other Christians and ministers who seem very religious and useful may push themselves, pull wires and work schemes to carry out their plans, but you cannot do it. If you attempt it, you will meet with such failure and rebuke from the Lord as to make you sorely penitent. 3. Others can brag about themselves, their work, their success, or their writings, but the Holy Spirit will not allow you to do any such thing. If you begin it, He will lead you into such deep mortification that will make you despise yourself and all your good works. 4. Others will be allowed to succeed in making great sums of money or having a legacy left to them or in having luxuries. But God may supply you daily because He wants you to have something far better than gold and that is a helpless dependence on Him, that He may have the privilege of providing your needs day by day out of the unseen treasury. 5. The Lord may let others be honoured and put forward but keep you hidden away in obscurity because He wants to produce some choice, fragrant fruit for His coming glory, which can only be produced in the shade. 6. God will let others be great, but keep you small. He will let others do a work for Him and get the credit for it, but He will make you work and toil on without knowing how much you are doing. Then to make your work still more precious, He will let others get the credit for the work which you have done, and this will make your reward ten times greater when Jesus comes. 7. The Holy Spirit will put a strict watch on you, with a jealous love, and will rebuke you for little words and feelings or for wasting your time, which other Christians never seem distressed over. 8. So make up your mind that God is an infinite Sovereign, and has a right to do as He pleases with His own. He will not explain to you a thousand things which may puzzle your reason in His dealings with you. God will take you at your word; and if you absolutely will yourself to be His slave, He will wrap you up in a jealous love and let other people say and do many things that you cannot do or say. Settle it forever, that you are to deal directly with the Holy Spirit. Also that He is to have the privilege of tying your tongue or chaining your hand or closing your eyes, in ways that others are not dealt with. 9. Now when you are so possessed with the loving God that you are, in your secret heart, pleased and delighted over this peculiar personal, private, jealous guardianship and management of the Holy Spirit over your life, you will have found the vestibule of heaven. (Source Unknown)

pausing to wave

2007-11-02T05:19:00.000-05:00

it is now november. the mountians still attempt to beckon me, and i stop in wonderment from something, many things, deemed beautiful. the months and days continue to pass by as sure as the moments on the digital time tellers fail to grasp a minute, longer than a minute. i took a barefoot walk the other day; where the ground was cold except for those sun spots on the sidewalk. calloused toes have passed with the summer activities, and the seeming sharp edges of the crispy leaves dug into my suple flesh... yes! i long to only do it again. perhaps, this very day-- i will again meandor through the fallen leaves, emersing myself into the churning seasons, as i wish for those tough summer toes once more. tough and tan... not today, although they will reek of scents that may enable you to envision a delightful classic with pages full of dated aroma read by one on a grand leather chair, with velvet wine in hand and the sparks of the fire dancing to the pattering of the rain. fall turning into winter. my feet, given a chance will attest, to the present season. take care. consider a barefoot staunter. or just eat some soup. welcome to november.

tomorrow

2007-07-06T11:54:00.000-05:00

i am planning on flying to wisconsin. needless, to say... i am rather excited.

password found.

2007-06-19T10:49:00.000-05:00

does anyone else have a hard time consuming nutrition in the summer time heat? i think... naked juices and odwalla may be the answer to somewhat healthy under-the-weight-of-the-sun's-rays semi-meals, or at least snacks. its a tuesday work day for me. laundry. dishes. sorting. bills. budgeting this next bit. purchasing tickets... score. im going home for a wedding in july. yes, please. i am so very excited. bonfires. a birthday train ride. a bachlorette bash. a donated to my use vehicle-- thank YOU. it will be lovely, i have no doubt the time will be good. ok surreal occurance this last weekend. i worked at the hotel friday night (yes, they did work out a schedule i agreed to, therefore i am still employed.), and one of the guests asked if i would be interested in attending the ben folds/ j. mayer show @ red rocks on saturday. i responded with a "yes, my goodness, wow"-- actually i don't remember how i responded... ha. they were going to check with two of their friends but if they were unable to make it, the tickets were mine. WHAT? ok. i continued to clean the rooms... saturday morning i received a phone call while feasting upon my my bagel- which i had to force down because the summer time warmth didnt encourage my chewing/swallowing process at all :), --the tickets were going to be left at the front desk if i could get the night off. FRONT ROW. free. needless to say, i went into work straight away and said im not coming in- please don't hurt me too bad... no, i explained the entire situation and they said alright, youre scheduled sunday , see you then-- enjoy the show. so after i locked my keys in the car at target, and after two hours and a very bent hanger, and after the "unlocker guy" came, and after some delicious wheat beer, we went to the show. front row. arm bands. we chatted with the fabulous ticket offerers and they gave us authentic lays, flown in from maui. what? what a day. i didn't want to go to bed-- ever. so it was amazing, and so generous of them, and you know thats a pretty massive tip. so i still smile. and i wonder what today holds, because life can be ridiculous. like i plan all of these things to achomplish on this tuesday, but you know saturday when i was eating the bagel i wasnt thinking about the kind man from colorado springs who attempted to get the car door open for a long time, and i wasn't thinking about the beauty of the red rocks that i would be able to breath in because of another's giving... generosity. wow. thank you strangers, who love on me. xxx

always thinking it will be different...

2007-04-19T20:24:00.000-05:00

once again... i like to play and pretend and imagain and create. i have a hard time being ok with life when it is not fun, and it hurts, and there is confussion and chaos spilt all over. i used to deny it. the messes of life. the complexities of living. the ideals i thought i would immerse myself into that were actually not ideals at all. i am sitting in a coffee shop. my ass is begining to hurt a bit; although the hard wooden pew provides an amazing sense of enviroment, it , unforenutly does not cater to the body for lengths of time whatsoever. last night, i worked at the hospital. it is strange to think that i ended my shift at eight this morning. it has been good for me to get hospital experience, although the realizations it has offered, angers me. i have been doing cna work in nursing homes for the last six years. six years! on and off a bit, but for the most part, the great bit of six years. when i lived in minneapolis i tried to get hired at a hospital. my resume was denied with the reasoning that i didnt have any accute care expeirence. when i moved to wisconsin, the same deal. i tried and was denied. colorado, spring of '06-- same thing. ok. knowing "fresh" cna's that worked in a hospital... i was frustrated. whatever. fastforward to now. i got a job with an agency that places cna's in hospitals and nursing homes both. (and am on call for a place that will set me up with home health care and hospice work.) beautiful. i wanted the experience. "there must be more that cna's do in hospitals..." but thus far i have taken vitals, done blood sugars, emptied urinials, made beds and filled water pitchers... i just wondered why all these hospital faciluties from the past wouldn't let me in when cna nursing home work is all that and... caring for these people, feeding, bathing, tolieting... please hear me. i am glad for the oppurtunity. happy for the expeirience. i just wonder if it stems back to this western societies fond approval of idolizing youthfulness and in turn disregarding elderly. ((oh and when i was at a nursing home last week-- an 80 yr old took out her green mood lipstick. no im not lying at all. i was able to witness the perfect application of this lip enhancer prior to the clock reading 7o'clock. funny. you would have laughed to. *i think i discarded mine in the 8th grade.)) now that it is warmish again-- i crave bike rides. it is an appropriate passion, i do beleive. yesterday, i was able to venture downtown with trish. we did a barnes and noble stop and then indulged in the fancy cheesecake that is at burger king for 1.29 and is scrumptious enough to compare with the cheesecake factory. ((the cheesecake factory reminds me of tyler burton while her surname was still stinson... and lem usita on his conference visit from cali... and ms. jenna stanfield *starfield! when we probably both had an overdraft fee and it was freezing and we were deliberating on the 16th street mall. oh, cheesecake.)) and now cheesecake, which trish stated she didn't even enjoy that much-- but we sat in the grass along the bike path and ate not-so-healthful food, after feeling somewhat healthy. then, jenna and i rode along the bike path today. chatting about men. and god. and which route to take. pretty much in the opposite line-up that i just stated. life goals. to be an RN before im thirty... amber. you said it. not me. i think i want to but um, then theres school, and money and to actually work hard. honestly, i want to lay on the couch and read novels and watch little house on the prairie and eat ice cream and squash. so the man at the counter gave me two massive chocolate cookies. oh peace floods with cookies consumptions. ok i work at 6. goodbye. goodnight.

just leave the nose alone

2007-04-01T03:01:00.000-05:00

turtle, la headzee's precious cat like to cuddle as close to one's head as possible. there has been several ocasions he has attempted to sleep on my face actually. and yes, it is a bit of a joke around the house that this cat will indeed be a baby killer. so he just climbed upon my chest and laid with his whiskers touching my cheeks his. i blow at him-- a hot blast of mouth air. he then proceeded to bat my nose. i stopped blowing. he continued to bat. goodness. i have since shooed hiowm from my presence. and now find the noise of swing kids quiet pleasent in the background. i am not one to typically like "background tv noise"-- not at all. how however, it was either this or quiet quiet, and hey tonight i choose the 1930's young rebel's music. i started with 'big fish,' then '40 yr old virgin,' then some documentary on sharks... but none of those were in their cases, until i stumbled across the dancing kids. which rememinds me of those lessons i took for a month to learn how to swing dance... hmm. lets just say i don't know yet, though it was fun. ...shoot. i don't remember the doughnut that i was eating... but it is currently gone. oh, next friday will be my last at the hotel. the hospital/ agency place offered to switch me up to day shifts, and i am choosing to give it a go. but because most of the shifts will run from 7.3 to 4 i wont be able to start at the hotel at 4. i chatted with management but they were unable to work with the hoped for set-up that i have a intriquitly woven together in my mind. so... well see what tomorrow holds i guess. this is random. not that you needed me to state that however i still felt it may be nessicary for those attempting to plod through that written prose in hopes for something meaningful, enlightening, and well articulated. well, dear friends, scamper elsewhere perhaps. i just write. and i dont really get it myself. **** i work a 15 hour day today, but it was good-- and knowing that i am working towards a goal, i was somehow driven to try my hardest and not just yearning for the hours to pass by... not that there weren't times of those, but. so i is a bit strange to go from a fairly laxed work place to where i would venture out will the gang nearly... well... a lot. to then, not having work-- by choice though it was still a crazy time. to now... attempting to get a handle finacially and socially both. stange times. stange seasons. the other day... breakfast ephanies-- first off, wow. i think god is up to something with that groups. ana, carrie, anna, jenna, alicia, amber-- passionate, driven, seeking jesus, yeah, wow. ladies. but lets see, overnight wednesday to thursday it snowed. (i was on for a night shift and seriously over a foot of perfect white fluff on the rollerskate-- yes, i ate some.) and mind you i has been quite warm and springish in denver thus far. the birds have been over and about (they dont really leave, i guess) the grass has been getting green and the trees have begun to bud and blossom. lovely. than the snow came. beautiful white blanket. (the best kind for snowball fights, thee best kind) so, we met and chatted about jesus and life and justice and esther, and it would circle about some agreeing so disagreeing, conversation being held, unity occuring despite our widely vary gifts and views. and the green tree stood, with full fresh buds, it stood blanketed with a pure coat of white. and it was a slight to behold, one to stand amazed at, one to ask that your dreams tonight may display it. that is all for now. continue dear friends.

ofically dillusional

2007-03-26T10:06:00.000-05:00

sound it out, and stop editing already. i will disappoint all who are present for that reason. "burn denver" has occured since the last time i offered my little secret password to 'get on in.' and wow. i guess because it was a time to intercede on behalf of denver simply because people trust that god is what/ who he says he is, i guess i souldn't be amazed. well. it has been a long time since i have mustered the itsy-bitsy bit of my heart and core that screams that god is reality, it has been a long while since ive joined with others and annouced, "so be it lord" to the land, over the people, and shouted to my stubborn will as well. yeah, yeah... than i have been working at the hotel till 9.3 pm, than of to the hospital a while later to be there till 8 am. it has been an exhausting weekend, but no less than good. no less. ok. i am going to sleep, and then perahps ill... just kidding. im not going to make plans this time around. i did stop at einstein's on the way home... and the toasted honey whole wheat bagel with honey almond smear is almost too much, in a really good way. recommended.

burn denver is soon. come.

2007-03-22T11:24:00.000-05:00

im typing with my left hand only. my right one is assisting in consumption, a cookie with which lazee proudly took from the wrapper last night, sliced, and proceeded to bake on a pan in the oven. dough from the store... hmmm. lazee, your terrific. just a bit ago i woke to trish saying my bathroom ceiling was leaking. what? oh dear. we got a big pot, and it has since stopped.____________________beautiful. i just got hooked-up with one of the hospitals. many night shifts. this able body is going to going to get well rested and give it a go. ((next week)) ***oh, tomorrow night is denver burn. 24 hours of prayer and worship. here we go. ill bet. later. now. stopped by sox, for a moment. it was good to see missed faces once again ______read this somewhere, and found myself encouraged, "I am afriad my heart has become entangled. I have ceased to want God, ceased to give Him honor and adoration, and now I find myself peering at my reflection, quite discusted at what I see. I have turned into a worrier, a complainer, and a bit of a self-absorbed brat. I say I want to learn the hard asspects of love knowing full well that I am capable and willing to manuver about manipulativly. I say I hate Christians but what I truely despise is peering at them, and seeing my own self. I need a savior. I have a savior. Oh, Lord quiet this restless heart." ok now, im out. needing a savior this day. later all.

catch-up, one tuesday in march

2007-03-20T16:45:00.000-05:00

this day has been glorious. i received a text this morning wishing me a "glorious day," and am happy to declare that it has been thus far. thank you, miss jenna. i took a walk to the grocery store in the sun-- i had to fax some paperwork and purchase brownie mix. but with my jeans and t-shirt, adorned with the makeshift cardigan, i was too toasty. i made it there, but on the return trip i ripped off the extra layer. i comptemplated whether i should take my shoes and socks off. alas. i did not. now, after a cool down bath and eating half a pan of brownies, i feel a bit sick in my grass green skirt and barefeet. the brownies were on sale-- two boxes of betty crocker for three dollars us-- thats beauty. so, i am sipping organic blueberry juice in attempt to counteract what is occuring in my body. im not sure if it is working. i chatted with betty and shandi on the phone this morning. can i tell you people are lovely? the interactions were wonderful and i am glad we were able to connect up again. for the past many months i have been at the restruraunt and improving my social networking, as some might say. i was still involved at sox place, and still attended scum of the earth church. i would love on the people at the restruraunt and allow them to care about and for me. it seem good. throughout this time... my anger towards christians elevated, and the bitterness towards god grew. i was tired of pursuing, i was tired of trying. so, i didn't. i still knew that god was actual. but i didn't get his love. somewhere i had forgotten that it wasn't earned. somewhere i misunderstood, or perhaps it never truely sunk in that i didn't have to "try." anyways. a colorado sweetheart sent me away. i had left the restruraunt and was in the process of typing updated resumes when a conversation with her lead to a four day mountian venture. i was to leave the next day. i did. i was quieted. i was bored. then god loved on me. i fought it. i let him. he told me stuff. i fought it. and i was quited again. and i ate shrimp cocktail and i saw new places i had never seen previously. so. that was now weeks ago. the things that i believe god spoke and reminded me of still encourage and haunt me, this day. there is a part of me that is counting the cost of actually discipleship, but there is another bit of me that simply says "just be, and let him love you." so, yeah. god. and i stepped away from scum, for the time being and sox. i need jesus. not minstry persay, or um the niceites of church. not this moment. maybe when i swallow his love deep again, probably, yes... for sure-- once i let him love me, than more love truely. oh. art. i had this huge canvas in my room. and now it is back to being white. back to such potential. i like it. trish and i are now going on a walk down town-- only a couple miles-- and it is still beautiful out there. xxx cleaning and bills and probably another brownie await at the house.

tuesday on the couch

2006-09-26T11:08:00.001-05:00

later. i will get up but not right this moment. ((that sounds like it has a bit of a hidden meaning... it sort of does. *i am just not going to delve into the conversation during this hour.)) __yesterday, i returned to the rectangular state entitled, colorado. surreal moments in the hills of wisconsin and the high rises of downtown minneapolis, i than returned to the ghost town of the west. i am glad i am back. sort of. it is appropriate. and it is good. i have truly been offered amazing oppurtunities in this place during this time. i am a runner. and i should perhaps, consider that when also attempting to figure out what is occuring in my life presently. (*and not run from it?) trees. skyline. becky. rachelle. crown nostalgia. no billy. tattoo. shandi. john. reily. annies palour. sarah o. sarah f. pregnancies. 36th. jason. ice cream cone. hwy 94. menomonie. wal-mart. katie. lynnae. lyndsay. jamie. dove. whispers. culvers. shawn. wedding. puffy lamb. mark. erin/brent. hs: leah, andrea, phil, amy, sandy, liz, tom. giggles. jeff/jim? ernie/bert? danny. rain. playing. stuarts...grape, key lime, cherry, origanl root beer pop shots. stories. string cheese. pumpkins. dirty stashes. movies. late night drive to exit 45. bethany. foot soaking. slight yelling. sweet dreams. coffee. omleattes. late. doughnuts. robyn. james. the sarahs. bethany. god? rhonda. cassie. darren. randy. libby. eden. ginger. roger. marsha. jenni. exhausted. new husbands/wifes. new pregnancies. new babies. new stories. new people. fudge. packers. dave. dody. laughter. grass. multiple marys. nap. senior pictures. dirt stains. park. posing. leaves. clear water in clear water. bear. zeal. heated car. bright stars. lots of questions. feast. olives. communication. sky streak. coffee. airpoill rt. more coffee. sleep. more sleep. male flight attendent. mountians. ((my parents are in maine. amber is in salem. and emma is in scottland. with that being stated, i truly did feel as if i was visiting family. and that was lovely.)) ok. now i will get off the couch. now is the time. love you all. love you from this ghost town. ((by the way... god is the same in the lush enviroment as well as the arid. i change. but he is the same. and i am still alive. god is still very much in me. what are those verses? those promises. that i now must cling to and remind my existence because i am not able to cast responsibility to another. so, i ask instead: pray. to the only true holy god. because... friends-- there is one. ONLY one though. so, crap. that means a lot. i get to dance. but right now i feel rather crushed.)) ok. the bag of candy corn is gone. the laudry's cycle has been completed. and i must move from the presence of this small dog. ((yes. our new housemate has a small dog. you know how i feel about this.))

i used to fast on thursdays

2006-09-01T02:29:00.000-05:00

i think that may have been why thursdays have been my favorite for quite some time now... i wrote a note to jesus on the back of a receipt today. maybe tomarrow, i will get a note in return. *today, i worked a lunch shift as a server. it was the first day they didn't regulate my tables. i broke three hundred in sales, which means it is a fairly good lunch. there were two other 'white shirts.' the customer flow was consistent. troy showed me how to do a proper cashout, and i joked around with minnesotian jeremy and lovely angelina. chef chris 'watched my back' as i climbed up on the bread station to change a light bulb. new days and what they bring...*i then stayed for family meal. eggplant parm. and fett. sup.-- yum. *jenna was doing envelope work, yeah-- i guess i am not going to be there in a little while. i hope they got stuffed. those envelopes...*brought some cash and a check to my friends at wells fargo. we spoken with light hearted banter about the benifits of coffee and red wine. not mixed. *i rode home on my squeaky bike. (tomarrow, i truely do need to grease that timid beast up.) *kris, lazee and i drove in the 'rollerskate' to KMart. we purcahsed an $80 vaccum cleaner. i feel old. it was a good purchase but... *laundry didn't happen. financil figuring, did not occur... woody and trish decided on going bowling. i was leaning towards a no-go BUT i had been wanting to hang out with them... so, i went. after two bowls of late evening raisin bran i figured i could lace up the bowling shoes and bond moreso with some of the fun people who live in the same house i now reside in. it was good. some gutters, a strike- a fifth place game. remeeting people. i smiled, and i meant it. *now i am lying in bed, casually tossing a rollo in my mouth. there was a deal a KMart, lazee and i both bought two bags. *i think i might go to bed now. love you. me

myspace notes.

2006-08-29T15:11:00.000-05:00

AUGUST 19 summertime heat loosed in the freedom of a relentless affair/unsure of what persquaded the current stance/brief hesitencies cling to initial decisions/twirling under the cloud's heavy shadow/expecting contradictions to not withstand/lengthy minutes puzzle past assumptions/movement deciphered through unpredictable whispers/quickened paces with prolonged melodies/volumized silence and colorless brilliance lull this wrecked being ___________________________________________________________ AUGUST 1o .downtown. it is nice to live in the city again. i do not think the suburbs and i mesh together. we manage, we politely co-exist-- but ahhh, we don't mesh, nor meld, nor compliment each other in the appropriate way. that is all. that is my take on the last seven months of living in the suburbs. ((and jolene, is amazing. you need to meet her. you have no choice. i am telling you, you must.)) and it is nice to see the tall buildings and snooze in the sleepy haze of the street lights. nice.the space i have is begining to feel like 'home.' i still have boxes to unload and file neatly away accordingly. i live with 5 others currently. "crunchy, crazy, goodness" is the entitled cereal i am anticipating and expecting to daily indulge in. if, that is the expeirence could be abbreviated to the name upon a cereal box. oh, 5 amazing people, and 3 cats...i'm out. bye now. __________________________________________________________ AUGUST 6 learning to be recently, i have been driven to actual christianity. whatever that means. i don't know. i don't get it. i am hungry for truth, if there is indeed truth. i have been questioning moreso my upbringing and i have been attempting to sort through christian-ise and what the bible states. if that is, the bible is true. i am weary of smiling, and playing the "nice church girl" game. if the jesus is god's son, and persons are to live as he did... the implications scare me. they terrify me. ((i've heard, this man was not "approved" by the religious leaders, he truely loved people, he got angry, confronted individuals, called people to more, and spoke in metaphors that not many understood... ))when the the "sunday school feltboard stories" are not watered down and sugar coated, they are messy tales about persons who bleed and cry, are stubborn and lonely, and some are ushered into transformation.i want to say i am excited. but i am not. but, i would rather actual get to know this god that i hear rumors about than, pretend like i know and continue to smile out of ignorance.what the hell. so, is there a Lord that tossed the stars into the beautiful constellations that we like to trace with our fingertips as we are laying in the back of the jeep?i read the bible at the bartop last night. the book of james goes really well with miller light. i sort of surprised myself. only because, i used to think the two activies couldn't appropriatly mesh. once agian, i am attempting strip away my preconceived opinions/ ideas with christianity--- and i was stopped in my tracks... and i think i'll do it again. __________________________________________________________ JULY 26 new addition to the lengthy list .travel to ireland .run more .learn to folk dance, and ballroom .give really good blow jobs .make a tee-shirt skirt with shirts i wore in jr. high the list continues, and it is extensive and growing. this morning, when i finally rolled out of bed and stumbled into the hall, jolene appeared taken back. moments earlier i had greeted her with louder-than-i-had-intended- and-apparently-more-spunky... "hello." i was on a high. future plans materizialized in my mind. current pipe dreams would perhaps, morph into reality. for the moments prior to greeting my roommate, i lay pondering the possibilities. and it was BEAUTIFUL. i added "backpacking forgien lands, for real" to my book of-- 'are you living the moments that you have been given, jas.' and for now... i wonder, oh, do i wonder what today holds. chatting with the little lady at the liberary. uncovering the telephone number of a friend from home. learning about the recent union of two individuals that i hope only good things for. eating cereal. giggling with a four year old. l i f e. i am longing to drink deeply, and often. *yesterday i received a letter from one of the girls that a meet when i was in russia in '99. it was the first time i had hear from her. amazing. those connections one makes with individuals, who knows when lives will than collide agian. i was in awe. and i think i may still be. yes, awe. ((so, who wants to do a several month backpacking venture? or...um...what are you dreaming about?)) xxx ________________________________________________________ JULY 11 a pirate in the apartment last night, jolene brought the captian sparrow life-size cardboard cut-out home from b&n. it is ridiculous. and i love it, like i love squash. mr. j.depp with amazing dreads and fancy boots will be residing upright in northglenn until the end of this month and than he will be transitioning to minnesota. if you would like to contact him, you will need to be interviewed briefly be jolene. and no, the dreads cannot be cut off. _____________________________________________________________ JULY10 productivity. i think that spelling is at least mostly correct. and yes, that word captures my current "ness." helped a bit at the italian place this morning, than did the cell phone thing... it took a bit of clock watching and pacing though i attempting not to sigh too heavily... the number is the same-- and yes, i want to talk to you. hit me up if you don't have it *a friend at work made up a great accranim. and yes, that is wrong. and no, i am not going to look it up. the little wisconsin rollerskate passed his emissions check: and i am so proud of him. and than we ventured off again together to get hard green and white plates with mountians. weird. that is today so far. and the rocks on this site morphed into and ferris wheel. amazing. and i would like to ride one again. ((dunn co. fair please)) would you? cotton cady, perhaps? mom and dad were in colorado last week. it was good. crazy smiles with italian decor. a lit up and rain upon red rocks show. a movie that made us all laugh and cry both. a gorge, that i still don't get. an elvis horoscope. shots and candy land with the neighbor boys/men. a red rollerskate with a steering wheel. ziti in the springs. road floods. long chats with karen and jim both. wonderful. you should meet them, i think you'd like um. ok. i am out. enjoy today. or not. it will still be. xxx ________________________________________________________________ JUNE 26 monday monday i lost the phone a bit ago. the computer that i purchased failed to turn on after two days of useage. i am yearning to scream about something, but um, i find myself instead genuinely grinning at customers. i am not sure what the deal is..._and what does joy look like_ church, last night confirmed some stuff. which i want to say is ironic-- but it isn't, at all. i missed the bus this morning. than asked an individual at the bus stop to use their cell phone: denied. am i scarey? is "no" easier to pronounce than "yes"? i wondered what my actual reasons are behind the initial statements/ answers i offer, when asked about various things. oh. ramblings, how i love thee. and, clear nail polish (which i finally found on my bedroom floor) how i love thee, as well. _____________________________________________________________ MAY 3 a story i finally decided to answer "nay" to an amazing oppurtunity at hand. perhaps, i had really screwed this one up. immediatly after i went on both a job search and a "what is really next jas" search. when you have a passion and a desire to someday work with street kids oversea, perhaps, loans are an important issue to deal with straight away. perhaps. when you are idealist in nature but a crappy "follow througher," it is vital to have goals with little boxes for daily or monthly check-offs. for real. ((i am still looking for another/ full-time job, and um, laundry is on my list for things to be achomplished soon.)) prior to the colorado transition, i was to begin nursing schoool in january. for your information, i opted on the move when it boiled down to it. yeah, i found out about the oppurtunity in november, and um i was here in the middle of december. ((it seems like things happen quickly in my life at times...)) so, after i had decided "no," and i was checking around for jobs and filling out applications moreso, i called some schools to chat about their nursing programs. it seemed everyone was on a two to three year waiting list except for this one place. i chatted with the girl and she told me that they begin to accept applications into the program next week so the timing in my inquiry call was pivitol. we set up a tentative time to meet. i went to an interview for a job, and totally didn't call this girl from the college. so, yeah-- i stood her up. JERK. ((i had decided at this point that the schooling would lead to further loans-- and i dreaded that whole idea.)) i returned from the interview and our phone rang. it was 10:30 in the morning. what the. it was the girl. the story continues... but i need to get to work in a few minutes. turns out there were 30 slots. im in. i don't get it. but it sure seems like a god thing. ____________________________________________________ APRIL 21 flag football anyone? i was walking in the hot sun about 20 minutes ago, and to my left an entire herd of sixth graders waited for further instruction as their visor wearing gym teacher strutted about with her clip board. ((i had a female phy. ed. instructer. more on that later, perhaps. or maybe not.)) you are right, the awkward-aged students did not calmly, and patiently plant themselves on the dry grass until she informed them of what was next-- do you remember sixth grade? boys with shaggy hair were leaping up and smacking the top of the soccer goal, girls in matching shorts and tee shirts were hudled together talking exclusively. i walked on. wearing my jeans; i did not have my running shoes laced up and over my feet, and my red or yellow flags were not flapping in the breeze that every once in awhile came unexpectedly by. i hope they enjoy the game. i wish grass stains upon them all! and let me know, because i would totally be up for a game of flag football, or field hockey... maybe i will do a bit of crab walking this evening to still this sudden urge to participate in those memories of old once again. you can crab walk too. _____________________________________________________________ APRIL 8 the control that i can't have but that i want so bad Current mood: -s-t-r-e-t-c-h-e-d--s-t-i-l-l- "Today, I would like everything to be perfect according to me." please put me in bangladesh. or back at the airport, smelling adventure. don't give me an address. i don't want to be sitting. i want to be running. racing through the rich, green countryside in ireland. i would make noises at the sheep, and they would make an animal-like response accordingly. if i were in Colorado-- i would be hiking at a high altitude, and probably gasping for a breath as i peered about at the beauiful raised landscape. i would listen to the birds, and pause to notice their vibrant feathers. i'd laugh and i'd play outside a bit longer, because the sun will still be out and blazing... but i am in Colordo-- though i am at a high altitude, i am low in comparison to those mountians over yonder. recently, i have been coming to a different understanding about the position that i have choosen in the past and that i also, pick for this day-- and i tell ya: it is really hard for me to let go. ((...attepting to be vauge and personal at the same time. lovely contradictions.)) to loosen my grasp on the things that i want, i offer my clenched fists with tears streaming down my face. to look beyound my idealist self, though my inner voice screams in utter dismay. to know that GOD is in control, i still beg to see l.i.f.e. sifted through for my personal understanding and commentary. i thought i had it down pat. but, once agian-- i do not. not really at all. and that is not comfortable, nor pretty, nor clean. to me it is terrifying, and choatic, and messy. my roommate likes to remind me that not knowing is the beauty of it all, at which point i remind her that i sometimes really like the pradictable tales verses those with surprise twists. oh, control. i am sick of this wrestling match. exhausted. that is just today. and the beauty of it. whatever that means...

sleeping until noon

2006-08-29T14:40:00.000-05:00

i keep doing it. i continue to sleep until noonish, even if i set the alarm for earlier or make a list of great-morning-intentions the day prior. so, my body yearns for sleep and because i don't allow it to find itself in a resting position until the early hours of the morning... it will not allow for itself to be roused before it is energized again. hmm. maybe tonight i will go to bed before the morning hours. i have not written in a long time. no guilt. no shame. but now there are a multitude of avenues that i could delve into, various paths we could trot upon. we'll trot down THIS path. the one were i offer brief intros to longer stories for another time--- i live in a house with five other humans and three cats. ((we had a house party over the weekend and i was floored by how many came from scum. and i liked it a lot.)) emma, my younger sister, left for scottland yesterday. ((study abroad adventure. she will be living in a castle.)) i wear a white shirt and black pants at work now. ((yes, i have made the transistion from a host to a server. however, tonight i will be only wearing black... training new hosts. flashback moments. --oh. and i need help opening wine bottles. so, let me know if you want to have a wine and cheese party.)) god is good. i don't understand. he shows me but i am fighting against. silly? i don't know-- this is where i currently stand. my parents are renting out our house. (( i am planning on returning to wisconsin for a wedding in september-- but i won't be 'home.')) there we have it. that is a nice spicy dash, right? jas is back. for right now. to-da-lou .weird.

rain drops are falling on my... they keep falling.

2006-05-30T18:27:00.000-05:00

i like rain a lot. you all should know that, and i think you probably do. and yes, it has been sprinkling all day. blissful, un-hun. i had today off. wakened with a new sense of energy, or motivation from somewhere, i went running this morning, guzzled orange juice and cruched on puttnet butter bummpers. which are fabulous- try them maybe. i love when i wake with that. when discipline is easy and fun and you sort of look forward to it... there are so many things that could be touched upon at this point. things about personal character development on all sorts of levels if one wished to catogorize and meander in the depths of oneself. (right now, i will choose to lets the thoughts swim about in my own mind.) i often wonder and think of how my body would be more so "happy, err healthy" throughout the rest of the day if i allowed myself to do a run in the morning... but than i like the warmth of the pillow, and goodness my head makes such a nice indentation, perhaps i do not really want to rouse my body... i wonder if discipline is the wrong word to even use in the above conversation, for the defination of discipline hasn't occured. it is the wrong word. i was reading a bit ago about proved gold/ pure gold/ proved silver/ pure silver. maybe you too have heard accounts... that these metals are brought though the fires, so the impurites may be dechipered and in turn removed. discipline/ character/ a simply run this morning/ who i want to be today/ who i long to be for tomarrow... how you all are well. super well.

reservations tonight

2006-05-13T16:29:00.000-05:00

i am on a break. i hightailed it down to the big 'ol public library to be greeted by the lovely door/ security guys that recognize me right away. someone once said that i disclose too much information during an intial introduction. maybe i do? ...who else am i going to make comments with about my legs falling asleep because i sat too long in one position, or about the wind has cease-less blowing abilities? the door guys just stand there and it sure seems they would like to engage in conversation. so i do, about my legs, and the weather. yes, i saw them as i sauntered in and surely they will be present as i meander out as well. we have a lot of reservations. i was planning on ranting and raving about that, but alas-- i should probably save it. ryan is waiting for his break.

continuation with blogspot. i have missed the green-ness.

2006-05-10T18:04:00.000-05:00

i am wearing mismatched socks. you should try it sometime. i truely do encourage you. it is fun. (would i lie about this?)

.

2006-02-27T19:57:00.000-06:00

it is getting dark outside. i thought you might like to know that. and i only share the information because the window is basically sitting in frount of me, calling out for meto proclaim what it's existance is revealing. that's all. i wonder what my existance is revealing. and that really is all.

i wasn't sure if my password would come to me.

2006-01-26T16:23:00.000-06:00

i have been in colorado for about a month now. i am not sure how to best describe this transition in abbreviated form. i am just not sure. you can call me and we can chat about it-- or as you can imagian it is just another period of transition-- one that is very good for me to grow and struggle through and yet one that has me screeaming for the pain of this growth to cease at the same time. i wonder- does anyone check this anymore? hmm. yeah. just wondering aloud. i am involved at sox place. www.soxplace.com and i am going to church at www.scumoftheearth.net umm, i work at "buca di beppo- downtown denver- we are now taking reservations for valentines" that's the phone kicker-- how does it flow? those are the vitials. i am not engaged yet. though i played mash the other night so i supposedly know the fellow's name and we have afirebird and eight kids- or will have. oh, if mash were true i would have married chad from forth grade. ok. i am out for now! have a grand one. ...grand, that is a word i haven't used in a bit. later you.

tomarrow.

2005-12-12T15:58:00.000-06:00

i am moving. and it shall be lovely. i think. i hope. i ordered checks today-- mostly because i only have two left and i shouldn't have let my supply get that low. talked to wells fargo nate. his voice was nice. perhaps, it was because he was attempting to talk me into mortage. i gently turned the man down. so, i am at the elementary. april made me a bracelett-- it's beautiful. saw the holidazzle last night with Tyler, Andy, Shandi, D, and Emma. it was nice. super nice. And i ate cold stone for the very first time... that topped the evening. (((i am not done packing. but i might be soon.))) tonight: the hp mtg. sweatpants will be seen. ***xo***

joe bayly

2005-12-04T16:26:00.000-06:00

"Psalm of Single-Mindedness" Lord of reality, make me real,...not plastic, synthetic, pretend, phony,...an actor playing out his part – a hypocrite. I don’t want to keep a prayer list...but to pray, Nor agonize to find Your will...but to obey what I already know, I don’t want to argue theories of inspiration...but to submit to Your Word. I don’t want to explain the difference between eros and philos and agape...but to love. I don’t want to sing as if I mean it...I want to mean it. I don’t want to tell it like it is...but to be like You want it. I don’t want to tell others how to do it...but to do it; I don’t want to have to be always right...but to admit it when I’m wrong. I don’t want to be a census taker...but an obstetrician Nor an involved person, a professional...but a friend. I don’t want to be insensitive...but to hurt where other people hurt Nor to say “I know how you feel”...but to say, “God knows”...and “I’ll try if you’ll be patient with me”...and meanwhile I’ll be quiet. I don’t want to scorn the clichés of others...but to mean everything I say – Including this. “And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more in knowledge and all discernment, that you may approve the things that are excellent, that you may be sincere and without offense till the day of Christ.” (Philippians 1:9-10) from “Psalms of My Life” by Joseph Bayly.

written awhile ago.

2005-12-04T15:22:00.000-06:00

the following is a letter to a dear friend of mine. i stumbled acrossed it last night- yes, it was still in my possesion and never sent. anyways. i am posting it. maybe it's because i am finally coming out from under a cloud? maybe it is because i was challanged last night? maybe it is because, i like to pretend like i understand things that i really truely don't and this note captures my being in a state of vulnabilty that i forget so often about... here goes. "Hi.__I hope you are well.__I finally got my hands on the Tozer book, 'Born After Midnight,' that was recommended to me awhile ago. This book, as well as, other factors are contributing to the state that I currently am in. I will try to outline it to you in ways that I know how...__I have been under amazing conviction. It steams from the idea of God being reality. If the Bible is true, than God is real-- than I am able no longer to rub my pocket gennie jesus, or issue less than upmost respect for this Holy, Holy stranger of some church services. It is not a game. And I find myself sitting here, somewhat uncomfortable- no, really uncomfortable... because the only part of me that knows truths is the stuborn, locked part of my soul that trembles knowing that it has stepped onto holy ground 'while the rational thinking part is unwilling to remove it's shoes in humility.'__I stopped attending the church that I grew up in. I am tired of the games. Not tired... frustrated, angery, starving for community of the saints, and to splash in the deep pools of truth that only one little part of my soul knows-- the part that is not ashamed, nor afraid, the part that is willing to forego reputational stigma, and is willing and longing for the rest of my being's eyes to be opened fully to the truth that so patiently awaits, the part that doesn't give up hoping for God to be God.__I don't know. If the Bible is real... If God is actual... Than there is a lot more responsibility... Christianity is so much more than a relationship between lovers, it is a job description that I have been asked to do with excellence- and not just that... it requires faith again and again in one other than myself. I don't know.__And the Jesus that I am sort of encountering more of these days is sure as hell (if hell is actual) NOT the Jesus of 'nice religious music,' or the one who would approve of a 5 min. daily scripture fix to seal the way to heaven-- maybe I am wrong. Maybe the Bible is not true. Maybe Jesus can be simply another conserative opinion. Maybe Jesus would agree with everything the clerks say at Northwestern bookstores, and maybe he'd really like the cheesey pop radio stations that say his name every other sentence, and perhaps, he'd be a Bush supporter all the way. Maybe he'd hang out with the popular kids, and adults. Perhaps he would be neat and tidy and wear a suit and drive a new hybrid car. Maybe he would sit on plush seats in church and sip his coffee from Starbucks. Yeah.__So. I am finding truth. Not cheesey religious crap. I can no longer say 'I love Jesus,' but listen to the soothing lies of the enemy. I must hear that one small raging part in my soul. I must really hear it. I believe it. Because something says it is the only way... something says that it is his voice, though it is so very contray to what would seem calculated and poportional and reasonable for this time, or really anytime.__I am not a fanatic. I just want to know truth, and give it the credit and honor that it (he) is due.__There you have it. Current state.__I can't deny Jesus. I can't. But yes, I do it everytime I fail to offer respect to his actual identity.__I wonder what tomarrow will hold?__jas"

drizzle.

2005-11-28T16:04:00.000-06:00

just today.

2005-11-23T15:26:00.000-06:00

i started work at four this morning. it is nearly four in the afternoon. i am more hungery than anything though, the last thing i ate was at 10:30. i should probably eat, eh? i have ho-ho's in the car._______________ the stars couldn't be seen this morning. the car was snowy and when i looked up, the sky still had cloud residue. beautiful cloud residue._______________ so, i am moving. most of you know. i think. i hope. it came really quickly. but i do believe it is good and fine and wonderful. simply pick up and head out, i am not sure when another lovely risk will come my way such as this so, i am planning on taking it. i am heading to CO. jolene lives there right now. yes, brad-- same place you were at. i might learn to ski. i'm not sure. it is colorado... i will run where i can see mountians in the near distance. that will be nice. so, yeah- walking through the open doors. yup. are you? i will continue to try to do so._______________ read jude yesterday. isn't jude an interesting word.________________ i am going to the opening of narnia with mom and dad, maybe emma, perhaps jade and sage-- anyways- i enjoy c.s. lewis' work very much, but i actually never read the chronicals of narnia. really. i sort of feel guilty. not really. i am just saying that. maybe i should though. stop! would you like to start a book club here and now? ha. im not going to join. but if you would like to inform me on your take on character development, plot, or story line- ill hear you out. (reading it now)____________ ok. be thankful. weither you are feasting upon bird with family, or not. "wink"- in departure, this afternoon.

cheerios in the morning

2005-11-20T09:51:00.000-06:00

i am still eating them... the cheerios. steven kellog's (i think i mispelled his surname), book Cordina was plastered to the fount of the box. and so i peeled off the enclosed-in-plastic-paperbook and proceeded to read the tale. the story is about a cow following what she loves to do-- Cordina dances... she finds herself in manhattan trying to pursue her desires. i am not telling anymore. you must go and find your own copy. check cub, midway down the aisle, eye-level to the 5' individual.____________i applied for a non-profit job that does sheltering/ housing programs for youth whom are currently homeless. it's in chicago. so, hmmm._____one gentleman punched me hard right in the middle of my chest. (this happened on the unit at work) it is interesting though because there is an ongoing joke around nursing homes and facilties simliar about "the full moon." seriously, though-- it is when behaviors and combativeness increases. blame is always placed on the full moon._____spent the night with shandi on friday. we tried getting her and D's massive screen/ projector to work- but alas it didn't happen. instead i walked her through the myspace.com process. here's a shout out for myspace.com -it is fun. so, just get an account already. Tom and i will be your friend, and no worries, there will be others. shandi made me a beautiful dish that her chef friend taught her- and yes, i forgot the name again. it is lovely though. we laughed and just were. it was nice. D's in germany until tuesday- so in a way it felt like we were in the dorms again. ___________saint paul:8-5 yesterday i had the CPR/PR class to take. it was long and boring. i attempted to be positive about it, but it was still long and boring. i did have a great partner. i want to call him sinclaire, but i don't think that is right. oh dear. it was just funny because he was doing the skills well, but than he'd breath way strong into the infant and the entire room could hear his breath- and we'd all crack up about rupturing the lungs. it would not funny at all but in training on annies it make for wonderful midday humor. he didn't want to do the hand thrusts on the back of the infant because it was a baby. and yes, he finally did but you could tell it took a lot out of him. if my child were choking, i would trust "sinclaire" to clear his airway. he is coming to rescue you world!_____tj maxx has some great clearances, i think the arrival of christmas time has beckoned the workers to move more tables with pretty material stuff out. oh, and peir one is wearing a christmas glaze. it might make you smile to enter their doors. _________went to see 'walk the line' with bethany, mark, jordan, becky and ezra. we came during the previews and it was fairly packed, so we didn't get to sit together, but the flim was worth viewing. and seeing those guys was good. becky is starting at northcentral in january, and jordan is now attending some free assoc. bible college in the cities. i mentioned to mark that in a lot of ways attending a bible school really did some damage, though i contradicted myself in the next statement- saying it was a good expeirence too and was worth it. that is about all i said, being vauge because i hadn't completely sorted my thoughts._______ **i feel religious. and i don't like it. i told god last night that i really want him to just be in fount of me. i would like to sit down and have some sort of hot drink, or maybe a white russian... perhaps just water. whatever. i want to see him. i would like to hear him tell me things that no one else knows. yeah, like that women in the bible. i have heard that he is holy and righteous, but i want to see his eyes. i would rather not read stories, about other peoples encounters. yes, i want to be beckoned to the bush and come back glowing and slient. yes, i want to know the man who died so that i would have a chance to live, this day and tomarrow. i would rather not sing songs that have become stangnat and monotone, to the only creator. if i am going to sing, i long for it to become an urgency out of the depths that i don't understand, not because i am prompted to with power point some well know "hit" on pretty christian stations.______see ya. love ya. yeah, i do. so, are you going to go to cub today? the ending is a good one. well... you are entitled to your own opinion. wa ha ha.

sNOW?

2005-11-14T16:01:00.000-06:00

i hope it snows tommarrow. i am off and i would like to make some molasses candy. ************************************************************************ hangin' out a boyceville elementary twirling my right foot. it's a beautiful day. ((i would like to buy a cookie sprizter gun, i would than like to wear it in a holster------- and shoot. no, i am not kidding. *my dad watched "how to lose a guy in ten days"- and kept laughing. i really like that he was cracking up pver a 'chick flick.' i mosked him, only a little.

and now it's friday.

2005-11-11T19:16:00.000-06:00

my face still hurts for crying with james william this morning. it was a good talk. long and good. and than i chatted with sarah. long and good. people are beautiful. aren't they. wow. ok, off to the possibally sold out play that the boyceville high schooler's are presenting! good bye.

thursday

2005-11-10T15:32:00.000-06:00

i am sitting next to my new friend in the small-town book hole. i am leaving so i can change out of my scrubs and write in a nice coffee place in yet another small town. i hope you are well. yeah, i am too.

honestly, come on.

2005-11-06T14:11:00.000-06:00

see. that wasn't too long. *i saw betty's parents on friday when i ran into the store to get the black pearl/ johnny depp/ pirate movie to finally add to my collection of worthy flims to actually have on hand all the time... (that one always reminds me of jolene... long lost jolene who is livin' it up in colorado.) so, betty... things are looking up at present for her. tears streamed down my face in k-mart as her mom and dad told me of incredible news. good. good. good. anyways, i drove to the apt. for second time that evening (i thought barb was still residing there.), and tap tap-- i could see betty from the door's window. she screamed. we hugged and talked and laughed and i meet the guy she is now with. paul, her brother, who is basically my brother-- finally got dressed- i am not saying anymore, and he told me about his new girl and his job. i hung out with her for the rest of the evening. though nobody won the blizzard scratch game and ashton's punk'd was blarring-- it was an amazing evening. and i am happy for her. *i have cold fingers. *i got on the computer to actually look for jobs in portland. i stumbled across some fine ones. but i am not planning on doing it. leaving. i was, for awhile i was. i read my "seattle" post i made last dec.. i am still antsy. but i am not content. someone told me this past summer that a new location, or a new job, or new relationships are not going to change your ability to be content. i want to run. my plan was to get out of this area, make new friends, discover truth, make a new idenity for myself, and say screw it to my past. it was going to be great. i was missing something though, and i think that something was that god is truth and reality and there is nothing more that i need. adventure is in him. i was craving adventure, and yet, because i see this god as a tame-ish, kind one, i forgot the truth. i have been reading job. job's trust in this god amazes me. and it is not a game for softies. he relies on the notion that his god is actual and without denying the one who made him he seperates truth from fantasy. i long to live honoring a god that cannot be compartmentalized into a saying on a t-shirt, or an article on a magazine- or hell, the thoughts in this girl's mind. god is more, and will always be more. and i love him because i don't get it. if i could understand his complexities, than he would be in no place to be the lord of all, now would he? *my saturn is paid for. oh, yeah the saturn no longer exists as it were. scrab metal somewhere, baby. but the loan is done. *i have chemistry books at home that i now have to study from. *i went running in the field yesterday. and i wore red so i wouldn't be shot down dead. *((someone left the nursing home through the window. yes, he was a resident. no, he is no longer living there. yes, i was on for that shift.)) *bethany and i and probably some others are going to the bradley hathaway show on tues. that should be good. *i think i am going to boston for new years. it seems to early to be talking about new years, but than again it is nov. i miss amber. *my parents were looking at a house on the lake in menomonie after church today. i haven't seen them yet to see how it went. **the following is a life that beckoning to me. **the following is quoted in brennan manning's signiture of jesus. --- I am a part of the fellowship of the Unashamed. I have the Holy SpiritPower. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made. I am a disciple of Jesus Christ. I won't look back, let up, slowdown, back away, or be still. My past is redeemed, my present makes sense,and my future is secure. I am finished and done with low living, sightwalking, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tame visions,mundane talking, chintzy giving, and dwarfed goals.I no longer need preeminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits, orpopularity. I don't have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised,regarded, or rewarded. I now live by presence, learn by faith, love bypatience, lift by prayer, and labor by power.My pace is set, my gait is fast, my goal is Heaven, my road is narrow, myway is rough, my companions few, my Guide is reliable, my mission is clear.I cannot be bought, compromised, deterred, lured away, turned back, diluted,or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in thepresence of adversity, negotiate at the table of the enemy, ponder at thepool of popularity, or meander in the maze ofmediocrity.I won't give up, back up, let up, or shut up until I've preached up, prayed up, paid up, stored up, and stayed up for the cause of Christ. I am adisciple of Jesus Christ. I must go until He returns, give until I drop,preach until all know, and work until He comes.And when He comes to get His own, He will have no problem recognizing me. My banner will be clear... (dr. moorehead, spoken by a martyr in africa.)--- hmmm. so i am still learning to continue and to have fun and to relize what it means to honor and follow the living god. dare i say LIVING? yep, i do.

composition notebook

2005-10-31T16:09:00.000-06:00

i discarded it for a bit. my beloved composition notebook. but i have enjoyed it's presence for the past several days and i am returning there for a while. this may only be a slight departure- away from the craze of online blogishness, where you would hardly relize my stepping out-- or... i don't know. hopefully i don't forget my password so that i may return, if i wish. *** fare well for now. continue on and have fun------ and seek truth. i heard it does exist. ((oh, my composition notebook and my cup of mint white hot cocoa awaits.)) splendid. (and how are you this hour?)

old people

2005-10-26T14:49:00.000-05:00

when did youthfulness become so appreciated, and the elderly, in turn- disregarded? nursing homes and various "wards" were supposedly the answer to this culture's disapproval. yet- the reputation i sense towards the majority of individuals i encounter, is an underlying disrespect for old people... i don't get it. isn't gray hair a gift from god? isn't there supposedly rich wisdom captured somewhere past the sparkled eyes?... *i feed a lady breakfast this morning and she just kept laughing. soon the entire table was laughing. it was contagious. i guess it usually is. *one man asked me what i knew for sure. i told him, "god is good." he replied, "you've got it," with a smeared grin. *another man taught me three german words. yes, i forgot them. *you know the story about the people who own a bunch of cats and just let them roam about. one lady showed me old pictures-- the lady she used to buy eggs from had over two hundred cats. though it was years ago that the photos were taken, this women could still not believe it as she handed the copies over for me to stare at as well. funny. it is. and i am glad the egg lady was not my neighbor. in fact i don't think i would buy eggs from her. no, i would not.

vowels.

2005-10-24T16:03:00.000-05:00

that is what some of the kids were taught this day. they are so enthusiastic about teaching me as well. HIGHLIGHTS. -- i walked around calhoun on sunday. it was brisk and lovely, and it made my cheeks way red. --sunday night i went to solomon's porch on 35th in minneapolis. the sense of community intrigues me. i may attend agian. no negatives-- and i was pushed beyond my cozy comfort mode... we'll see. --checked out an apt. in st. paul, with four others alreadly living there. the previously planned roommate thang didn't work because of a better finanical situation on her end, so now i am checking out other alternatives. it was a beautiful place, near grand ave.- so those fun shops are around too. ((bibleot and peir one... and nice little cafes that make pretty food.)) yeah. i am actually leaning towards "no" but it is a fun idea to play around with. --went to a wedding. the people being married make me proud. --austin gave me a huge hug. i haven't seen him for ages. ok... literally months but it feels like AGES. (he is betty's boy who is now in kindergarten, and i held him the day after he was born. oh baby. he might a well be a man.) --i drove down the our driveway with new eyes. --every other word in donald miller's book, "searching for god knows what," is a highlight. --eating pie that tina made. --hearing emma's heart. --looking at my painted purple fingernails. ***ha. nice. fare thee well.

.

2005-10-20T14:54:00.000-05:00

THE JOY OF CNA WORK WAS NOT EVEN AT ALL PRESENT TODAY. i sort of tried, but not really. it was one of those work shifts that... well, yeah... it wasn't too lovely. i wish i could share stories, but right now i must tend to my wounds and lick my bruises. ((that sounds absolutely discusting. gross.)) anyways. i am exhausted, and it is only 3 in the afternoon. i think i better go jump rope or color outside of the lines or something... maybe i will just eat. probably.

private road construction, eh?

2005-10-18T14:33:00.000-05:00

i really enjoy reading the blogs people write which explain their daily events, etc...: bethany- you said it yourself... (live journal, oh, live journal); kyle- it is seemingly just your way, as of late; brad- you do it at times. don't try to deny it. i like reading these, i truely do. however; when i try it myself-- i feel so boring. why is that? _so, today. i slapped my alarm at 4:00. fell back asleep. than awoke in a start, and toss my covers off. (how are you doing?) i dressed. i drove. i punched in. i dressed others... and now i am in front of a blaring screen. that is today-- so far... enough about today. ***i am questioning again. honestly, i am glad i am. it may be problematic if the wondering ceased. -i wonder about the way my opinions are formed. -i wonder about my lack of courage. -i wonder about the grass on "the other side." -i wonder about the people that wave through the window of the vehicle speeding by. -i wonder about seemingly petty things like overheard gossip about strangers i don't know, and the actual color of the sky above-- or if it is simply the way our eyes and brain react with one another, and the meaning of the book of revelation. -i wonder about human existance, and my heart aches-- though i am unable to pin point all of the reasons why. i think about the fact that i have money to live on for a long time, and how so many stomachs are hollow at present. i think about how the rest of this liberary is quiet right now, but how i am raging inside with a voice that i do not know how to still. i wonder about the god, who said it is a new day-- i think about how it seems to me this day is boring and drab. -i wonder about the lives of the people that i work for and next to. -i wonder about my own life, and i can't help but think that there must be more to this LIFE-- because by medical definations i am living, yet, by others senses-- i am far from it. still. i am here. and here is where i must live. *my neighbor died last week. car accident. *there is a truck/ bus accident that is all over the news right now. the truck driver was 22 yr.s old and had a suspended liscense. the bus was one amoung several that were returning from a band competition. it was a smaller school not an hour from where i grew up. *the earthwake aftermath. *the hurricanes that came and are scheduled to continue to come. *i am sure there is more. sad junk. crap that sucks. stuff that just shakes you up and can make a person, or many... crazy. i don't get. i know the "right" answers. but actually? i don't get it. it shakes me up to. *my other neighbors, that my mom just visited last night-- living, hurting, proverty, etc. i don't understand. i have a job that i complain about, but i can feast. my muscles ache, but my body moves. ... i could go on. i don't understand so much. why does the sky appear blue? why do people say they are fine when they are far from it? i don't know. i do know: i can not deny that god breathes life into those who seek him. that might be all i know today. that might be enough. ---do you think studios down by the river in st. paul, mn are way expensive? probably. perhaps, i will live by a tree. i do like trees. ---do you think i will have enough heat this winter to get a parakeet? there are free ones that were advertised in the paper. but you know... i really don't want to freeze an innocent bird either. ---i really enjoy the community stuff. ---i really do not like the sound of boasting. ---i sometimes think that "really" is approriate. this is contrary to the opinion of one admired english instructors. yeah. bye. really. good bye.

the green hair band that is around my wrist is worn, and it just may fall off today.

2005-10-17T16:01:00.000-05:00

i am with the girls and the boy. the elementary kids who's greastest form of supposed rebellion is the harry potter website-- they can go if their parents let them. and yes, at present, they are indulged in "weekly reader," the "cartoon network," and some "barbie" site. they were not interested in the puzzles that i brought. ((i had two "little mermaids" and others...)) last week, asked me college questions, and then shot the "are you a mom" one at me. i corrected them gentley. bethany cut my hair down by the river. it was outside, and it with breezy and beautiful. that was the first time for that expeirence. i got called into work the other day. i had to leave the house at 2 am. ridiculous. i ripped up my other nursing home application. ok. i am out. this day. i stopped at a red tree and plucked some of what it offered. god is a dang good artist.

a visit with plan b

2005-10-14T12:37:00.000-05:00

i am doing important work. like fin. aid junk, and job applications. i didn't plan on spending my day off this way, but i have also noticed that most individuals aren't open and available friday days... friday nights are when the parties are going full blown, and i am neatly tucked under my blanket at least this eve. reason i was not invited into their presence: leaving for texas, some planned conference, an exam, and the deaded "w" word ((work)). it is ok, all. and i hope the day was enjoyable. i read some more of tozer's book this morning, and some of luke-- than i checked out two nursing homes in this area, i drove through a stop sign, and i tried to wink at someone (i am not an excellent winker), i ate kix, i drove down a one way- the wrong way, i went to goodwill, and i worked on the nessesary tasks- those forms i like to set aside. now i am racing the woman next to me with finger typing speed. she is a tad quicker but i am definatly gaining ground. i think i will go eat a bagel and get my hair cut, and smell autumn for a bit. and enjoy more of this day that i am not scheduled to work. it will be fun.

elmwood's book loaner place

2005-10-11T15:11:00.000-05:00

it is way tiny. they have a couch with books on the upholstery. they charge 25 cents for a black and white print-out. and the liberarian asked if i knew how to get onto google. i smiled. she was sweet. she still is. anyways. its downtown and the outside is painted like books on a shelf. i think the place is rather cozy. but yeah, i am not really in a writing mood-- just stopping by. ((i had to get my pin for fin-aid.)) and while i was here i had a strong urge to put another plug in for tozer's book. "born after midnight." i have been through the first chapter alone, four times. i read it outloud to my parents and was refreshed, awakened, and convicted during those as well. i found myself paused and in awe about the words that were crying out on the page. seriously. and not in some cheesy religious way. tears streamed down my face, and something "else" was peirced with truth. this man knew a lord that, dare i say, many do not know. "many," this scares me. i was chatting with my mom about churches on sunday. and this hour, is not the hour to enter again into that conversation. i just wonder, how many who claim that they know jesus christ actually know... have actually encountered. the absolute holy one. the creator of the universe. the one who knows our deepest "hidden" secrets. this i wonder. ((and tozer's book, encourages truth to be actually found. scott, recommended it to me more than two years ago. oh, how i wish i would have sought the book out with a greater urgency than... so, i pass on that recommedation. and, if i could do it again i wouldn't wait another day to locate a copy.)) *and i am done. i hope you heard the plug, but more than that i hope you are real, in the identity you profess-- whatever idenity that is. i hope i am real, with that in which i profess as well. love you all, me

and the leaves fall.

2005-10-09T12:25:00.000-05:00

my mind is swimming. it feels heavy and it sort of hurts. i was up until about 2.30 last night. 12 hours prior, i sat in an building that spoke beauty and history from it's very bricks...bethany, sarah and i, watched an amazing performance of men and women alike, twirl and move with A- perscision (in my opinion). i envy their flow and flexability. i long for strong toes as well-- but i am not will to work my body in those ways. so, i will watch and admire and appreicate their skill and artistry and athletic drive. and i will try to clap at the appropriate times. we'll see. jade and his family were there. it was fun to see him; i wonder if his arm has to be twisted quite a bit to get there-- as he didn't seem thrilled to be present. i also saw heidi. she is a wonderful young mom, who totally knows how to make people feel welcome for who they truely actually are. she has the best smile. i worked with her a couple years ago, and have seen her several times since then. it was a treat to be able to chat with her for a moment. there is a neat family who i know from living word chapel that was in the audience as well. these people care and you can tell is be simply being in their presence. amy and mike showed amazement along with their two small girls about the show. it was nice to see them together and connecting. after the preformance i had planned to head to the liberary and get some forms printed out. (((the tech. school that i am looking into attending in january has requested several other things before i can be placed on the waiting list for the nursing program. it is pretty incredible how is is looking at present. because i already have a b.s., many of my generals will simply transfer over. i already have my c.n.a. lisense so that saves three weeks of time (and that is if i would have gotten into a place right away). my act scores totally passed their minimum. so what is left is that i have to take a CPR course through the Red Cross *which i am trying to get into one on nov. 19th at present. and i need to take a chemisty test. so that is it, a chem. test (which i could have had if i didn't relentlessly fool around in my high school class. yeah. i ended up with a c-, but plenty of memories of broken beakers and various co2 cartliege stories.) and an 8 hour class in st. paul... i am kind of excited. so we will see...))) but i didn't leave menomonie-- we went to a thrift store and i bought a leather jacket- it was 6 bucks and it is great. it is carmel in color; i also got an eightiesish zip-up stripped hoodie to go underneath. bethany scuffed up the hoodie's edgeing for a more "you're my sweatshirt and i am pretending to the world right now that we have expeirenced things together, even though you just came of the rack and your previous owner seemingly never took you out to play-- let not be proper, my friend, my hoodie-- let's allow your look to establish openness during our time together at all times." i think that is what we were going for. it was lovely with them. sarah apt. is quaint in a really good why. she has a hot neighbor... he doesn't know how to hook up rabbit ears, but i suppose he can be excused. we slurped up noodles and played truth or dare- minus the dare. bethany wasn't up to running around the house naked, or whatever. pumkin spice cappicino in now at your local holiday stores. go already. after an exhausting, wonderful "game" of truth. i buddled up and proceeded to get home. my parents were scheduled to be around. they returned from their eastern escapade, hopefully with a blueberry pie for me... i check the mail box at our driveway, and i was plesantly surprised to find a magazine and two packages with my name attached. i didn't even think about a bomb scare-- perhaps that should always be in the back of my mind. yeah. no. my amazon books. yea. i received "capivating" by eldridge, which yeah i don't know-- but i have read parts and decided a bit ago that i would like my own copy to mark up. and... "born after midnight" by tozer, which i read a chapter of last night to the dim blaze of a wearing out flashlight, and wow. is it going to be one of my favorites. i can tell. than, i slept. and i dreamt. but i don't remember what it was about. now, i am leaving to hear tales about maine and long lost relatives and my darling sister and the ocean. but, before i drive home, i will buy milk-- like a good daughter would. blah.

october

2005-10-06T15:17:00.000-05:00

that word looks funny. did i spell it wrong? it just looks odd and out of place. --- yesterday evening i wrote with a pen on a green hued notebook. it hasn't been a long time since "i wrote," however; it has been quite a while since i took out a notebook an dilbertly wrote thoughts that could at some point turn into more than sentences on a tablet- with an ink pen in my clentched fingers. anyways. i have been challanged recently by god and others-- and you know i have just realized more so that it really isn't going to be easy. (obedience) for some reson i thought it would be easy. but it is not. anyway. i wrote about bobby-pins. just in case you all are wondering. ***i like fall. i want to super glue the colorful leaves back on the branches. so i think i would, if i had a tall ladder and a long extension cord, and a bunch of donated glue sticks. come on. who else like fall? ((and when it rained earlier this week, my smile was unstopable. seriously. unstopable. it was just there. all day long. than i fell asleep, and it was still present. *if anyone ever needs assistance with sandbagging- call me.)) today: i decided to write down the things that come out of old people's mouths instead of common foul language. maybe. so, i didn't decide for sure yet. not quite yet. my list has begun. and i won't shred it today. AND in two months it will be my birthday. i just noticed. )enjoy today.(

i am with the dancer girls

2005-10-03T16:35:00.000-05:00

oh. i like it. our first session is over. i had 5 girls. and the second has begun. there is only one. she is playing "pizza party pick-up" on the disney site. hilarious. though it does look fun.((elementary boyceville girls after school ballet and tap classes.))

i wanted to write something...

2005-09-28T15:06:00.000-05:00

but i am not too sure what direction i am currently headed as my finger's-on-the-keys get ahead of me slightly. maybe i wanted to mention that it is lonely in the woods when i don't have much money to set a side for excursions. maybe i wanted to talk about how i am reilaizing more so that people relationships are essential. perhaps i wanted to state that i really do not enjoy washing dishes-- even when the music is playing loudly and i am dancing about in something fun-- the dishes are still not inviting. it could be that i wanted to talk about the squash i had for lunch or the way the rain streaked down every window i peered out this morning and how it refreshed my very inards. maybe i wanted to talk about the laptop that i saw advertised and currently believe it is a worthwhile investment. perhaps i do want to talk about me. even though my socks are mismatched and i had a funny black marker smear across my hand today. even though i have again applied at another (job) location. even though... i still talk about me. i am still absorbed in my self, and my views and my opinions. i still crave for them to be heard. do i long to be pitied? understood? appreciated? probably. i wish it were different. i want to give again and not mind my giving going unnoticed. i long to see people once more as valuable treasures and peices of magnificent creation. i desire to know love. not some sappy romantic junk. rather the depth of genuine adoration and respect and grace poured upon. not nessicarly the care that another offers to a friend, but instead the courage it requires to honestly befriend a stranger with a stained reputation. i want to learn agian how to care. and as i quickly usher this information-- i wonder what it will require of me. me= a girl who dispises dishes. enough about me. i must ask another how they are. i must ask another how their heart beats these days. so i will.

crab legs, ...stalking is exhausting..., a pinched pinky, and girly girl scouts, etc.

2005-09-24T15:54:00.000-05:00

welcome to my filtered-for-readership mind. hi.

karen and dad: (mom said she kind of likes it when i address her the way the majority of the world does. though i typically mention her name in a jokingly-i'm-so-old, and so-are-you manner. notice how i am now attempting to seriously approach this new-call-your-parents-by-their-first-name-thing. dad, or james william... stated that he would continue to like to be mentioned or beckoned to, by that same noise that come out of my mouth when i was about two. so, dad-- i will continue to do my best. *i am grinning. i like those people.) my parents left for an east coast trip. in fact they drove through NY city yesterday-- and if i were with them, we WOULD HAVE stopped to view oliver twist on the big screen. __if you a presently in NY or LA, go see it. come on, you totally have a week on the rest of the nation! take advantage of that privledge already!-- they get to meet the man (mass.) that amber is serious about... that's cool.-- and go to my mom's side reunion (maine) and expeirence faces and laughter that has not been see or heard in many years. and hang out at the ocean. and eat lobster. oh-my-delicious. ((thus my reasoning for pondering moreso the amazing buttered crab legs that i consumed the other evening. even though i am unable to see the waves, i am still able to feast upon the creatures of the deep. delightful seafood, i like you. thank you for making my tastebuds happy.)) and they'll probably eat cake. i don't know, but i would bet big money on it. usually at larger events-- don't people usually eat cake?
a question was brought up a bit ago. when you exchange casual information with another person (whom you don't really know), one person or both saying that it would be fun to hang out-- do you call them back? i am sure the person i was speaking with didn't ask the question in the exact same way that i just pronounced it, though similar... this question was pertaining to the scores of cell phone numbers stowed away (friend thing/ non romantic thing), it may pertain to the numerous email addresses that have been filed electronically... we chatted, and discussed, and attempted to solve the dileama of lack of community, within 47 minutes. just in case, you're wondering-- the issue is not "fixed." just in case, you're wondering-- i believe christ-like living requires community. i think it is much more scarey to 'open up' when one has only been 'closed,' than to be a contestent on Fear Factor... because on the reality program, you have away-from-camera's-view-helper-emergency-people in case anything may go wrong... than, of course, if the god i serve is the same god described in the bible, than, well... heck, bring on the community moreso. connect with the hordes that just sit in the filed address books. one muttered comment was STALKING IS EXHAUSTING which i think is true. every time. ((with people there is an obvious point of annoyance leading to unhealthy crap leading later to possible danger, here me shout: r.e.s.p.e.c.t.)) however, now is see that statement could protray truth in more cirrcumstances... GO COmmUNiTY, because people want it bad-- a lot of people it seems. go coMMunIty. RAHH. RAHH. RAHH. (ha)
and yes, my dang pinky was smashed by gordon's side rail. it still hurts. i know this because i keep pressing down on it to see if the pain is still present. why do we do that? inflecting pain upon oneself. shoot.
the girl scouts are making beaded things in the back room and listening to cheesy pop music. i used to like in a sort of peer pressured way.
i want soup. some thick, creamy soup. i am not sure what kind.---i mailed my last september bills today. it sort feels like i am prematurely bidding my "i wish i could see you again but i NEVER will"'s to september. but i guess that is just how it works.--- the leaves are turning.--- avery is dead. i sort of want a cat. probably not really. i just want something to pet and feed. it is like unhealthly relationship searching after a breakup, i suppose. i don't really know. but maybe. anyways. i am not a cat person. but i would really like to have a little kitty for about a week. than i might not recall avery's death... only the other times.--- last weekend i dressed up and played guestbook lady/presents girl/blue drink server at a good friend's wedding. it was beautiful; the guestbook was, and the wrapping paper, and yes, i was partcularly fond of the laddle... well, and the bride= no doubt: stunning, groom= handsome, for real and the ceremony; beautiful. i was able to reconnect with one of my friends from high school. he is a navy man-- weird, and he has a house-- that is so weird. weird, meaning very neat, i am excited for him, we are so old (but not really-- i take care of a lady who is 103.)... and it is weird, and neat, and exciting to see where he is at now. oh matt. i am proud of you friend.---wonder what's up with hurricane rita. i have only heard little and read before-it-hits-land-predictions...--- i ran out of gas for the first time. i was on the interstate. i was more frustrated that anything else because i could see a sign for the next exit being only one mile away. it was nice to stop a cop, instead of vise-versa. bethany was my first hero. and aaron was my second. he and bethany work together to jump-start my little petrol eater. positive to postive, negative to negative. *yeah. we put gas into it. but than the battery was dead. i totally wish i had a camera. i saw too huge crated trucks with pumpkins. if that doesn't speak fall/autumn, than i don't even know. it was nice to be rescued.---i get to sleep in past four a.m. tommarow. what about yourself.--- sleep tight. when you get there.

that is plenty. now into your mind. shall we delve? ha. let it be a good day. and yes, it is your turn.

avery kersting

2005-09-19T10:56:00.000-05:00

you will be missed smelly, beloved dog. you will be missed. RIP

i have this book...

2005-09-12T18:19:00.000-05:00

it is on the smallish side. it is red, and hardcovered. across the center it reads P A S S I O N. and than in the bottom right corner, letters are formed together to read every day. it is a blank book except for these thought-provoking quotes on the bottom edges of the paper as you flip through. (i have made it into a planner thing. not because i am in the mood to be artsy-- nope. i simply ran out of money to purchase predated sheets.) here is today's quote ***err, i am making it be today's quote. enjoy. "Follow your desire as long as you live." -PTAH HOTEP. i don't think i will attempt to alter the fonts for a while. that was sort of an exhausting process._______________ the computers are still dead at home. the liberary does wonders.________________for labor day i visited my grandparents. my grandpa's cancer is on the rise, so that is kind of tough. he is 83 and drives way fast. i always think that it may be the last time my feet touch solid ground every time i get in his vehicle with him. funny adventures. they had a bowl of chocolate kisses that were within eyesight basically the entire time i was there. they really enjoyed the camera phone on my mom's new cell phone._______________ (these words don't got together: mom, cell phone.) oh, and i wasn't invited in on the family plan that my younger sister and parents set up with their new communication method. hilarious. now i simply watch with a shake of my head as they venture out to the left corner of the porch to gain reception.__________ i am looking into apartments in hudson, wi. it is a beautiful boarder town. it is definatly a large town. i wasn't looking at large towns! (i was craving a big city-- not in the midwest region) however... as i have been talking with individuals for the long while... and finally pausing to tie some of it together more recently, it seems the this is the next step. i am thinking a couple years rights now, and that is what is running through my mind as i consider some more things that are revealing themseves... the idea of nursing has raced through mind A LOT. i still wish god would hand me a peice of paper about exactly how this life is to unfold but it seems that i am finalizing some decisions that have been long awaited. peace, for real- has taken over when last week, i first spoke these ideas. now, i must see about enabling them to come about and not simply running with my pipe-dreams._________________i was in the cities over the weekend. it was refreshing. it was nice to know that i am still able to be a defensive driver.________ two of my uncles are in new orleans- helping where they are able to. i long to go. they're might be an oppurtunity to get down there with the church my parent's attend. we will see. for tonight i stand in the northern woods and i pray, for that situation and others.______ night all. i enjoy comments. any kind. (funny-- how did that happen?) *where lays your passion?

a list for one who misses classes. (only one tear trickles down.)

2005-09-06T16:19:00.000-05:00

several new notebooks. lotsa pencils. two pens-- black/ medium ball point. a calaculator-- the fancy scientific, way expensive ones that i loan out mid-october and never see again. one plastic backpack-- that my bored 'creative' fingers scribble all over. smelly markers-- because i am now teacher-aged. and a good squared eraser-- the yellowy ones. ***current list subject to change/ expand/ evolve... ENJOY SCHOOL ALL YOU LUCKY DUCKS WITH HEAVY BACKPACKS, SORE SHOULDERS, AND DUMB BUSY WORK. yes. i am yelling. ENJOY IT. bye.

new orleans

2005-08-31T19:30:00.000-05:00

insurance company closed due to hurricane. i was mad. raging. now i just wait for the winds to clam themselves so i can call again.

2005-08-26T19:54:00.000-05:00

((welcome to the evening's Long Blog. the title was meant to forewarn of length alone.))

*I CAN not continue any longer down this path that I have been trudgging. *Dry are my eyes. They crave tears. My heart is on the verge of being broken. I cling for control and yet that is what must be lost. *His name is freedom. My eye are fixated upon his and I can not help but lust. I have grown up to understand that lust is a wrong act. Something by which I must run from. This attraction is not impure, this attraction I feel has been motivated by the very one who enables me to breath. Freedom simply lives. I long for that. *I laughed at the girls who envied her. She was my friend. I loved her. I had reason to envy her. But it is hard to truly love someone and truly envy someone at the same time. Believe me, I tried. *"Tell the story." A voice echoed within my hurting body. I grasped to unearth the words that did not naturally flow from the depths of my existance. I dug to capture my raw emotional insight, but my mind remained clouded and in pain. The thoughts could not be roped to be put on display at moments notice. __________I am not sure when I wrote that. I just found the words that were strung together hidden away electronically… As for my voice tonight; here goes. The week has been busy. Quite. I have really enjoyed most parts of it though tonight I am exhausted and my reflection looks tired. The shift I work at present is from 5:30 am until 2:00 pm. It has been a good change from my typical afternoon and evening shifts. It has been neat to see the new day peeking out from the edge of darkness. I like getting off at 2:00 and knowing that there was a period in my life that I didn’t even get dressed for the day until the clock read pm of some sort. It has been nice.___ I had a crazy overload of evening plans this past week. It seems that my new availability times have been taken advantage of, in a good way. Conversations were laced with vulnerability. Laughter was found in an atmosphere of trust. And sarcasm lingered slightly. Details withheld. If you really want to know I will inform. But, perhaps you don’t and yeah… I am not in the mood to write them out if you don’t really want to hear. ENOUGH. Good times with old friends and new friends and ducks.___________My lovely friend, Shandi, was brave enough to confront me about some things about myself that I did not see. I have wanted to pick up and get-out-of-town for a long while. I have been antsy. She enlighten me about my relationship tendencies: great with interactions with strangers, bad at the bridge from acquaintances to friends, loyal with those whom are choosen companions. In other words, I have a lot of "friends" but few whom I truly consider my FRIEND, persons I am able to just BE while I am in their presence. So, it takes me a long time to make these FRIENDs. …therefore… if I run far, my network will not be as near as it is at present. (…but I have these sorts of FRIENDs throughout this nation and others… hmmm. Maybe Shandi just wants me around physically a bit longer. Ha.)_______I was supposed to go to a fish fry tonight with Christa, whom I met while I was working at the shop. We are going to do it next week hopefully because of exhaustion it is not happening this eve… The pictures down below are of my last day at the shop. They all wrote little notes on a blanket and the break table’s room was filled with flowers and gifts (those incredible velcro shoes!) and food. Anyways. I have been up to visit and it has been good. Tough to leave. Time to leave. Tonight when Christa and I chatted on the phone—it seemed as if I worked there yesterday._________Plans. I don’t know. I am realizing finally that it is ok to not know. So, yeah—I still have new ideas and new inklings every other day. I will need to choose and just go after that, in a bit—but tonight, I think it is ok to not really know. Tomorrow will take care of it’s self, eh? I think I have heard that somewhere._________ My parents were just informed recently that they could go to Sudan to work with a missionary from my uncle’s church if they are interested. So, new things are unfolding. We’ll see. ________Emma is planning on heading to UW Superior to study Art Therapy on Tuesday. I think she should join a sorority.___ I actually just got done on the phone with Amber. She knows hot guys I could make out with but not to have a crush on because they are flaky. Next time I get to Boston, I’ll just meet them. Funny. Anyways. She is good. Her birthday is really soon. Thee forth. I like her a lot. Not just because I am supposed to like her/ love her—nope. I actually really enjoy her and I wish I could attend the-movie-viewing-through-the-projector-while-I-am-in-a-plastic-lawn-chair-arranged-in-the-back-yard-of-one-of-her-friend’s-place with her…that would be nice. But instead I am typing a really long blog, and I am writing you—whomever you are. Do you want to tell me who you are? I am leaving. Nowish. Until next time.

-***-, I forgot that this computer is unable to connect up with the scanner. No ALCO pictures it seems. It is like a movie. Little shops with vests and tags and highschoolers and old people. It could totally be a movie. Emma and I think so.

doctor's order

2005-08-15T16:36:00.000-05:00

i had another near-fainting-event at work today. this time i actually had a banana, an english muffin, a large handful of rasins, two slices of toast spead each heavily with peanut butter and strawberry jam, gushing about "somewhere" within me. anyways after i turned pastey in color and managed to regain my vocal abilty, they tested my blood sugar and proceeded to wheel me over to the next door clinic. i sat in the little room shivering as the sun was beating down through the window-- so, yeah. that was my surreal event of the day. the test came back negative for diabeties. the doctor said i should be carrying hard candies around for emerencies... after some "life" returned to my face, i went back to work. of course, i paused at the gas station afterwards to pick up a roll of life savers-- and the implications of that didn't occur to me until this instance.___________ hmmm. in sixth grade our class went on a field trip to a huge county park. i was off tromping throughout the trails with some of my classmates. laughing, and shouting, and running with abrupt halts do not make for a great combination for any kid with asthma. after a hacking fit with sudden gasps for a possible breath... i yelled for chocolate. someone had a peice shoved in their pocket and it was soon in my mouth. with reassuring friends at my side i was brought back to the main site, no longer hacking. (i think its the caffine in chocolate... coffee is good as well... for asthma attacks.) funny. anyways, my asthma is basically nonexistant now. enough about ailements. that word looks wrong.____________ it was bethany's birthday yesterday. i like her a lot. people like her a lot. i hope she knows that. you would like her... if you don't already. for real. but, it is so much more than her "like-ability." she is a filteration of creative genius. she is wickedly hilarious. she weeps about and over people and souls she has never encountered to this day. i sound like i am trying to convince you. whatever. she just is beautiful and i can't help spewing a mini- list. so today is her first full day of being deemed 23 in age. yup._______ god has been consistent. and holy. and worthy. and it is like, when the day is considered done in my mind-- he asks me how it was. and again, in my tracks, i am stopped. there is a holy living god -alive and dwelling and i can simply answer his question of how i am, of how my day was... and he wants to hear. and he wants to respond. and than he is still here when i don't "hear" his question. so god is holy... do you know that this hour? do i know that this hour?__________________ picklefest is this weekend. that is boyceville's big hurrah. there are big dill pickles for sale and whoever win's the road race gets a metal pikle with a face and "in action" limbs. small town celebrations the are definatly memorable. the kerstings are having a garage sale at the hanger with the gray door both friday and saturday. i am selling a purple electric guitar and t-shirts from jr. high. come quickly! the prices are hot! ______________ the popsicle that i am eating dripped on the keyboard. thats it. i am leaving. fare thee well.

i guess it is broken for real.

2005-08-10T15:57:00.000-05:00

((the computer at home.)) anyways, i should have used "e" instead of "a" in the manly word of my last post. i know this. i am sort of sorry. sort of.... the interview went well. the p.c. one-- it more or less had me in my traveling mode, and i enjoy that very much. but i must focus moreso on "street kids" - that is the only clear direction i have at present (and i have had for awhile, but i liked tossing it towards the back because after a bit it wasn't "new and exciting" to me.). so, i am back in my saving mode and moving out in january mode and now it is to a big city. city that has numerous options in the direction i am actually sure about. so the p.c. is likly to be revisited but, perhaps not at this time. we'll see. shandi and d are living in a little yellow house. mr. rodgers, i miss you. i got a job and quit a job and got a new job yesterday all within like four days. i am not sure how i feel about that considering i have like 15 jobs on my work history list-- and no i don't list the ones i have held for two days total. i must work on my commitment.

ladies and gentleman, welcome to august

2005-08-02T13:37:00.000-05:00

and i am coming out of the dark corner just for a moment... thursday. in like two days, thursday. i have an interview with peace corp. so, yup. it has been a long process thus far and i am sure it will continue to be no matter the outcome of the meeting. that's all. i have to shave my legs,... and i want to shave my legs for this initial impression. so, pray if you would. for whatever god wants. because really when i stop with my petty indulgences, that is what i want. enjoy this day. because, it will never agian be. ((my right shoulder hurts. maybe i am having a growth spurt right there. what if that shoulder suddenly grew a lot? and only that one? ok, now i look silly as i am grinning a silly grin. it is probably not a growth spurt.)) IT'S AUGUST! *the ice cream in stillwater is a good augusty treat. trust me. just kidding. prove it to your own tounge. it is one block of myrtle street.

my fingers want to dance a bit

2005-07-27T23:36:00.000-05:00

I put in my notice today at work. Yes, I cried. Back to nursing assistant work. I get to hang out with the wise once again. So, my desktop was hit by lightning last week—and it seems the modem is a bit screwed up, though the fan still works… Anyway, I am back on the laptop that was given to me while I was in Australia by the generosity of the Paige family. STORYTIME: Basically, my loaned-to-me laptop was sitting in a somewhat secure location (so I thought), it peeked out from under the bed. The wind reached in and wrestled with something on the bed-stand, which in turn knocked over a roll of film… The film turned over several times, than landed on the peeked out park of the laptop with enough force to shatter a layer of the screen lining. It was too expensive to fix… foreign parts and what-have-you. So I opted to mope around a bit. I had only been in the country for several weeks… in the country for schooling, and my supposed method of assignment completion was messed up. I am going to cut out some crazy parts from the middle but the ending is the good part anyway… The Paige family, the elderly couple who loves Jesus and truly exemplifies generosity knocked on my host family’s door and offered the computer to me. I thanked them and told them that I would return it in June. They looked deeply at me, and replied, “Keep the computer. We only ask one thing… Use it only to give God glory.” And I still thank them… So, now I find myself back on here reading old assignments I wrote, and old letters and email responses that I had transferred into a Word doc. for convenience sake while I was over there, and now I find them undisturbed--as if they were hidden away in some time capsule... I could write more. And another day I will, but slumber and rest beckons me again. Oh, my dad is heading off to EAA tomorrow. He is a pilot. Yeah, I am boasting. That is a darn big accomplishment I would have to announce. He is excited. It is one of those summer ventures he likes to do, and he almost wasn’t able to make it this year. But, the tides changed and he is heading off super early tomorrow morning. I am excited for him. Just in case you haven’t noticed…

the daughter of a librarian

2005-07-22T20:49:00.000-05:00

the moon wants to come up. it won't. not quite yet. the summer sun lags. that is the truth. it is slow. and it lags. i think it keeps shining for all of the kickball games that are not even nearly over at 8:30 pm. that is what i think. that is why the summer sun lags. and the moon has to wait. it all comes backs to kickball. the same one you were taught in first grade.__ yes, i am a daughter of a librarian. yes, i am in the facilty after the sign on the outside reads "closed." *wells fargo keeps me in-line, money-wise because i am bad at writing in the little book. *blogs don't keep me awake at night, but they do tend to offer perspective during the daylight hours. *hotmail controls my emotions. i am lying. i hope you know that. *random organizational sites make me wonder about my tomarrows. *yahoo maps offer timed direction. that is cool. i wish other sources offered timed direction. ...trust... oh, yeah. trust.____this weekend consists of an interview. and the bubble baby shower. and betty parent's surprize anniversary party. and swimming at a hotel. and the housesitting people coming home to their home i like calling my home. and sunday school. and challanging-randy-dean-messages-from-jesus-church. and a bridal shower for my hot friend. that might be it on the agenda. did i mention i don't like agendas. i don't. lists are ok. but agendas feel more permenant to me, and thats not fun. oh, and i am going to have fun. i have already decided. but i should go. because the police station is downstairs and yeah... i should maybe go. tonight i get to do dishes and feed the dog and do laudry-- with the music as loud as i please. and i could talk to myself if i wanted to and it wouldn't be deemed weird. perhaps, it would-- but no one but uma will be there. it is friday night and i am alone. and i am so looking forward to loud music. ('shoot hoops' (it seems weird for me to say that, but that is what i did) i did "that" with cat stevens singing to me yesterday's eve. and the stars and the moon looked on. good times. though i have a terrible aim and not very stong arms. it was still good.)

this computer works fast

2005-07-16T22:46:00.000-05:00

i am on the second housesitting adventure. the dog's name is Uma--she is huge and has massive black fur-- and they have an amazing flower garden... i hope i don't kill any of the plants. so, i get to use their quick-running internet service, and eat their food for a week. nice. i hope they have fun on their venture. ***this afternoon's wedding was lovely. we were dripping sweat and i was glad i was a girl and wearing a sundress, rather than a boy and wearing dress pants. the consideration of chopping off my hair did pass rather quickly through my mind; no sissors yet. the bridesmaids wore black... yeah, it was hot. it was good to be in attendence though. ***i hung out a bit after the ceremony but i didn't end up going to the reception. i had some thinking to do. i began traveling towards home but i opted to go a different way. i stopped at this sandstone cliffish thing on the side of the road. the last time i had gotten out at this destination, i probably was age ten. seriously. anyways, i was now in different attire, and i found myself climbing this sandy slope with pen and notebook in hand. i kicked the fine dust and it avalanched down. after forcing the sand off various sides for about twenty minutes i just stood there. and i continued the process of myself being placed rightly before the only god that was and is. i asked him questions. he didn't verbally answer. i asked more. still no noise from the one that is holy. a lot of my questions had "why" as their prefice. "why was i born in the usa?" "why here in wisconsin?" "why do i know the people i do?" "why have you revealed yourself to the deepness of who i am?" "why?"-- the list continued, and than some more. i asked him questions about himself. questions that do not deny that he is more than i could even wonder or imagian. i am not sure. i am being changed more so. religion discusts me. hyporocisy discusts me. pettyness discusts me. but i am also seeing that what i see as petty-- others depict as a catostapic event... i want to be about want really actually matters, but i keep hearing good godly individuals speak of sparkle evangelism-- being extra friendly and nice and than pray for oppurtunities. im not sure i agree, at all. -------------there is a song that goes--"i don't want to be a flame, i want to be a raging fire..." ------- the time on the sandy mount is now valued, even though as i came down i crashed upon my right leg and i thought i may have broken it. geeze. ***so, now i might get a stick sift from my neighbor and pay only a little. it might be like driver's ed all over again. but i would feel tough. we'll see, presently, i still drive the van. yes, thee big and bad van. ***penny informed me that she bought blow-up floaty things. i want the river. actually, wouldn't that be fun- to float in the late night- watch the stars and have your feet immersed? now that is good.

T day.

2005-07-14T23:11:00.000-05:00

the high school reunion is in the process of being planned- we are just going to do it. i want everyone to show. it might happen, right? yeah... reality. to me that is the sad part. truly that their are some kids that i went to school with from kindergarten through senior year, and i won't see them agian. i might. statistics shout something else-- but i MIGHT see them all at the get together that someone deemed a "reunion."
i figured out my bills on a hunk of cardboard tonight. it was more nice than the stark white of many notebook papers.
i found a dubbed copy of pink floyd in my room and i am currently allowing his lyrics and noise thrash about in my head. i have no idea where it come from. i hope i am not a theif.
the new harry potter books came in today. i heard that a copy leaked out prior to the release date of the 16th. that is not good. i will be vauge and say it happened east of the mississippi because it did, and i presently do not recall the state, town, zip code, numbered registar, or appearance of the customer it was supposedly sold to. i just don't. inform yourself. i only will provide "east of the mississippi" to wetten your tastebuds. i have yet to read her books-- though i hear she is an author that has the abilty to really pull the readers in.
two weddings this weekend. saturday afternoon. sunday evening. my tan lines are in the wrong spots but that can be worked on. the celebrations will be beautiful, i am sure. they are both for friends. i am not in either, which is kind of a nice change from last year. i get to watch and witness and be present on a day that will not be forgotten for the rest of their lives. sunday's is for a good friend from high school. we kept in touch casually throughout the college years and when i was supposed to meet this guy (whom she is now marrying) for the first time-- i accidently slept through our planned breakfast. i have yet to live it down. she recently told me that he still randomly asked if he'll ever get to met to friend who stood us up. only a couple more days buddy. of course, he won't actually remember because he'll totally be enamored with the fact that he is in the process of marrying a stunning women, a hot volleyball player, and a super teacher to little ones and older a like. saturday's will be lovely. i recall meeting with this one as she spoke with such grace about the man who she allowed her heart to open to in vulrability. i remember the words that were cloaked in confidence. i can envision now the sparkles in her smitten eyes. they will be neat displays that i get to witness. i hope my shoes are confortable.
i am going back to roundish nails.
look up, the sky is amazing.

Tonight's dissection ritual

2005-07-12T00:35:00.000-05:00

“Real fruit filling“ that is not REAL at all. A Sunburn I am excited about. Sweat must be a part of life, right? The sparkly round big fireworks. Small rapids that I wish were much larger. Knuckle wrinkles. Beef jerky. ALCO vests. Piercing eyes. Surreal-meeting-up-with-Tyler-and-others-event, (Tyler= a fellow weekend hang-out-er from pre and early high school, who grew up and now is not shorter than me, and does cool computery stuff in some southern state. His jet plane left. Weird.) James returned from Brazil. (No stories yet, he was delirious from sleep deprivation. Instead, we all sat about and enjoyed the invention of catch phrase and each other. Oh, funny and fun.) Tattoos. Routine and routine interruption. Water. Cold foot, hot foot. Non-acetone. Dedication. Worthy Numb3rs. Make-out scenes. Christmas in July. Long applications. Bad posture. Long cords. The clearance gun that makes me believe I truly am a super power-- in fact, just call me… let me know. “Green Ticket” doesn’t sound as super power-y as I would like to be. Scrubs. “Life’s calling…” Nutty bars. Amazing Cliff bars. I am making no sense, that is, I don’t think I am. I am not really trying to be messy and random and chaotic with my thoughts, but that is the way they are rushing out. Someday I will look back on the notes taken from life that I jotted down on this fine day and I will write another great classic that will steal the adventurous hearts and minds of the young and old a like. I haven’t written a classic- others have. I am attemping to clarify thee “another” but whatever-- maybe I already have written the classic and “another” does refer to hard work of my behalf. Believe what it is, you will.) Yup. Ok, so I like the sunburn but my shins hurt slightly. I don’t bite my nails any longer and I am trying the squareish look for a change. Round was nice. Actually, I am just trying to figure out an appropriate length and such-- because I have realized that since I am not qnawing them off I better do something with them. Long talons with stars was my first idea. It is not a big deal, but it is a deal. Reunions. So, I think I have to plan ours. It is July and yeah. My graduating class numbered 63 individuals and I know of a larger handful that are in the area so it is not really a huge issue but, I’m not sure… really, I have to get a hold of another one of our “class leaders”-- we really didn’t know that this reunion responsibility would fall on our shoulders when we were ‘up for election.’ Anyways, I have to check and see this week because if we didn’t have one that would be a bit sad. It is really crazy to think that I have been out of high school for five years. It sort of went quite fast--that is my opinion, today. Ha. This prose is total like Rice Krispies and Fruit Loops and Lucky Charms and Granola-- all mixed together. I’d pick out the marshmallow rainbows, if I were reading it. I would consume those first-- then I would opt to devour a chunk of sweetened oats. Delicious.

do you snore?

2005-07-10T03:05:00.001-05:00

it's ok. don't feel obligated to reply. so, i hope you are sleeping. you are right, i am not-- but i still hope you are. the day was good. just returned to the cabin in the woods, sheesh. i bought a great dress for cheap that i plan on going dancing in really soon... now that the dancing rules are no longer held by a paper covenant and i have allowed ample time to adjust to the idea of clubing and such. no scuzzy grinding. no other scarey sexually implied stuff. and comfortable shoes; required. those are my rules. and i'll have to wait a bit for the shoes-- colorful secquinned flats called my name while we were out today and these clear heels that have light sensors-- but i bid my farewell with a tear nestled in the corner of my eye.*** we had malts at annie's parlor. which is an amazing place, in dinkytown-- minneapolis. our waiter seriously looked like some stalion from a romance novel. for real. that was not my comment to begin with, but after it was spoken i had a hard time getting the idea out of my mind. he was a good waiter, for real.*** i think i am going to bed... but not quite yet. i am reading a book about the donner party. it is so good. the snowy passage. that might be the title. i can't quite visiulize it. i like true stories, or based on true events-- those types of books, movies, etc. intrique me.*** note to self: fear placed in corrective position.*** oh, gosh. jade lost a tooth yesterday evening. i was helping sage in the bathtub when the news fist arrived. he was upset. (he has lost quite a few and they aren't growing in fast enough for him.) so, he was kind of a bloody mess. i was trying to get him something to soak up a bit of the blood while keeping an eye on the mermaid in the bathtub who was lying in the water with a wet washcloth over her face while holding her breath... it was crazy for just a couple moments. than jade left. my attention was focused once agian. minutes pass. JASMINE... JASMINE... i told him to come back downstairs and talk to me. "ilostmytoothitsbetweenthestoveandthefridge." what? "mytoothisbetweenthestoveandthefridgeandicantgetitout." well, he is not a toothfairy believer so it was fetched out after his head hit the pillow. but i am still kind of laughing about the entire event. hmmm.*** i was thinking about only writing on this thing during the T days. but seeing that it is the end of one S day and the beginning of another and the fingers are scurying about in attempt to find proper letter keys... yup. i changed my mind. *** the afternoon. that shop holds style in the palm of its hands. ***ok. now it is bedtime. and my eyes are getting h e a v i e r.

thanks for the summertime

2005-07-07T20:49:00.000-05:00

no. i did not run this morning. that was for all of you who care. i care. i care that i didn't run. so now awaits the plauging questions-- that asks if i really care or if i just think it is appropriate to care, so i pretend i do. i think i really care. but, i have yet to completely convince myself.*** conversations. today: wow. *i had a conversation about "religion". I HATE RELIGION. it seems some only know jesus in that 'context' though... so the conversing was neat. really neat. i like it when truth is shared and all who encounter it are kind of taken back because well... i like it when god is god and that is clear. the conversation danced about that and settled once agian on simply that god is god. *during a different part of the work day-- a recent h.s. grad was sharing dreams that have seemingly been stored up for a long time. that experience was a needed reminder of being so very focused-- of being about what youre about and that period. times like those are ones that speak of faith rather than present situations.*** i am giving the loaner car back tomarrow. what a ride. you could hear harsh words flow from my questioning self throughout the process and sometimes still, yet god is lord over the vehicle situation if his actually is lord over me... so yeah.*** sage is singing something unrecognizable. (jade's younger sister whom has a stutter and lisp and is precious.) thursday... once agian-- and i sign off.

taste of completion

2005-07-04T18:44:00.000-05:00

i like it. a lot. i finished. now i just must wait for others to complete a process that i hear, usually takes a fair amount of time. (i hope they get to bite into a hunk of completion soon. because that would be nice, for everyone involved.) two posts, in a day. i might say that is a bit overboard. hmm. nice story of being stranded on the side of the road though... no, let's talk more so about birthdays, because well, even if you don't live in america, i do. for this day, at least. so, it is a celebration is case you are wondering.

red, white, and blue all over the place

2005-07-04T11:09:00.000-05:00

sort of. i ate my share of flag cookies from the grocery store. and i am wearing a red tank top-- let the festivities begin... jade was over for the weekend. he has this horn that he bought from a vender during the oshkosh excursion. so brave emma lit fireworks in it. jade would squel and run about uncontrolably, than inform us of his "gun powder" smelling horn, by shoving the dirty thing in our faces. oh-my-pretend-little-brother. i was able to share my insight with the kid; if you swallow the black watermelon seeds, they will truly start to grow within... i countered all of his supposed objections. "nutrients from the soil" 'we are living individuals whom eat. think about all of the nutrients that we consume on a daily basis. just think.' "oxygen" 'what do you think comes in when you open your mouth to speak, or eat, or laugh loudly?' "sunlight" 'same reponse jade. and that is why sometimes it take a long time for them to grow.' ((my dad buldged out his stomach, so this boy could see what may happen.)) "how come you don't have one jas" 'i don't swallow the black ones...' he than took a bunch of black seeds and swallowed them. i told him that i would meet him agian on july 3, 2006-- if indeed he hadn't exploded at that time (how many watermelons can grow in a ten year olds body before something serious happens?)... the rest of the night was followed with "tell me it isn't true"... 'you should probably just drink a lot of water and next time consider trusting me'*** i watched the 7-3 fireworks from the roof last night. there was a bat up there and only one firefly. my mom came up, the bat knocked her in the head. i am glad she didn't fall from the ridgepole-- like ann. mom walked it, i was impressed.*** james is coming back from brazil on saturday. robyn likes to remind me. it is good.*** no more blogishness for now. continue on, my friends.

in honor of thursday.

2005-06-30T22:04:00.000-05:00

quotes of the day, according to the two little flip-things we have found in various places throughout the house, various days throughout the month. sometimes. and usually, one can be found on the kitchen table and the other in the office, quite respectively. 1) "Whatever games are played with us, we must play no games with ourselves, but deal in our privacy with the last and honest truth." Ralph Waldo Emerson. 2) "We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails." Someone Somewhere. *****i went on a long walk in the woods this evening with robyn. we found my big rock. we almost didn't. i used to go down there when i was little. 8, 9, 10- yeah, when the woods was slightly scary, but i ventured out despite the risk of bears... the rock. it is massive. well. so, i envision it to be much like the famous titanic iceberg. i envision it to be much beyond the fair-sized sitting rock. much beyond. i would take it with me to heaven if i could. really. *discussions amongst the swaying tall leafed ones. spiders webs to scream about. shadowed colors. a great leg work-out... i want to say it was refreshing. but that would be a lie. it was exhausting. it was exhausting in the best way ever though. thee best way. *****i was in awe. i sat in a dirt parking lot until 2am and witnessed the start and conclusion of a mighty storm. we twirled in the sprinkles. yes, danced in the rain. and set ourselves semi-comfortably in sarah's car with the sun roof available to peer upwards. our eyes hurt. the lightning was breathtaking. the wild winds that blew the hard rains across the parking lot, provide the illusion that the vehicle sat on top of the ocean. we wondered if the tornado might be right next to us. wow. i liked that a lot. and yes, chatting with sarah is a beautiful expeirence. i think i want to be like terry and be a storm watcher for real. terry even has a big sticker on the car to prove it-- and she notifies the weatherman when they are peering at the screens... she notifies them of what is really occurring. i just want the sticker. i want to take hers. she would know it was me. *****((simply a question for the gentleman and ladies alike. topic: dating. relationships. does the guy pursue? does the girl wait? does the girl pursue? does the guy wait? or do you think "this" ideology is screwed up? a wink is passed by one, and if a smirk is offered... than the race is on? or do you think this ideology is screwed up? one lays at the foot of the bed of another, and if the 'forced entry' is "excused"... than time in the bed together comes? or do you think this ideology is screwed up? anyways. that was a lot of questions. i want to know thoughts/ opinions/ ideas. if you have actually read this far- comment- because i want to know. and you don't even have to let your identity be known. emma? seriously. ok. enough with the desperate pleas. and i'll tell you what i think, believe, have found to be true. soonish.)) oh. and the car is back into totaled status. the insurance people can't make up their mind. it is kind of annoying. i hope this is their "final answer." meanwhile, the loaner has those moving seatbelts. those are so weird. the cities are calling to me. tomorrow eve. i am on the edge of ecstatic.

2005-06-28T21:04:00.000-05:00

blue # 3. read on if you care to.

blue things.

2005-06-28T20:59:00.000-05:00

blue number one. blue paint. i am making bubbles. blue bubbles. i have never been fond of scrap-booking. don't ask me to like it. i won't. i will try to be nice to you if you or your mom is into pre-cut pastel "artsy" designs. goodness, i will be nice already. just let me make my own design from bold colors and various shades... whatever. i ran into a girl from my graduating class at boyceville. we rode the same bus, and bonded over lisa frank and hard math problems. anyways, she is going to have baby shower shortly, but her grandma needed help with the invitations so, "hey, you enjoy paint and such..." needless to say, i was recruited. she totally sponge-painted these ducks on the fount... from cutting up a normal scrubbing sponge from wal-mart. i was impressed. of course i couldn't say 'no' to an independent, inventive project such as the one i just happened to run into. and this girl, is lovely. i missed her. i wondered about her. and i am now so glad i ran into her. yes, blue bubbles all over the place. that was the request, and i am trying my best to offer a good follow-through. they look good. you are invited. i don't exactly know when it is, but it will be for a connorsville new one. by the way, connorsville kids are totally going to take over the world. don't take "by the way's" lightly._____ blue number two. blue water. emma choose to be baptized sunday evening. it was a beautiful sight. as she spoke words of hope, her tears displayed how real god was/is in her life-- in changing her, and building her, and now in her display to live out her faith. "i am totally ready. 100%." i shuddered as i listened to the words that came tumbling out of her depth. i shudder because i know that great opposition often comes at the doors of those who throw out all but jesus in their lives. i shudder because i am so stinkin' proud of her, but now a new sense of responsibly has come upon me. i can not be lax in my prayers for my sister. i shudder because i remember clearly the soon after hours, the days, the months. i recall the newness and the attentiveness that had. so, yeah. the water was blue. and. a good friend's fiance opted to jump in at the last moment. that alone was worth the trip into town. holly told me afterwards that she and him had been discussing the biblical implications for a while, and to no one's prior notification he decided the hour could wait not one longer. so, holly helped and in her jeans, she was a soggy mess. but those messes are what it is all about. emma's surrender. nat's surrender. the water was blue.______ blue number three. blueness. amber is away. it hits me when i look at this picture. i was with her. we were with her. now we are not. now i am not. so the picture is of amber heading home again to boston.(LtoR) emma has a studded belt. it is harmless though. unless, you dry it in the dryer and throw it at someone. painful? probably. amber has a great knee wrinkle on her right side. if i had a camera and was looking at this image, i would zoom in right there. and yes, you would see it on a billboard advertisement. for real. but alas, i was not standing where my mother was. and hi. that one is me. if i would have know you would be looking at this i might have opened my eyes. apparently, my count was off. hm. it appears big duffel has his tags still on from her arrival. i don't know. that is the way it appears though... and mr. toolbox. my dad is sorting through his massive collection of tools and is preparing his girls for flat-tires and such. nice man. amber's was even equipped with a needle-nose pliers. i checked. ---and hear is some blueness sent to wi. from mass. via phone line. amber's pitbull, drummer, and another pitbull were in a fight. might i mention right here, that drummer was and is a great dog. great, meaning yes, i hung out with him-- and i like him. he is a dog and i like him a lot. amber was at work and i am not going to share the whole tale, right here this instance because i should get back to those bubbles-- but he had to have surgery and now amber is having to make some pretty big decisions.____i think i will be done with the blue thing now. done.

2005-06-25T11:35:00.000-05:00

Perhaps another greeting to Mr. H.

good morning

2005-06-25T09:34:00.000-05:00

a strawberry-banana-nectarine smoothie was made by the blender and now it is being consumed. wow. essentially, it is the 'taste of summer.'
emma is in montana, and my parents went on another weekend excursion. they're plans were, madeleine island. i want to be traveling. i want to be off somewhere living out of my suitcase. that's ok. it will come... right now i have two dollars in the pocket of yesterday's jeans, and my vehicle's tank is on empty. i really hope they have fun. really. i have to sort some more stuff today, a project that i started but have yet to finish. tonight, when i crawl into bed it will be good to finally have it done. That's my goal. it will happen.
final negotiations bring the car that i hit the deer with into not totaled status. they are going to work hard and fix it this next week though. i pay 250ish and get it back into the condition of when i first got it, minus the mileage. That's a good deal. and i am convinced that insurance is a good thing.
Current. minnesota's public radio station plays incredible music. i like it a lot. in fact all of the radios throughout the house are now tuned into 89.3 fm. and they provide good independent news. what could be better than that?
it looks like i may be going back into full time cna work. i am ok with it. i called some places yesterday and will be filling out applications on monday. nothing else had surfaced and the leads that i have made in the direction of the y/ss degree have hired someone with more schooling or with more experience. if i am able to work a 6-2 shift than i could perhaps volunteer for the runaway help lines or do something in which my core weeps about... relationships at the shop are amazing. i do not regret my time there, the people i have met, or the lessons that have piled into my lap. if you are coming to western wisconsin in hopes to land a great job and save some green, best wishes-- but perhaps you may want to seek employment elsewhere.
within this last week i have both seen the goodness of god and felt it was striped. i walked into a depressive hole and did not see it coming. i believed lies. but, whatever. it doesn't matter. because i am seemingly experiencing the highs and lows of life, does not mean that there is not any stability in who i am. there is solid rock stability because i serve a faithful one. so yeah, the winds are blowing. but i cried out in all seriousness for the opportunity and privledge to see the lord for who he truly is. and allowing the "winds to blow" is part of that. if everything was still, i would not know the stability of my friend, the creator and savior. that is this week for ya.
how are you? for real.

217: a did you know.

2005-06-21T18:37:00.000-05:00

today, i decided to trust this guy at work. we were putting out freight. having a simple conversation about canned food products. pudding in a can. vegtables in a can. soup in a can. "soup" must have triggered campbell's. for he proceeded to share his insightful knowledge. "there are 217 noodles in a can of campbell's chicken noodle." i stared in disbelief. he went on to state that his source was reliable (some fancy learning program, from some fancy network station). so. i am going to trust him. 217. that sounds ok to me. well, at least i am not going to count today... besides, i don't think the cupboard is concealing any campbell's. so, did you know that? __ bethany is my friend. check her little notes out. let your eyes scan to the right of the screen... bjb. and, if you are reading this i'll bet you are my friend as well (er, i hope so). if you would like, i can add your initials which would in essence be a linkage to a public space of your own on thing crazy www. if you would like. let me know.___ bensonwells is singing to me. that is the name of my cousin's band. i enjoy the music, but i am bias. i think i would still enjoy the music if i was being completely objective. yes. i would. use a search engine of your choosing, they are out there. i can already envision sharp designs protraying images that benifit R.Paul, D.Lee, G.Lemon, I.Kremer. i can envision vip passes for shows in large forgein cities. yeah. check them out.

tomato guts oozing

2005-06-20T21:51:00.000-05:00

...snap. ooze. tastebuds somewhat approve. the little tiny tomatoes that you are able to fit into your mouth using only a small buldge of your cheek pocket. i usually like them. this evening i do.__ new topic. the car. i walked in the front door this evening, after pausing by the vehicle to see if the Yuck smeared upon the window was washed off from the rain. (yes, i drove around throughout the weekend with it on. my dad thought it would be worthwhile evidence and that the insurance people should see it. i agreed. though it reminded me of the death act i was involved in.) it was. washed off. inside the house, i trotted about asking about the days that my parents were a part of, and ingaged in a bit of usual greeting chatter. than with solom-ness spread over my very self, i approach the question i was waiting for an answer to since 12:39 saturday morning about. "what next?" (with the vehicle as the underlined subject to which the question stems from.) dad went on to state matter-of-factly that the car was totaled. i denied it, as i reminded him that i drove it home that night. now, i understand a bit about cars. a bit. not a lot. a bit. so really i was just playing dumb because if i would have truly paused to scope out the damage and the figured body-shop costs... i would have put it together the way the body shop people and the insurance agent and my father put it together-- i just did not have time to calculate yet. yeah. i asked dad if this was a good thing. totaled. "yes, jas-- and i will tell you why." and he did. i could smile after that. until i asked him if he thought the deer was really actually dead. "yes." than i did not smile for a bit. you probably don't care whether i killed a four legged prancing beast at all (i am not refering to avery this time). BUT the next time your eyes are drawn and fixated upon the rotting flesh on the side of the road-- you might care then. i am just saying you might care, because the image and stench is hard to erase for at least several long minutes. thats all. im just saying. don't cry for me. don't cry about the chunks of fur. whatever. don't cry.__ whatelse? i stopped in a camp last week and two of my campers from 6 years ago now came running up and hollering my name. it was really good. neat, to be reminded about the impact of an individual. it was wonderful to reconnect with these former jr.high loudies, whom are now beautiful ladies yearning to know moreso who god is.__ speaking of impact... i was looking through yearbooks last night. yearbooks from high school and from college. i thought about people as i recalled conversations about dreams and life and current situations with those persons. i prayed. i laughed. i wondered. and i thought about the imapct that they had upon my life. it was something that i hope to never pack to far away in my brain-- i want to always be thankful for the sharing of someones life with my own. good and crazy, crazy good. *bedtime. therefore, i will scamper. right now. night all. i hope the dreams aren't too scary with the roadkill talk.

***

2005-06-18T13:23:00.000-05:00

my mind wandered in and out of the following thoughts: the supposed bbq that i was coming from wasn't really a bbq at all for me because i got there late and we sat around and laughed and played poker__ awkward moments throughout the evening that were truely worth it when new interactions between individuals were made__ the lyrics of the green day song that i really like showed up on the radio and it brought along its music__ the rodeo people who were camping in glenwood- i hoped their bodies weren't too sore. HELLO SALLY. the deer ran out, and yes, i smucked it. let me calmly notify you... "I am alive." i was involved in the proper driving techniques for a winding country road, when the moon is up and the sun is not. but yeah. the car's clock said 11:37, but it was really 12:39. i had to make speacial note in case i was to make some offical record of this event. the rest to the evening i wrestled with the idea of being a killer. it was ridiculous but i seriously kept replaying the run-in and i asked my dad if we could go out and shoot him because if he wasn't dead, i was sure he was wishing that he was. no, we did not go out with a gun. yes, i let my dad stay in bed. no, the car isn't crushed. yes, it has a bit of a dent and there is fur and grossness stuck and smeared on places i wish is was not. the end. so, it is sunny out. i was out ealier mowing and playing. i am going to feast upon musk mellow and left-over grad. cake and watch some movie that mom recommended. it is saturday. live it up already!

sarah christine

2005-06-17T11:06:00.000-05:00

this is my beautiful friend who died in july of 2003. today i will write a little ditty that concerns her. wednesday, june 15th was her birthday. last year i wasn't home on her birthday so i didn't really hit me... ok. um. honestly, my thoughts concern my friend, and stem from various expeirences that i have had with her and her family, but it is more so the way God turned my focus. does this make sense?___ there is a time to grieve, but there is a time to move on as well. i have been sucking my thumb and crawling up to God's lap since the hour i heard- which is totally fine and approriate at times. however, it was very clear to me, just two days ago, that it was time for me to remove the thumb from my mouth. my thoughts had driffed to death topics-- and they will again. but the focus now must be upon the breath that is being inhaled and exhaled. i won't forget her. i can't. but life. abundant life. is calling. i must respond. *have a really good one. i am applying for yet another job. ha. and... i think i will wear my madi-gras mask around the house today. or maybe in the car when i go to water those darn plants. im not sure. i will wear it though. the colorful feathers want to showcase my eyes. whatever. i shouldn't speak for the mask. enough.

monday, monday.

2005-06-13T19:43:00.000-05:00

im listening to m.ward, and it is wonderful. i also have a fresh piece of gauze in the place of my recently extracted wisdom tooth. in fact, if i begin sharing nonsense-- it is because of huge pink pills i was recommended from the man who's profession i will never envy. never ever.__ a lot has happened within the number of hours that i was not logged into this page... i think the best way to go about explaining may be the following. i hope it is the following. and you have already received the disclaimer that i could fade at any time so... read on if you wish. it will be random. * the interview went well. it is a live-in caregiver position for the weekends... they want me, but at present they don't have clients. weird. shady. so, no i do not have another job yet. but i will if they call. *emma's party was on saturday. tornados touched down in several towns right around. (wiped out 22 houses.) locations nearby had thunderstorms and sheets of downpour. it was sunny at our home. light breeze-- seemingly perfect for a large gathering. my face sort of hurt from passing out grins-- but they were genuine so the endorphins kept me going... it was nice to catch up with so many. it was nice to love on people, and let them love on me. it was a dessert buffet, so we have left over sugary morsels and heaps of fruit. lovely. *amber and i went out that night. we went to a show and had a couple drinks. drinking slowly is a smart thing if you are consuming on an empty stomach. i wasn't smart. we were leaving because the music wasn't pleasing in our opinions, but what i was currently holding tasted so good. too good to just set down when we were planning to scamper. yeah, dumb. i was dumb. and yes, i quickly realized. the night went on, i ran into fun people i knew- and now know agian. that was nice. it was nice to hang out with my sister. and be real with her. real, that i love jesus. real, that i sometimes enjoy heavy, crazy, mad music. real, that i like a 'white russian' when it is mixed right. *sunday morning. i went to the young adults sunday school. it is good. honestly, i am really happy that initiative is being taken among my peers. that excites me. *for a while now... God has been breaking me down. he has been taking me through crappy pride issues- and frankly, i know he is not done yet. he has been sorting out some assumptions that i have made about christian living. he has been reestablishing truth into the core and center and priority of what i am about and what i seek. i am seeing more clearly these days that the screaming that i have been about has been in vain. perhaps, not it its entirety simply because it has lead me to where i stand this hour. i have been screaming. passionate words about the injustice of fellow persons made in the likeness and beauty of his very self. i have been screaming to myself. i have been screaming to the trees. to the pillow. i weep uncontrollable when i peer at the intriuqte detail of a shiny beetle. yet, i speak harshly about the ways of the western pew-dweller. i plead that i will shine brightly, but rarely do i put forth effort that is life and death dependent. jesus christ was sent by god in order that the world may be set free from the cords of sin, that entangling so darn easily. FREEDOM TO DANCE INTIMATELY WITH THEIR HOLY CREATOR. not, simply so jasmine may have this nice conclusion as to the way the world works. no. yes, i am invited into the holy of holies so i too may see and know this God, this creator, this lover, this saver. it is so much more than, about my plans for the day or week, or year. it is about more than, what guy i am attracted to. more than, my successes- more than my failures. more than, screaming just to scream. so, through all of this-- God has not changed. he is just still in the buisness of changing the hearts and minds of persons who turn to him and allow the smidgen of faith they are able to muster up and ask that he again simply be God. i have been offering my smidgen of faith. and he is still good and he is still God. *i watched "bring it on" with emma today. i kind of wanted to be a cheerleader. i kind still do. *amber is in the air. yup, right now. flying to her home. *a major community leader in boyceville died when a vehicle hit him while he was on his bike. he has a couple kids. his wife is the elementary principal. this family is hurting. this community is hurting. ...things change- just like that... *i watered the plants at one of the house-sitting homes today. jolene, too bad you can't see me now. i am growing up. it has been a long time since the cheeto foliage... oh, gosh-- and i changed my oil. well. my dad has showed me how about 4 times now, i still don't get it- so i took it to a place where the guys with grease deep under their nails are friendly. they changed it. but i got a sticker in my window and it makes me happy. so now are you due for an oil change, or... have you checked your oil level lately? i hear it is a good thing to be at least somewhat conscious of. bye. continue on, ok?

i wasn't going to write.

2005-06-10T01:58:00.000-05:00

but, i changed my mind. (didn't what you to be disappointed bethany b.) it is late. or really early. perspectives... anyways. amber is coming home. actually, her plane supposedly landed in the cities on wednesday-- yeah, she is doing the 'friend mingling' prior to greeting her own blood-kin. i am just excited. excited to she her. and hug her. and hear her stories. and see her new tattoo that she is quite happy about. saturday is emma's big 'ol bash for her recent departure from high school. she has been getting all the mail. it has come to the point where i appreciate receiving bills-- just so i can start a stack of my own for the week. yes, it is a contest. emily. emily. oh-big-fat-one-for emily. james and karen. james. emily. oh, how i so subtly complain. of course, there have been times when i've received heaps of mail-- and pretty soon i just don't open them because i am sick of ripping the envelope that was purposfully sealed. actually, i am happy for emma. and thankful for all of these willing to "sacrifice" a stamp to congratulate. her smile is brilliant.___ tonight i watched 'secret window' with my dad. i have seen it before. it is a good amount of scary for me. i thought, "just in case, i get too freaked out-- he is in the room with me." this reasoning worked fine until, he started snoring really loudly. i laughed. then, i called to him. he woke up and decided to trot of to bed. i love that man. i was just fine watching the remaining bit in the dark by myself. (yes. i am still awake. but it has nothing to do with that...)__what to discuss with a screen that blares light alone, in the wee hours of the morning?__ the boys kept spraying old, stinky, colone and snazzy new guys' deodorant at the shop today. seriously. it is bad, i try to be stern and somewhat authorative with them when things could-soon-be-out-of-hand, but i end up cracking up. well. they are hilarious. "yes, it totally smells like my grandpa." "ooh. yeah. i like that one." "for real. stop spraying them. i have to be over here for awhile and i can already feel the on-set of a headache." "leave. now." by the conclusion of the entire ordeal, this was my only remark to the recent h.s. male grads who work at the shop: "i smell like a boy." i waved goodbye. they laughed, and continued to laugh.__ i went running. dusk. i thought i would see some deer. nope. only avery weaving throughout the tall ditch grass. he kind of prances like a fawn though. prancing dog. you could not even deny it if you saw him.__ i am leaving. consistency is grand isn't it? until a couple days from now... maybe.

the acoustic atmosphere

2005-06-07T19:02:00.000-05:00

im not sure what exactly occured today that suddenly changes all of my previous ravings about acoustic cafes... but what i know for sure, at this point, is that i will not enter into the shop on the corner of main and hwy 25 without a moment of rememberance tossed towards this day. it really isn't a big deal. i should just drop it already. i will. i guess i will.__ a man was painting at the next table over. with oil. on little canvas slabs. he had all of these funky metal objects that he kept digging into his work with. i suppose it was to make it better. and supposed it did make it better. i am not really sure. i wrote. and looked about. and ate my tomato florintine. then left because i was disgusted. not about the soup. not about the painting. i took my lemonade and bid farewell to my new painting friend. anyways. i will probably go back. to acoustic's. just not over the lunch hour.__ i wasn't scheduled to work today. that was odd. the district manager is coming tomarrow so it was only recovery today. i am sure it was a mad house over there.__ i am going into the cities on friday to see about a job. there is this place that wants live-in caregivers. i would quit the other job, and just do the live-in thing on the weekends. it pays well. and i'd be with people. and i would have time to write. it will be hard when they die or when i have to go... but at least it wouldn't be saying goodbye to forty people, and at least you could count on five people not passing away in one week. that will be friday that i get to hear more about the entire possible situation.__ i heard about this amazing juice. it is called Xango. you can read more about it if you go to this link. www.mymangosteen.com i plan on trying it as soon as i have a chunk of money that isn't quite spoken for. i wonder if it is really as wonderful for your body as they make it sound?__ i jumped on the trampoline with my little friends today. maston. debbie. i like you. and my legs feel healthy because you kept asking me to play and i decided to go for it.__ i am reading crime and punishment. i like the form. long sentences that start you with one emotion but leave you wrestling with another. the plot- i am getting into it.__ two families asked me to house-sit for a couple weeks coming up. well, since your in town... "sure. i'll do it. it is not a problem at all. just let me know the specifics about the dog and the fish and the lawn and the plants and whatever else you have that is in need of support while you are off dancing in the south." house-sitting. thats cool right? i don't know. if i ever move out of my parent's place. (maybe i should stay. they treat me pretty decent. and i am entitled to at least one balanced meal a day.) i might just live in the car. for real. park it in well-lit areas and get the needed r.e.m., but besides that- i don't really need a place. the car has a roof. if i run out of books i could just drive to a book shop and get at it. i even have cup holders. my glass of water has a higher chance of being spilt on the kitchen table than when it sits in the holder. see, no need for a kitchen table, no need for a house. if my car is messy, my posse could always attend gatherings on the hood... enough. whatever. "yes. i will house-sit. and i will even be nice to your dog... if he's nice to me."

2005-06-05T17:39:00.000-05:00

a delicate one, that i was obviously too forceful with.

getting out of bed

2005-06-05T13:30:00.000-05:00

some friends of mine have started a young adults sunday school. i had planned to get up for it. i didn't. usually, i enjoy going to church-- but this morning i had rather not peel open my eyelids. the dog started barking-- so i reluctantly climbed out and let him frolic in the great wilderness, while i rushed back to the warm covers and my dream (i was having a good one). i slept for another bit. then i just laid there. i did not want to go to church. the verse about not giving up meeting together-- came to my mind. i dismissed it. a thought about betty showing up and looking for me took over, but i justified it by reminding myself that one should not come in to a "holy place" simply to look about and see if their friends are in attendence. i closed my eyes and felt the pillow taking shape around my head. then i opened my eyes. i looked out the windows. the green-ness on every tree i could spot was shaking and dancing about. another thought came to my mind. the trees were worshiping. the voiceless trees still offered praise. rational thinking took over and i wondered about the great breeze that the weatherman must have made an announcement about. i laid there. breeze or praise, praise or breeze. well if it was praise they were readily offering to their maker, i will not pass up a moment longer to stand with them and declare truth. declare that god is holy and good and righteous... ever if my will would rather submit to a dream and a pillow. so i went to church and than potluck. i loved jesus with others, and i still love jesus with others-- though they are scattered throughout the world and i am not within two feet of some of them at this time. the leaves are still and quiet now. for real. out the window i look. --- and the dizziness has departed. i turned down the job offer. the looking continues. i am not worried. and libby and darren had a baby girl on friday night. eden elizabeth. beautiful. im out. today i get to budget and clean and write and look for more jobs and talk with melissa.

light headed

2005-06-03T16:22:00.000-05:00

i had a blue rasberry dum-dum on the way to work today. i didn't think about the blue tounge until i checked my teeth in the mirror. blue lips, blue teeth, blue tounge. i than guzzled some water and popped in a strawberry one- to down play the horrified looks i was now anticipating from my elders. for the first hour i was just fine; however, those to follow were bad. (i don't blame the dum-dums...but...) i was dizzy and way hot. i was sweaty but my arms felt chilled. i was walking zombie-ish. i couldn't just leave because i was the only one in softlines. but one of the guys came over from hardlines, and helped me straighten the fabric. we laughed about the theraputic magic of cotton. i left when another could replace me. i made some soup and laid down for a bit. i watched "swing kids" while under a quilt. and now im doing computer stuff. so here i am. i feel numb. it is as if the world and all of it's activities are passing before me. like i have to yell in order to break back into reality. it is weird. i don't hurt-- i am just chilly, and slightly light headed, at present. once i fainted at work, my freshman year of college-- i am glad that did not occur today.

my dear friend, Thursday.

2005-06-02T22:24:00.000-05:00

i am eating hamburger. it has been a long time since i had meat. i am reminded that i like it. cow-- i like to eat you. yummy. you'll be glad i found out about watergate today. i feel like a smartie. shawn, from work shared his intellect. i listened, and questioned, and listened some more. watergate, oh watergate-- why? (i still like deep and throat put together- although it would be a horrible nickname.) i had the interview. basically if i want it im pretty much in. now im not sure though... it turns out to be only a part time thing. i don't know if i am willing to switch my timeclock around for a part time. i have thought about a lot of various options for right this instant, but just when i want to be willing to do whatever to pay up this money stuff-- i remember that money doesn't really matter... and that people do. so yeah. im not really sure. i want all day to write and take cool pictures (GET A CAMERA ALREADY.- im working on that part-- but i always see really incredible images and wish that it was able to be captured) and meet people but now is not the time-----. i am remembering to live today. the interview guy and i, laughed about country music. it is funny because i don't really like it-- but i do. it was playing on the school bus for all years that i rode and somehow it is engraved-- along with the ABC's and geometery. my roots= country music. funny. oh and i saw betty. she is back in menomonie. we ate dilly bars and just were together for a hunk out of this day. it was really really good... she's amazing. ya'll just need to meet her. (aparently my country-ness is oozing out.) and. i bought the 3 ninjas dvd today. yes, thursdays are the best.